Forever Never Happens

"Forever Never Happens"
There are no
rainbows or butterflies
in her beautiful lie,

Only
the long empty looks
of her eyes,

She sits drenched
inside lonely gloom
dripping
through her
apartment window,

The long shadows
have grabbed at her heart
as she clings to hope
Hoping
inside deep tears
everything will pass

Because
Forever
Never
Happens.
-Armando Torres

Early Mornings

"Early Mornings"

I sit in the quiet darkness 

     of morning 

reminiscing,

The birds begin to sing their songs, 

     chirping their lyrics from the power lines,

The dark blues start to give way 

     to the warm hues of sunrise,

So many moments 

swell behind my weary eyes 

as I drink my coffee in the morning,

     remembering faded glimpses of my youth,

Time has washed away 

everything of worth and has left

the wreckage of a life 

     held together by only memories,

So many regrets, 

     so many thoughts both happy and wretched,

It's too much in the morning some days,

     too much to look in the mirror at my face

     and see my hollowed out eyes

     surrounded by circles

of dark shades of grey skin tones,

Too much to feel every ache and pain 

     of memory 

     in my bones,

To feel every ragged and worn out pull of my joints,

Too much to hear every echo of thought from years gone,

So I grab the bottle of vodka and serve a glass over ice,

It's only half passed nine and already I can't handle life.

-Armando Torres

In The Corner

"In The Corner"

At the end of every day I am reminded you are not here anymore,
Every time I see your side of the bed I feel this hole again,
     a missing piece ripped from me,
In the morning making my coffee
     I forget to make just enough for myself,
Instead
     I go and make breakfast for the both of us,
          As if you were still here,
I set your eggs and bacon with toast and coffee on your side of the table,
     I eat my meal as I choke down tears,
I thought I heard you call my name the other day,
     a hint of a whisper or perhaps just the wind,
All the rooms feel so suffocating without you,
     I find no solace in the light the day brings,
The silence that lingers in this house crushes my strength,
     I look at the empty spots you used to sit in and read,
The backyard bench we'd sit in and watch the leaves flutter and fall,
     I don't know if I can anymore,
          I don't know...
However,
     I thought I heard you whisper my name the other day,
          I thought I saw you in the other room as well,
I see you everywhere now,
     in every room of this house,
I now wait for the day to fade to night
          because the dark doesn't feel empty anymore,
There's something there now inside of it,
          Something lingering in the corner,
I don't feel so alone in the dark,
          I lay myself down on my side of the bed,
I just hope it's you in the corner.
-Armando Torres

Cigarette Tip v2.

"Cigarette Tip"
Steam rises from his lips
as if a cigarette tip burns
amidst this winter breeze,
Silky lines of gray rise
     into the icy air
          as he stands there
     looking out beyond
the falling white flakes
     that shrouds his colorless face,

His eyes not frozen
among the cold hardness lingering on the wind,
but instead
glow
like hot embers
burning
with icy precision
     at something he remembers,

A betrayal
that occurred in this very spot,
a stolen kiss he witnessed
but was not a part of,
A memory
too painful to linger on,

His vision begins to blur
     and the red glow cools
inside his eyes,
The icy chill of his tears
slowly pull him away
     from the rage
leaving him to slowly
wither away
amidst
this winter breeze
like a burning tip
     of a cigarette.
-Armando Torres

Only Nothing v2.

"Only Nothing"
I woke up to the warmth of sun
beaming on my face and
As the darkness of sleep slowly
dissolved away from my eyes
for the early morning light,
I unintentionally broke my necklace
from around my neck,
a precious heirloom, a gift,
a connection to my past
that I broke,

And for a few fleeting moments
I waited for the meaning of this
To dawn upon me
     like a fierce breath of fresh air.
But instead
Only the echoed silence
     of the ringing in my ears lingered,
Only the dim glow
     of the morning seemed to be watching,
I found nothing in that moment
that said to me it was of significance,
Nothing in the cosmos noticed,
No omniscient force took attention,
Nothing in existence looked except for me,

It was me that made this moment exist,
It was me that made it so,
It was I and not fate,
It was my face that watched and not God,
I saw and therefore it was and
     for a brief moment found what I was looking for
Only for it to fold into infinity and
Exist as an instant of
Only Nothing.

The ache of the Day

The ache of the day
has slowly worn me down
stripping away
my strength,
leaving just me to confess
     my sins
          to this bottle,
One drink before
     I peel back my socks and remove my shoes,
One drink before
     time settles in and swells behind my eyes,
One drink before
     the shower I'll take to numb the stress,

Time has washed away
     anything that was left,
My many moments slowly slide away
from my blurry memory
     with every slurp and gulp.
Leaving only just enough
to refill these illusionary feelings
     of acceptance,

Sometimes when my thoughts
     linger far longer
than my mind can allow,
Something reaches out
     into my ethereal space
     grabbing  pain and pulling away
anything that was of worth,
     leaving behind the wreckage of a man
who will never understand
his lies
were the only truths
he realized.
-Armando Torres

A Hint of Winter v3

"A Hint of Winter"
A cold grey lingers
at the edges
     of everywhere I look,

A hint of winter
     hangs on the air
     bringing with it
          a crisp freshness,

Closing my eyes   
I inhale sharply
     as the coolness of the wind
     courses through my lungs,
The sting of the cold
stabs me from within
as I hold it in for as long as I can endure,

Finally opening my eyes,
I see winter creeping in
     from the north,

There's a hint of memory
     on the cool air now,
Reminiscent flashes
     of a past
I once knew,
   
But never know anymore,

Only ever
     remember
just enough
     to feel the desolate pull
Of what,
     Once,
          Was,

Just hoping,
     at the mercy
     of this winter wind,
For another glimpse,
     Of a past I once knew.
-Armando Torres

Whiskey Burn

"Whiskey Burn"
The stillness of the night
settles in
around me,

From the corner,
     a candle softly flickers
its flame
     casting shadows
     that dance
     upon the walls
over one another,

The soft clanking of ice on glass
cuts the silence
     as I move
     my hand
to take a drink
of my whiskey,

My eyes are fixated
on the delicate light
as I wonder,
     how it all
     came to this,

The chaos of my memory
sits silently
with me
inside
this room,
     A lifeless hollow shell of what was,

I drink now
in this space
     as the flicker of flame
reflects upon
     the iris of my eyes
the regretful pain
the black of my pupils
hide,

I take another drink
swirling the ache
inside my glass
with the ends of my fingers
before pulling it to my lips and
swallowing the smokey burn
of regret,

That darkness grows larger,
Lifeless reminders begin to surround me
as the tiny candle slowly fades,

The suffocating silence
wraps
my mess of an existence
filling me
with the shimmering dread
of what comes next,

I sit back finally
as the candle flame
fizzles out
pulling my glass to my lips
one final time
drinking that last drink
as this darkness swallows me
     eating me whole,
leaving me with nothing
     but only
     a tainted
     soul.
-Armando Torres

Lost and Never Found... v2.

"Lost and Never Found..."
I searched for something
to hold on to,
Grabbing wildly and finding nothing,

I searched for the separating line
from where the day ends and the night begins,

I searched for the air to breath
as I felt my life drip out of me,
Gasping uncontrollably and breathing painfully,

I searched for the upside down mountains
as I circled around again,

I search for the strength
to keep my eyes open,
Blinking wildly and finding nothing to see,

I searched for the vertical horizon
that stretches from below and back up to the sky again,

I searched for the words
to become the last words I would ever say,
Moaning deeply and finding nothing to say,

I searched for someone
as I laid there alone,
Looking wildly and finding no one,

I searched desperately for that one person
who would watch me fade,
     And found only the last breath I would ever take,

I searched and found no one and nothing to say,
I searched and found nothing and no one...
-Armando Torres

The Kiss That Never Ends v2.

"The Kiss That Never Ends"
Even though
I live most of the day
without your kiss
I find myself
existing
inside the small moments
     shared by our lips,

Wanting nothing more
but to have those kisses
to last for always,

Our lips touch
holding the air
that lies
intertwined
between
our tongues,
     sliding them
          past one another,
until finally
letting
that air
escape
our lungs,
     where the moment
finally
lives its last seconds,

It is here
at this time
once again,
that I begin
my fantasy
all over again,
where your lips
contain
the kiss that never ends.
-Armando Torres

The Healing Sea

"The Healing Sea"
It's a late day in June,
     A cool wind glides
          through
               the swaying trees
          as the sting
     of the heat
finally softens,

The cool hues
     of every shade
          of pink and blue and violet
     have spread up
over the horizon,
     stretching
          across the sky
      with
a silky softness,

The rhythmic pull
     of the Ocean
          pushes
               the glittering embers
          of yellow and white
     reflecting
over the surface
     of the water
          toward the shores
               disappearing
          in a flicker
     against
the sandy rocks
     underneath
          the next sway
     of calm foamy surf,
I find the freshness
     of a cool
          Ocean breeze
     brings
me a smile.

The sting
     of memory
          finally
     begins
to mend
     among
this healing Sea.
-Armando Torres

Pray

"Pray"
Awake again
in the middle of the night,
     My eyes can't seem to ever close anymore,
They burn at the edges
     with a salty ache,
leaving me to stare
     into the soft glow
          of the muted television screen,
with the tinge of fire
of pinks and purples and greens
     spattered on my face,
Nothing else lingers
in this stillness
except
the essence of my memory,

A silent chill from the outside night
creeps
through my small apartment window,
gliding in
delicately brushing my face like tiny hands,
triggering another painful memory
that continues
my fall into desolation,
I remember her tiny hands,

I hold the cold staleness of this memory
only for it to exist
     as a moment of regret,
to rewind over
     for another
          countless time,
I.
search.
for the strength.
to keep going.
but only find my empty life.
I search.
for the strength.
to pray.

My tired eyes
finally find
that slice of sleep
I've been waiting for,
however,
     a familiar image appears
in the darkness,
     a swirl of emotion
          splashes
               against
                    the rhythmic
               waves of colors
          forming
     this perfect picture
I remember,

I can't hold on too long,

The pain rips me away and
     once more my eyes are open,

It all comes flooding back again...

I remember the way she felt
     when I held her in my arms,
the look of her tiny face
     and her tiny sounds,
her tiny mouth
     and little hands,
her little smile
     and tiny breaths,

I stand at her doorway
     as a black silhouette
staring at her crib
     fighting back
tears of regret,

I search for the strength
to keep hoping my pain will end,
     but all my being
is bound by what happened,

I hoped and prayed every night
     and did all I could
     but could only watch.
          as my baby died.
I prayed every night and.
     nothing changed.

I search now
for the strength
to pray
but hope instead
for my death.
I pray for it.
-Armando Torres

A pointless speck

"A pointless speck"
A dark sky hangs overhead
peppered throughout
     with tiny bright specks,
I tilt my head back
aiming my eyes
toward the infinite black above,

All these points of pale light
reflected inside my eyes,
A section of ancient cosmic time
     whittled down
          to a spectrum of irrelevance
By a fleeting existence
that hopes for happiness and meaning,

I thought I found my meaning
for my life,
Just to watch it erode
right before my eyes
to a pointless speck of pale light,

So many moments
underneath this dark sky
whittled down
with countless other pointless points of my life,

I should have said sorry,
I should have said so many things,
I didn't mean the words that you heard
They were useless sounds
I regret ever occurred,
So many things I wish I did right,
you were,
      in the end,
Just another point of pale light
among so many others,
I don't blame you,
I'm closer to a ghostly shroud now
than a man,

As this disease eats away at me
I find there are no meanings
Only
     moments outside of my ethereal body,
And Inside
Only
     the illusion of emotion within my heart,

This dark sky will never feel this moment,
Never experience this blip
Of life going out,
Never see this pointless speck of pale light.
-Armando Torres

One Less Thing for God and Me to See

"One Less Thing for God and Me to See"
I watch vast movements of wind
     cut wide slices of blue sky
          between the cotton like fluff floating above,

Glimmers of past summers
overlay the present
painting reminiscent pictures
for me,

These places
hold a glint of memory
     in my eyes,

Seeing the tall golden grass
beyond the railroad tracks again,
Remembering when
     we waved around sticks
     aimlessly cutting away
     wide swathes of grass,
Rode our bikes
through crooked gravel roads,
Threw rocks
through cracked abandoned windows
     and stomped on broken glass,
Danced
     and laughed
          and ran
through the hollow remains
of buildings no longer alive,

We hopped over the crumbled pieces
     in blissful innocence,
Ignorant
     of what
     we would leave behind,

I never thought
I would be back here like this,
The twisted and contorted pictures of my gnarled world
before my eyes
have unraveled
into the very words
that my mind has painted alive,

These days my blood stained eyes
     hold weary the wear of the day
     and gaze out to the blur
in between my face and the vacant space before me,

My memory dances and hops and runs through me
like
I'm some kind of
     Broken down
          Crumbling building,
The world doesn't want to see me,

It's clear it's all gone and I hate how these tears feel,

So line after line
I snort obscurity straight to my brain
where all I remember fades
     And only irrelevance stays,
It's a place blessed,
One less thing for god and me to see,
I know now I'll be there soon,
But for now I ride the high
     and sway off the walls
          and fall upward toward the heavens
as my eyes roll backward,
I hang my head back again
     and find that place again
          where I can forget
               and do this all over again.
I'm not immune,
I know now
     I'll be there soon.
-Armando Torres

I Always Knew

"I Always Knew"
Oh, how easy it was to get to know you,
I knew from the first moment I saw you
     that you were the one,
Maybe not the first one
But most definitely the next one,

I still feel today
how I felt
when you would go out
     for your walks,
A strong shock of urge,
A yearning of the heart I cannot
     explain,
An intense desire I could not
     fight,

I could watch you for days
     lost in my lust for you,
The way you talked,
How you could get lost in thought,
How you said
     Hi
     that first time,
I knew then
you had to be mine,

Oh, how easy it was to get to know you,

I watched for hours and days on end,
I knew you left at six thirty A.M.
knew you threw your trash before the weekend,
knew how often you would order take-out,
Found out with ease you lived alone,

I looked through your garbage
     and noticed a prescription for doxepin,
I have watched intently now long enough
          to know your anxiety
          keeps you awake at night,
I have come to calm all that,
     To Cure your depression,
I have chosen this
     for us,
          it is only our natural progression
                for us to have our moment,

So, I crawled in one night,
     one foot
          through the window
               then the next,
Made sure you were asleep
     Before I grabbed you and bound you.

It was our Moment
     Nothing was going
To come between me and you,
I Always Knew
     from the first moment
I Saw You,
     I was your Cure.

Oh, how amazing it was to get to know you.
-Armando Torres

A Single Note ♪

"A Single Note ♪"
From out of the darkness
a musical note sang,
     A single solitary note,
          nothing more.
A note of melancholy
     ringing deep within me.

I stared long
into the darkness
hoping the source
Of this low lonely note
     would disappear,
But instead,
     A delicate resonance began,
Reminding me
Of a forgotten despair
That elegantly glided in on this single sound,

Low and Long
creating a harmonic tone
that filled the empty air,

This lonely hum grew
     into melodic vibrations,
          that swelled into a deluge
               of harmonic tones
                    swaying in rhythmic oscillation,
Creating the beginnings of some painful song,

A Swell of Pressure
begins pushing these Melodies further
Crashing together on the shores
Of Creation,
Pulling together emotion and color and taste and memory
     And stripping away
The monotony of the silvery whites and
Replacing it
     In Symphonic Symmetry,
A Concerto of
     splashing blues and gorgeous oranges,
a swirl of curves and lines
     of intersecting contradictions,
Tempting to seize a moment
     from the ancient pillars of imagination
To form a perfect amalgamation
     of creation and chaos,

A single note dripping in harmonies
and swirls of emotions
     to form a moment
Where time has stopped
and given memory
     to this exceptional experience.
-Armando Torres

Unraveled Thread

"Unraveled Thread"
I can only hope
that somewhere inside
     the fabric of time
exists,
some kind of line of cotton thread,

An entangled twine
this line of thread
that I wish I was able
     to pull upon and unravel instead.

Considering my life
are just patches of memories stitched together,
woven tightly
with strands of natural fibers,
I realize
These delicate threads weaving
     reminiscent pieces
of time
into tapestries of existence
are only pieces
Sewn together
     with elegant
          needlework
that hold tightly
     each soundless moment of recollection,
To finally form
     my eclectic cloth
          of thoughts and experiences
that I wish were not so,

I can only hope
there exists
among the fabric of reality
within all
     its splendid designs of interwoven threads,
a single line of silk or cotton string
I can reach out and pull upon
to unravel
     this horrible dream of mine.

However,
untangling a tapestry of woven moments
is not like pulling a line of cotton thread
but perhaps more like erasing thin lines from ink and pen.

I now realize,
I am only ever able
To reflect
that which my mind can paint.
-Armando Torres

Superstition of Coincidence v2

"Superstition of Coincidence"
I know now
The superstition of coincidence
can give meaning
where there was none before,
Forcing purpose to fade
     and meaning manifesting
          to takes its place,
Leaving only
     a moment
     forever yours,

So I wonder then,
the meaning to this sadness,

I sit now with this autumn chill
upon my icy cheeks
hoping to find its meaning
      but know my suffering goes unwitnessed,

I find these tears of mine
     mean nothing.

These leaves dance and sway
     for me
          creating
               nothing more
                    but my sympathetic connection
               to this dreary moment.

Only the superstition of coincidence
has pushed relevance
into this unseen moment.
Where I exist
unseen with only my own meaning.

I realize now,
Look long enough
For a reason
     and Superstition will
Find you.
-Armando Torres

Was Once but Now Just Was

"Was Once but Now Just Was"

There in the tattered weathered halls, 

     in between those fallen desolate walls, 

right there beside the peeling paint 

     lies somewhere inside 

this dreary place  

what it was once 

but now only holds

     what was.

Leaving only just enough 

     to remember life lived through,

Forgotten corners,

empty halls,

Just enough 

     to feel the desolate pull 

          of what it once was,

Fallen floors and weeping walls,

Empty echoes of memory 

     on the tips of whispers

remembering 

that it was once

but now just was.

-Armando Torres

Droplets

"Droplets"
In the distance
the sky shows a change
from blue to gray,

the air begins to feel crisp and cool
shifting my thoughts and mood,

from far off a soft sound of tapping begins
     dropping its rhythmic touches
          upon the ground,

A fresh scent
of grass and dirt
elegantly moves through the air
     like slow moving waves
with nothing before them
               to hold them in place,

A blanket of scent
     floating through an ocean of air
          over
               the droplets
                    of rain,

A tap
     tapping on metal
          in the distance,
Droplets
     dripping
          into puddles,

A few at first,
but now
     the drips
have transformed
          into a glorious
melody
     of scattered
gentle
          pattering,

A calm gray hangs overhead
     as every which way
          I look
holds delicate vertical lines
     Of blurry beautiful
          Droplets
     falling from the sky,

I finally turn my head upward
closing my eyes
     to let fall
          the soft drops
          of rain
     upon my face.
Tasting their elegance
on my lips.
-Armando Torres

these Demons

"these Demons"
From where do these demons speak?
I can hear their whispers
     near me,
Tainting the day,
Pouring pain
     into my moments of peace,

There's a crippling fear
that these demons are not real,
That in fact
I am perhaps
     Just this awful,
That I am
     Responsible for all these mistakes,
For All the things terrible in my life,

or Perhaps,

This evil does exist,
     And it is not me,
It's the whispers that make me weak,
     It's this silence that is a gateway
          For this evil to find a way
               In to my heart,

These regrets are not my fault,
It's these demons,
I can hear them near me,
All the time,
Pouring pain
     like thick oil into my mouth
Changing my day into a nightmare of new regrets,

These demons begin speaking and I begin listening.
It's not my fault.
-Armando Torre

Racism of Antiquity

"Racism of Antiquity"
There's a part of me
that is scared all of this,
   
That one day
I will be sitting silently
     wondering what more we could be,
Left thinking back
from a silent room
watching painful echoes
     move about my memories,

Seeing a past written...
that I don't remember...
by someone else...

     Looking at spots in history
          that did not
               go the way
                    they said it went,

Remembering when
     they used to say we all mattered,

Scared...

Left
Asking myself...
     was it all real?
     Did any of it ever happen?
     Or did I just imagine it?

The thought of
Not Having
a normal life
     without racial bias.
     Makes the world
     feel so heavy,

I don't want to experience
my life under the crushing
pretense
of racial intolerance,

However,

I don't want to sit inside memory,
Remembering
Racism of Antiquity
becoming
just a normal point of view,
   
The so called Myth,
     I had to experience
     from a life I once had
     to a life I still have,

     to a life I will die with.

Leaves me dying already
and only alive enough
to feel your discrimination
to fight back
for another generation

so that your children
will be
friends with my children
and they will become the change
we could not be.

I want to experience today now,
To taste your hate on my tongue
     and hold it near,
To feel
and hear
and know in my heart
     that you are not safe
until you change.
-Armando Torres

winter sea

"winter sea"
I feel my icy breath
     slide out over my lips,
          Watching as it fades into the winter air,
wondering where all the time
     has gone,
I barely even remember anymore,

I have fallen in as well
it seems,
Into the faded relics of our history,
Caught in the swirl of memories,
Spiraling to a center,
Catching glimpses of our past together,
wondering where all the pain came from,
and
where it all went,
There's a hint of misery
still,
on the icy air,
Reminding me
     that some time has been spent
Loving one another,

I feel a longing amidst this winter sea,
Of old thoughts and blurry dreams,
An old timeless kind of feeling,

There's a hint of warmth
in the spaces
between the icy breeze,
A glimmer of sun
pouring through
the cold gray clouds,

There you are,
when I turn,
To warm my hands,

There you are,
amidst this winter white,
To lean in and share a kiss.
-Armando Torres

strangers

"strangers"
You were always in my thoughts,
Never too far away,
and
Anytime I needed to see you
I closed my eyes
and
Found you in my memories,
There was a time
I knew you so well,
Knew the happiness you felt,
Knew i was the one you wanted
But now,
In this new phase,
I know only pain,
Don't feel the joy
That was once there,
I see only a stranger
Who looks at me with confusion
Wondering who this person is,
I remember the affection we had,
The intimacy of our touches,
Now those moments
Feel so meaningless
Because
What we have is so broken,
There's no going back,
Only forward
And hoping
We get another chance,

Regardless however,
     Of what the future holds
The past has been painted,
Forgiveness is the only way
If we ever hope to feel each other again,
Or perhaps,
We will remain strangers
In the end,
Silent in the same room,
Avoiding each other
Until all that remains
Are memories in empty spots,
To never need you again
When i close my eyes.
To not find you in those thoughts,
To move on
And forget everything i forgot.
-Armando Torres

relics of antiquity

"relics of antiquity"
There's a part of me
that is scared all of this
     will go away,
That one day
I will be sitting silently
     wondering where it all went,
Left thinking back
from a silent room
watching your echoes
     move about my memories,
Looking at the spots
     you used to sit,
Remembering when you
     used to kiss me,
Asking myself
     was it all real?
     Did any of it ever happen?
     Or did I just imagine it?
The thought of not having you
     with me
     makes the world
     feel so heavy,
I don't want to experience
my life without you,
I don't want to sit inside memory
Remembering
Relics of Antiquity
     from a life we once had
     together,
I want to experience you now,
To taste you on my tongue
     and hold you near,
To feel your breath
and hear your whispers
and know my heart
     is safe with you.
-Armando Torres

salt and pain

"salt and pain"
There was a poison
     I allowed to drip
          through
               the cracks
                    of my depression,
Onto my soul,
     And over the years
this awful hole appeared
          that left me open
               to all of my fears,

The essence of who I was
     Became lost,
And the strength to find it
     Fell away,

I was left with nothing
     But the pain,
The constant sting
     Of poison burning through me,

I lost some of the innocence
That was my personality
And traded it for cynicism,

I look at my past
     And Only
Remember the painful experiences
     That I'm convinced
Define me today,

I wonder then,
     Where are all the happy,
          Joyous,
               Memories,

I'm always back
To the bad things in the End,

Maybe its what I've chosen,
     Or perhaps,
It's all that's left,

Just droplets,
     Of Salt and Pain.
-Armando Torres

my life

"my life"
this life I have
has had no joy
in such a long time,

I barely remember how I was
Or
who that person is...
     ...In that foggy dream
I have had
from a time
that feels so long since passed,

Everything that person was
Seems like something I made up,
Someone that was never really here,
I feel so lost,
I hate the life that I have,
these choices I have made,
Nothing about this reality adds up
To anything for me.

I feel I exist just for the pain I feel,
just to fail again and again,

then to wait for the anguish
of another day
just to fail at the end.
-Armando Torres

every moment...

"every moment..."

Every moment of every day

     is a struggle,

I feel only the dreadful pit

every great poet before me has ever described,

The saddest part of my life

     is that

the happiest I ever was

would be in moments I was completely alone,

I am slowly learning

     that Other people

are not worth these suicidal thoughts,

That society doesn't even really need to exist,

That people...

and me included,

should just vanish

and be excluded from fucking reality,

all together.

This experiment of emotions and joy and pain

has failed me

and I want to turn in 

my ticket and not exist.

-Armando Torres

lost soul

"lost soul"
I think about my death often now,
I tell myself
To hold on,
That these are just thoughts,
I feel it near though,
Like the Grim Reaper himself
is watching from the corner,
waiting to take my hand,
wanting to be the first
to greet me
and show me this other land,
     of lost souls,
Feeling no remorse for watching me die,
Or
Sympathy for the regret I feel,
He would guide me
to my everlasting pain,
I would eventually forget your face,
I would never know where this pain
first came from,
Only know that it is my existence.
-Armando Torres

sense of peace

"sense of peace"
I reach to wipe the sleep from my eyes
and realize
that life with no meaning
isn't really worth living,
whats the point of waking up every morning
with no joy or hope,

the swell of tears begin
to brim again
behind my eyes
and I think,
today is as good as any,
I'm just a blip in time in the end,
no more important than the next moment,

there's some sense of peace
I feel
knowing all these emotions
would vanish,
a feeling of relief
like a sigh of fresh air,

I know what people would say to me
if they knew how I felt
but there's no one
and finding value
in someone else's eyes
holds no value for me,
I need to find value
in myself
and that
is no longer something I need,

I'm tired of feeling like this
and my eyes
need peace,
it would be worth the few tears
a few of them would shed
but again,
it would only be for a blip in time in the end,
just a moment,
a thought easily forgotten,
a memory not worth remembering,
even if it held some genuine pain,
in the end however,
no one would choose to remember,
an easy choice to make
to avoid any kind of pain.
With time everything passes and fades away.
-Armando Torres

This is How I say Goodbye

"This is How I say Goodbye"
There's shame in who I am,
I truly don't believe I should be alive,
The essence of...
     Who....
          am I?
     To me...
really feels like a burden
to anyone who allows me in their life,

My insecurities
have dictated my worth
in my own head,
and
I've been told
I don't feel anything beyond selfishness,

I am convinced I am not worth it,

I can see the knife in the drawer but I won't take it,
I stare at the Draino but I won't drink it,
because
     when I do it,
I want it to kill me.
Not leave me alive.
There can be no attempts at attention,
     no waking up in shame
          in a bed
               clinging to life
                    having to explain.

I want to Not exist anymore,
      to never have been a part of this world,
I want to Not have worth in anyone's life,
I want to Not think about my own life,
I want to Not have to try anymore,

I look around and realize
I'm a coward for wanting this,
     for not thinking of outside of my own selfishness,
For not having the courage to try,
I've lost my way
and the empty space between me and the wall
seems a good place as any to lose myself,

Sometimes I pray to God...
but not to bring me good fortune or health or to be thankful,
     I pray to God to end my life,
          perhaps in an accident,
like my car going off a cliff
or
a lighting bolt tearing my soul into pieces,
because I'm a coward to live
and
a coward to die,
I feel too much
and I don't want to feel anything anymore.
This is how I say goodbye.
By staying alive and selling my soul.
-Armando Torres

my shroud

"my shroud"
there's a darkness that follows me,
its as if though it flows with me,
     like a cape attached at the neck,
          with all its glory
               draped over my face
but worn as anguish,

it hangs heaviest
when happiness
seems to linger in the air,

never allowing the breeze to touch it
as it wraps itself around me,
     cloaking me in despair,

its intentions and desires are all I feel
     and I fear
once it no longer finds my misery flavorful
it will abandon me,
knowing it took everything it could from me,
leaving me shattered and naked,
doing all the hurt it could do,
leaving behind an empty soul
that never again will be able to feel anything,
nor remember a time beyond this emptiness,

left to dwindle away into the vast blankness
to become a shroud of my own,
to feed on the anguish of others
so that I may once remember
what it felt to feel anything.
-Armando Torres

heavy hours

"heavy hours"
From the end of another dreary day,
I stare from the precipice
into another sleepless night,

Slowly the heavy hours
burn my eyes red,

the salty sting on the edges
reminds I have been awake
for a very long time.

I realize once again
that I will find no rest tonight,

My mind wanders through
the maze of thoughts
of gloomy designs
Searching for
that one dream
that would put my mind
at ease
and let me sleep,
But
it is never found
for this tortured heart of mine
because it does not exist,

Instead, the dread of the another day
is all that remains in the end,
seeping in from the edges
tainting my thoughts
and leaving a shell
hollowed out
of all the he was.
-Armando Torres

never hidden

"never hidden"
I hear the whispers at night sometimes,
when silence fills all the ambient air
and darkness drapes low over the walls,
its there
in that horrifying stillness
where the murmurs reach out
from some unholy place and find me.
-Armando Torres

broken bare

"broken bare"

My misery feels as if it has always been here,
There's memory now 

lingering on the air, 

a longing 

for a joyous time that is no longer,

My sorrow hangs low on my face
Sinking my eyes into their holes

and sagging my age over my skin, 

I look tired because i am tired,

My mind slowly declines into despair 

as the ache of my life hits suddenly and often,

I haven't seen a day 

without the twinge of gray everywhere 

in such a long time,

My misery hides behind these joyous eyes,
Behind outstretched smiles,
Behind my lies of happiness,

I no longer want to say anything or let my inner self out 

because i feel i will further 

be deconstructed,

I have been stripped down and broken bare,
I am only a shell of what i was,
I hold on to what precious little i have of myself in secret,
Away from all the things that would have what is left erased 

for their own personal gain,
To bend and break me to their will 

until i am no longer me 

but instead who they think i am and should be.

-Armando Torres