Pray

"Pray"
Awake again
in the middle of the night,
     My eyes can't seem to ever close anymore,
They burn at the edges
     with a salty ache,
leaving me to stare
     into the soft glow
          of the muted television screen,
with the tinge of fire
of pinks and purples and greens
     spattered on my face,
Nothing else lingers
in this stillness
except
the essence of my memory,

A silent chill from the outside night
creeps
through my small apartment window,
gliding in
delicately brushing my face like tiny hands,
triggering another painful memory
that continues
my fall into desolation,
I remember her tiny hands,

I hold the cold staleness of this memory
only for it to exist
     as a moment of regret,
to rewind over
     for another
          countless time,
I.
search.
for the strength.
to keep going.
but only find my empty life.
I search.
for the strength.
to pray.

My tired eyes
finally find
that slice of sleep
I've been waiting for,
however,
     a familiar image appears
in the darkness,
     a swirl of emotion
          splashes
               against
                    the rhythmic
               waves of colors
          forming
     this perfect picture
I remember,

I can't hold on too long,

The pain rips me away and
     once more my eyes are open,

It all comes flooding back again...

I remember the way she felt
     when I held her in my arms,
the look of her tiny face
     and her tiny sounds,
her tiny mouth
     and little hands,
her little smile
     and tiny breaths,

I stand at her doorway
     as a black silhouette
staring at her crib
     fighting back
tears of regret,

I search for the strength
to keep hoping my pain will end,
     but all my being
is bound by what happened,

I hoped and prayed every night
     and did all I could
     but could only watch.
          as my baby died.
I prayed every night and.
     nothing changed.

I search now
for the strength
to pray
but hope instead
for my death.
I pray for it.
-Armando Torres