Emulsion

"Emulsion" They said I should grieve but instead I swallowed it like a lump of coal; painfully pushing it through scratching everything on the way down leaving traces of itself on every part of my soul.

-Armando Torres

Would You?

"Would You?" If you lost me how would you feel? Would you have a hole that you would quickly fill? Or would you remember me and any of the things we were and get glimpses of them when you passed places we had been? Would you see the foggy images of past memories in your dreams? Would you randomly feel the loss while in the shower and close your eyes to reminisce in the moment at the happiness we once had? Would you look at a blue sky from between the trees like we used to and listen to the leaves sway... ...allowing the hurt to touch briefly just so you could cry a few more tears and move on with your day? If you lost me would there be anything left of the happiness or would it all just be hurt? Would it be just misery disguised as lessons learned? Would I be anything of worth?

-Armando Torres

With or Without

"With or Without" When was the last time I even looked up at the sky, took a moment for myself and really existed away from memory to enjoy what I actually see, to really be present away from all the pain and all the hurt, without all the burdens, I can't even remember what that felt like, to look at the trees and have my mind blend into the vibrant hues of browns and greens, to see the baby blue sky right behind the swaying leaves, to feel life move around me as I breathe in the crisp fresh air, I can't even say when the last time the world existed for me in that kind of capacity, it's all tones of gray and muted colors, dull pain and counting dollars, going to work and grinding through the stress of another day that doesn't look anything like I remember, And Perhaps, in the end, I am the memory, and world is there, just like it always has been, with or without me.

-Armando Torres

Retrospection

"Retrospection" If there was a time where I didn't feel broken I don't remember it, Don't know when that could have been because as far back as my mind can stretch isn't that far past the present, I sense that these cracks in my mind have become the wrinkles of my soul, Not something to fix but more a part of my identity, My burdens have become more a part of me than any sense of accomplishment, more reflected than any smile I can stretch across my teeth, I don't know what life is like to be happy, the closest I get is when I forget about all the hurt and all my burdens and I can breathe finally and I can experience mere moments of peace before it all starts flooding back in, if there was a time where it wasn't like this, I don't remember it.

-Armando Torres

Dual Points

"Dual Points"

Below a moonlit sky 

my eyes slowly close 

as I inhale as much cool air 

as my lungs can hold,

Keeping it for a moment 

until my heart beats 

through my chest 

and my blood surges 

through my essence,

I find I can only see you 

in the black 

behind my eyelids,

I can only feel you 

and your soul 

inside my beating heart,

The world falls away 

and a surging sense of purpose 

fills my soul,

Let me carry you 

when all is too heavy,

Let me show you 

the persistence of hope 

when everything feels too bleak,

I know how to look 

into your eyes 

and see your soul,

I can exist with you 

when 

the tinge of pain 

on silent lonely nights 

glides in

and the world has left you 

with all 

the echoes of thought,

I can hold you 

and brush away the silence 

and say I love you,

I need you,

I can find you 

among the existential starways 

of billions of glimmering points of light,

   within 

the spectrum of infinite colors 

of the cosmos,

I can find your shimmering existence 

as your soul pulls mine,

I can feel you now 

below a moonlit sky 

as the air of the night 

finally releases from my being

and my eyes open

showing you

my glimmering points of light

as they shine back my soul

to yours.

-Armando Torres

A Brief Glimpse

"A Brief Glimpse"

The long hours of the night

drape over me 

like a large wool blanket 

laying heavy 

on my shoulders

pulling my frame 

toward the floor

hunching over

as my head aches downward,

An unspoken melancholy 

hangs within my eyes,

Some say 

I can see the future

and others believe me to be cursed,

   warning to never venture 

      near me

or else one can find 

      their life 

being forever tainted

with 

ill content and suffering,

I cannot see the future 

for the gleam in my eyes

are of past sorrows 

   and can only see 

   the mistakes that have 

passed 

   from this moment to the next

riding on the grains 

of sand in the hour glass,

For I cannot even see the grains 

before the decision 

and yet 

some say 

I carry their fate

within the wools of my shroud 

that forever lays heavy 

over my shoulders;

      but no fate exists 

that hasn't already been made,

I can only look upon those 

that have passed 

and only show what was,

I hold no power or intention, 

I am and therefore you are,

Yet Perhaps there is no future 

and peering into the past is the only future we have,

   confusing deeds done 

   for deeds that will be,

Then perhaps, 

it may be that 

   I can indeed 

   see the future

      and those tales told 

   do hold some truth

to them.

-Armando Torres

Take A Breath

"Take A Breath" A very potent mix of emotion and dread mixes with my blood dilating my eyes as the air in my lungs slips out from between my lips like silky lines of mist. The skin over my eyelets slowly slide closed as I catch my next gasp of breath filling my entire chest where it holds for what feels like eternity pretending like it's the edge of death allowing me to sink away in the absence of the motion of it. Falling deeper and deeper still into a darkness of calm as galaxies and nebulas pass me by, swirling vortexes of reality and light dissipate into black and finally the air in my chest releases and my eyelids pull back as my newly formed eyes begin to again glimpse the world with calm again.

-Armando Torres

Faintest Anxiety

"Faintest Anxiety" There is a thought inside a memory somewhere for me, however, it is unreachable now as it has passed this moment. A notion I can still feel but can't remember, It grips my heart like a white knuckled fist but it only exists on the fringes of my emotions. Clinging to relevance hoping I remember but not realizing it's too late. I don't know where it is or where it came. It's gone. It needs to know there is no hope. I have to move on but can't. It grips my heart like a fist over an edge clinging to life not realizing it will pull me over instead.

-Armando Torres

Back Into The Ether

"Back Into The Ether" I wish I could exist outside the moment, away from the violent colors of reality and inside the gray hazy mist of memory, To be able to peer in at any point and dissipate back into the ether once all things have become too much again, A being existing in its cocoon recharging and waiting to return at the right moment, to leave its fingerprints on the flow of events and leave as if never even here.

-Armando Torres