This is How I say Goodbye

"This is How I say Goodbye"
There's shame in who I am,
I truly don't believe I should be alive,
The essence of...
     Who....
          am I?
     To me...
really feels like a burden
to anyone who allows me in their life,

My insecurities
have dictated my worth
in my own head,
and
I've been told
I don't feel anything beyond selfishness,

I am convinced I am not worth it,

I can see the knife in the drawer but I won't take it,
I stare at the Draino but I won't drink it,
because
     when I do it,
I want it to kill me.
Not leave me alive.
There can be no attempts at attention,
     no waking up in shame
          in a bed
               clinging to life
                    having to explain.

I want to Not exist anymore,
      to never have been a part of this world,
I want to Not have worth in anyone's life,
I want to Not think about my own life,
I want to Not have to try anymore,

I look around and realize
I'm a coward for wanting this,
     for not thinking of outside of my own selfishness,
For not having the courage to try,
I've lost my way
and the empty space between me and the wall
seems a good place as any to lose myself,

Sometimes I pray to God...
but not to bring me good fortune or health or to be thankful,
     I pray to God to end my life,
          perhaps in an accident,
like my car going off a cliff
or
a lighting bolt tearing my soul into pieces,
because I'm a coward to live
and
a coward to die,
I feel too much
and I don't want to feel anything anymore.
This is how I say goodbye.
By staying alive and selling my soul.
-Armando Torres