Tuesday, February 11, 2020

winter sea



"winter sea"
I feel my icy breath
     slide out over my lips,
          Watching as it fades into the winter air,
wondering where all the time
     has gone,
I barely even remember anymore,

I have fallen in as well
it seems,
Into the faded relics of our history,
Caught in the swirl of memories,
Spiraling to a center,
Catching glimpses of our past together,
wondering where all the pain came from,
and
where it all went,
There's a hint of misery
still,
on the icy air,
Reminding me
     that some time has been spent
Loving one another,

I feel a longing amidst this winter sea,
Of old thoughts and blurry dreams,
An old timeless kind of feeling,

There's a hint of warmth
in the spaces
between the icy breeze,
A glimmer of sun
pouring through
the cold gray clouds,

There you are,
when I turn,
To warm my hands,

There you are,
amidst this winter white,
To lean in and share a kiss.
-Armando Torres

Friday, February 7, 2020

strangers




"strangers"
You were always in my thoughts,
Never too far away,
and
Anytime I needed to see you
I closed my eyes
and
Found you in my memories,
There was a time
I knew you so well,
Knew the happiness you felt,
Knew i was the one you wanted
But now,
In this new phase,
I know only pain,
Don't feel the joy
That was once there,
I see only a stranger
Who looks at me with confusion
Wondering who this person is,
I remember the affection we had,
The intimacy of our touches,
Now those moments
Feel so meaningless
Because
What we have is so broken,
There's no going back,
Only forward
And hoping
We get another chance,

Regardless however,
     Of what the future holds
The past has been painted,
Forgiveness is the only way
If we ever hope to feel each other again,
Or perhaps,
We will remain strangers
In the end,
Silent in the same room,
Avoiding each other
Until all that remains
Are memories in empty spots,
To never need you again
When i close my eyes.
To not find you in those thoughts,
To move on
And forget everything i forgot.
-Armando Torres

Tuesday, February 4, 2020

relics of antiquity




"relics of antiquity"
There's a part of me
that is scared all of this
     will go away,
That one day
I will be sitting silently
     wondering where it all went,
Left thinking back
from a silent room
watching your echoes
     move about my memories,
Looking at the spots
     you used to sit,
Remembering when you
     used to kiss me,
Asking myself
     was it all real?
     Did any of it ever happen?
     Or did I just imagine it?
The thought of not having you
     with me
     makes the world
     feel so heavy,
I don't want to experience
my life without you,
I don't want to sit inside memory
Remembering
Relics of Antiquity
     from a life we once had
     together,
I want to experience you now,
To taste you on my tongue
     and hold you near,
To feel your breath
and hear your whispers
and know my heart
     is safe with you.
-Armando Torres

Monday, February 3, 2020

salt and pain




"salt and pain"
There was a poison
     I allowed to drip
          through
               the cracks
                    of my depression,
Onto my soul,
     And over the years
this awful hole appeared
          that left me open
               to all of my fears,

The essence of who I was
     Became lost,
And the strength to find it
     Fell away,

I was left with nothing
     But the pain,
The constant sting
     Of poison burning through me,

I lost some of the innocence
That was my personality
And traded it for cynicism,

I look at my past
     And Only
Remember the painful experiences
     That I'm convinced
Define me today,

I wonder then,
     Where are all the happy,
          Joyous,
               Memories,

I'm always back
To the bad things in the End,

Maybe its what I've chosen,
     Or perhaps,
It's all that's left,

Just droplets,
     Of Salt and Pain.
-Armando Torres

Wednesday, January 29, 2020

my life




"my life"
this life I have
has had no joy
in such a long time,

I barely remember how I was
Or
who that person is...
     ...In that foggy dream
I have had
from a time
that feels so long since passed,

Everything that person was
Seems like something I made up,
Someone that was never really here,
I feel so lost,
I hate the life that I have,
these choices I have made,
Nothing about this reality adds up
To anything for me.

I feel I exist just for the pain I feel,
just to fail again and again,

then to wait for the anguish
of another day
just to fail at the end.
-Armando Torres

every moment...




"every moment..."
Every moment of every day
     is a struggle,
I feel only the dreadful pit
every great poet before me has ever described,

The saddest part of my life
     is that
the happiest I ever was
would be in moments I was completely alone,

I am slowly learning
     that Other people
are not worth these suicidal thoughts,
That society doesn't even really need to exist,
That people...
and me included,
should just vanish
and be excluded from fucking reality,
all together.

This experiment of emotions and joy and pain
has failed me
and I want to turn in 
my ticket and not exist.
-Armando Torres

Tuesday, January 28, 2020

lost soul



"lost soul"
I think about my death often now,
I tell myself
To hold on,
That these are just thoughts,
I feel it near though,
Like the Grim Reaper himself
is watching from the corner,
waiting to take my hand,
wanting to be the first
to greet me
and show me this other land,
     of lost souls,
Feeling no remorse for watching me die,
Or
Sympathy for the regret I feel,
He would guide me
to my everlasting pain,
I would eventually forget your face,
I would never know where this pain
first came from,
Only know that it is my existence.
-Armando Torres

Wednesday, January 22, 2020

sense of peace



"sense of peace"
I reach to wipe the sleep from my eyes
and realize
that life with no meaning
isn't really worth living,
whats the point of waking up every morning
with no joy or hope,

the swell of tears begin
to brim again
behind my eyes
and I think,
today is as good as any,
I'm just a blip in time in the end,
no more important than the next moment,

there's some sense of peace
I feel
knowing all these emotions
would vanish,
a feeling of relief
like a sigh of fresh air,

I know what people would say to me
if they knew how I felt
but there's no one
and finding value
in someone else's eyes
holds no value for me,
I need to find value
in myself
and that
is no longer something I need,

I'm tired of feeling like this
and my eyes
need peace,
it would be worth the few tears
a few of them would shed
but again,
it would only be for a blip in time in the end,
just a moment,
a thought easily forgotten,
a memory not worth remembering,
even if it held some genuine pain,
in the end however,
no one would choose to remember,
an easy choice to make
to avoid any kind of pain.
With time everything passes and fades away.
-Armando Torres

Tuesday, January 21, 2020

This is How I say Goodbye



"This is How I say Goodbye"
There's shame in who I am,
I truly don't believe I should be alive,
The essence of...
     Who....
          am I?
     To me...
really feels like a burden
to anyone who allows me in their life,

My insecurities
have dictated my worth
in my own head,
and
I've been told
I don't feel anything beyond selfishness,

I am convinced I am not worth it,

I can see the knife in the drawer but I won't take it,
I stare at the Draino but I won't drink it,
because
     when I do it,
I want it to kill me.
Not leave me alive.
There can be no attempts at attention,
     no waking up in shame
          in a bed
               clinging to life
                    having to explain.

I want to Not exist anymore,
      to never have been a part of this world,
I want to Not have worth in anyone's life,
I want to Not think about my own life,
I want to Not have to try anymore,

I look around and realize
I'm a coward for wanting this,
     for not thinking of outside of my own selfishness,
For not having the courage to try,
I've lost my way
and the empty space between me and the wall
seems a good place as any to lose myself,

Sometimes I pray to God...
but not to bring me good fortune or health or to be thankful,
     I pray to God to end my life,
          perhaps in an accident,
like my car going off a cliff
or
a lighting bolt tearing my soul into pieces,
because I'm a coward to live
and
a coward to die,
I feel too much
and I don't want to feel anything anymore.
This is how I say goodbye.
By staying alive and selling my soul.
-Armando Torres

my shroud



"my shroud"
there's a darkness that follows me,
its as if though it flows with me,
     like a cape attached at the neck,
          with all its glory
               draped over my face
but worn as anguish,

it hangs heaviest
when happiness
seems to linger in the air,

never allowing the breeze to touch it
as it wraps itself around me,
     cloaking me in despair,

its intentions and desires are all I feel
     and I fear
once it no longer finds my misery flavorful
it will abandon me,
knowing it took everything it could from me,
leaving me shattered and naked,
doing all the hurt it could do,
leaving behind an empty soul
that never again will be able to feel anything,
nor remember a time beyond this emptiness,

left to dwindle away into the vast blankness
to become a shroud of my own,
to feed on the anguish of others
so that I may once remember
what it felt to feel anything.
-Armando Torres

Thursday, January 16, 2020

heavy hours



"heavy hours"
From the end of another dreary day,
I stare from the precipice
into another sleepless night,

Slowly the heavy hours
burn my eyes red,

the salty sting on the edges
reminds I have been awake
for a very long time.

I realize once again
that I will find no rest tonight,

My mind wanders through
the maze of thoughts
of gloomy designs
Searching for
that one dream
that would put my mind
at ease
and let me sleep,
But
it is never found
for this tortured heart of mine
because it does not exist,

Instead, the dread of the another day
is all that remains in the end,
seeping in from the edges
tainting my thoughts
and leaving a shell
hollowed out
of all the he was.
-Armando Torres

Tuesday, January 14, 2020

never hidden



"never hidden"
I hear the whispers at night sometimes,
when silence fills all the ambient air
and darkness drapes low over the walls,
its there
in that horrifying stillness
where the murmurs reach out
from some unholy place and find me.
-Armando Torres

Friday, January 3, 2020

broken bare




"broken bare"
My misery feels as if it has always been here,
There's memory now 
lingering on the air, 
a longing 
for a joyous time that is no longer,

My sorrow hangs low on my face
Sinking my eyes into their holes
and sagging my age over my skin, 

I look tired because i am tired,

My mind slowly declines into despair 
as the ache of my life hits suddenly and often,
I haven't seen a day 
without the twinge of gray everywhere 
in such a long time,

My misery hides behind these joyous eyes,
Behind outstretched smiles,
Behind my lies of happiness,

I no longer want to say anything or let my inner self out 
because i feel i will further 
be deconstructed,

I have been stripped down and broken bare,
I am only a shell of what i was,
I hold on to what precious little i have of myself in secret,
Away from all the things that would have what is left erased 
for their own personal gain,
To bend and break me to their will 
until i am no longer me 
but instead who they think i am and should be.
-Armando Torres