pain that was

"pain that was"
I stand in front of this mirror
grabbing the sink
watching this tear
slowly slide over the valleys of my face,
pulling my hurt
through my eye
realizing
all the pain that was
is within this single tear.

Seeping in from the edges
of my perception
these feelings bleed through
the fabric of time and space
and I am only able to grasp
in thought,
their essence...
their remnants,
but cannot detect with my senses,
only ever feel them
pour through my soul
leaving their echoes
for me to reflect, out upon the world.

And yet, for now...
I stare at this tear sliding
Over the grooves of my face,
wondering from what ethereal plane
this elegant shimmering drip
has been pulled from,
as it so delicately leaves behind
it's salty remains on my lips,
wondering now...
if,
these emotions ever existed in the first place.
-Armando Torres

smiles

"smiles"
They say it's anxiety.
But i know that this dread in my heart
Comes from some other place,

     All these faces I see
          Whisper their secrets
Tightly from the skin
     of their lips,
Looking to see
          if anyone is listening.

Their distrustful eyes
     slide from side to side
          revealing the lies
               their smiles try to keep hidden.

I, 

   However, 

          Am listening.

It's like a different language.

They say one thing
     And
          Mean something else entirely,

They think that i don't know...

They cackle their arrogant laughs
Sharing in the fact
That they think their secrets are safe,

But I cackle that last laugh
Because i know i went mad
A long while ago.

Only knowing now
My sanity
to them

Is only valid within my own dread.
-Armando Torres

call to you

"call to you"
There was a time
in the not too distant past,
Where all I was
     Was perhaps,
An enemy to myself.
And things were not fine,
For you and I.
There was a thought
I would just not let die however,
A thought I knew to be true,
That I love you.
With the very essence of my existence.
No matter where you go,
Or how far apart we are,
My soul
Will always
Call out
To you.
-Armando Torres

para ti

"para ti"
Por qué cuando te veo,
I see not only you
Pero nosotros,

Everything I have ever done,
All my choices I have ever made,
Me trajo aquí, contigo,
My life, mi vida,
Everthing I am
Was always meant for you,
Y ahora tenemos
     the rest of our lives
Para amarnos
El uno al otro,
Te quiero.
I love you.
Yessenia. Con toda mi alma.
-Armando Torres

I remember when...

"I remember when..."
I remember when you finally reached out again
after ten years,
and the nervousness that came with it.
At first there was apprehension to what it meant,
six months later
and I realized I've always loved you.

Our history runs long
allowing
for this connection to run deep.

We did try to keep each other away
but even then
that time spent apart
proved what we both knew,
that you loved me and I, you.

I remember the moment I kissed you
after ten years
of not hearing your voice,
I could now hear how excited you were
because you wanted my kiss.
A choice we both knew we wanted
and made
well before the moment
our lips came together again
for the first time in over a decade.

It wasn't long after
we realized all those feelings we tried to deny
were still alive and thriving.
And it won't be long now
when we know
spending the rest of our lives together
will be the only way
to say thank you to each other.
-Armando Torres

you win

"you win"
The first time I kissed you
I felt it in my soul
and I saw the history of our lives in a flash.
I closed my eyes not knowing then
what I know now
or what it meant,
only knew what I felt was real love,
but in actuality,
     it was something else,
          something more than just my idea of love,

I didn't know what love was then,
did not understand it.
I only had the feeling for it,
so therefore only knew
what it felt like
under confusion and apprehension,

I know now it was the beginning
of learning how intricate love really was,
how it is now,
and how there will ever only be a lucky few to ever experience it,

The complexities of love's interconnected network
throughout my soul and through my emotions
connect everything I could ever feel for you,
I understand now you are the love of my life,
forever then and now,
since way back when before either of us knew,
it is the way its always been,
I love you and you knew you loved me
way before I knew what love was.
So you win.
-Armando Torres

looking back

"looking back"
As much as I am ready to leave
there is a scary sadness
trying to creep in,
I feel it at the sides of my eyes,
a pressure trying to swell,
I want to cry
but need to know the answer to why
before these tears can fall,

For now,
they just linger behind these stares of mine
as I stretch my lips into smiles,
for all to see.

I suppose change is the reason why
and even though
whatever
this
future
holds
for me,
      is exciting,
I look back and see a history
that at one point felt like home.

There will be a point some time in the future
where I will walk among these sames spots
with the echoes of memory flooding through,
and finally these tears will fall.

But for now,
I'm caught
looking back before the time has passed.
-Armando Torres

memory

"memory"
In the wake of the rage and pain
I still stand here with the pieces
drowning in my shame,

wondering if it all ever happened,

the sounds of what was said
have long since passed
leaving nothing left
but the deafening harmonies of memory,

Alone now inside those old thoughts
swallowed by the silence,
the echoes of my rage does not fade
existing now as the ringing in my ears
leaving me inside memory to replay all of my regret,

I hate how it all happened,
nothing you did deserved this.

I carry this hurt in the wake of how it happened
and finally feel like I deserve this,
it all leaves its painful parts, forever etched,
staying always
tender to the touch,
leaving nothing more
but the empty sounds of memory.
-Armando Torres

what is love...

"what is love..."
Love is too complex to ever be any one thing,
it goes beyond understanding,
and lingers on the fringes of instinct,
it's here where love likes to hide its reasons.

There's some sort of mysticism in it that exists
once our minds become self aware of it,
no longer
easily accessible as the years pile on.

Hidden back behind emotional walls and early year traumas,
pushed so far into the furthest recesses of all our emotions,
we then question if love is even real,
never realizing love is what connects every emotion throughout
and without it
we do not feel them at all,
there is no sadness or happiness without love,
no anger, rage, or tranquility without it.

Love is the conduit through which we build ourselves,
it's never been just one thing,
it's as if our bodies were built for this exact experience,
becoming only attainable through self surrender,
once the life we live shows us things that builds our barriers.

But love is built into our instincts,
because it happens naturally
within every facet of our emotional complexity.
Only with time do we find ways to subvert it,
not noticing this goes against our very nature,
then becoming only a shell of a person.

So I talk to you now Yessenia,
this is all for you, everything I am,
I love you,
you are my life,
my love,
my instinct,
my nature,
I'm more a person with you in my life.
I love you Yessenia.
-Armando Torres

into place

"into place"
I can finally feel the pieces
healing
and it feels like a breath of fresh air.
There's a delicate kind of mending happening
that is pulling
these pieces back together and into place.

There was a significant amount of time
I spent living with these broken fragments
where I just accepted these tears
I cried at night.
Thought of ways I could die.
Looked for ways to numb the pain
and died
a thousand times in my head.

And
Somewhere along my flow of moments,
I forgot how it felt to not dread the day.

One can spend so much time lost in lonely thought
the world begins to feel so large,
and the space in between the pieces
too far,
to ever pull back into place,
too great to ever overcome,
they just slowly fade from memory
and drift beyond the ether
and into the void.
Leaving only a shell of a person
whom once had purpose.

Today,
I feel the mending.
I can feel the healing happening.
I can finally reach for the pieces
and hold them close
and hope to finally feel whole.
-Armando Torres

The superstition of coincidence

"The superstition of coincidence"

Outside of our ethereal bodies

there are no meanings

but only moments.

The illusion of regret

lives only 

within our hearts,

look long enough

for a reason

and superstition

will find you.

Forcing purpose to fade

and meaning manifesting

to take its place,

leaving now a moment

in the cosmos

forever yours.

So I wonder then

the meaning

of this sadness within my core,

because I know the superstition of coincidence

can give meaning

where there was none before.

I sit here with this autumn chill 

upon my icy cheeks

where it finds its meaning 

from my sadness

and know my suffering goes

unwitnessed.

And yet beneath this tree

among the falling autumn leaves

I find these tears of mine

mean nothing

but the sympathetic connection

to this moment,

serving as both memory and meaning,

but both do not exist outside my mind,

only the superstition of coincidence

has pushed relevance

into this unseen moment.

Where I exist.

Forever.

Unseen with only meaning.

-Armando Torres

keep smiling

"keep smiling"

I'm not wearing my misery and depression well these days.
My face
wants you to see the smile, the grin, the laugh,
But the facade
Isn't holding up and it's crumbling down now.
My tears and sorrow and pain
are in my eyes for all to see,
But.
I just keep smiling.
Gritting my teeth until my gums bleed.

The world finally feels too much for me.
The shame I feel for my pain
Is finally too much for me.
Everything feels too far away
to go back. 

Too hard to turn around.

All those bad ideas
don't seem so bad right now.
The easiest way out of this world
Seems like release.
That sounds pretty good to me.
-Armando Torres

Pâro

"Pâro"

this winter wind has me convinced that I cannot be happy,
just lost in thought,
searching but never moving.
-Armando Torres

I stand here

"I stand here"
I stand here not scared
but
keenly aware I have a color labeled to me,
somewhere in their commentary
color became a way
to buy my attention,
a notion for awareness,
to tell me that they cared,
I stand here not scared
but
exhausted at looking out,
to all these faces and wondering are they racist?
I have gone through most of my life
having to prove
I am not the things they think,
not attached to the colors they see,
I stand here wondering now,
is it too much,
to ask,
for all these faces to prove to me
they are not racist?
There are seams in society
with just enough room to fall in to,
where a few lose their identity
and there is no solace in any narrative,
just the lingering desire,
to want to feel accepted.
-Armando Torres

...

"..."
I've existed in silence for too long,
emerging to find
the words I knew are all gone,
     I don't recognize
the face I see
in this mirror,
there's a lifelessness to its appearance,
a strangeness I'm not familiar,

Existential doubt seems to linger
on the fringes
of my every thought,

Am I not the person 

     That I thought I was,

Just then, 

     my reflection seems to move
before I do...

 That thought...

Terrifies

Perhaps the time I spent in silence,
I was lost in obscurity and forgotten,
Maybe they all lost the thought of me,

there's fear in my bones,
a dread 

     That if I open my door,
there will be nothing,
only the empty feelings of all my actions,

Just then, 

     I feel my reflection move again,
before I do,

As if no control existed in my being
     my head turns to the door,

before I do,

What if the world is still there?
What if all the blank stares
still exist,

I feel my hand reach out to the knob
without me doing so,
Existential dread builds in my every bone,

I hope its not,
     I hope its all 

          not there,
My reflection takes one last look at me
before smiling, 

     It Finally reaches and opens the door.
-Armando Torres

early mornings

"early mornings"
Underneath the early morning hues
     of blue and grey and orange,
          the morning mists begins to form,
appearing over the ground
like a ghostly haze,

The first chirps of birds
can be heard in the distance
     as a cool breeze
          swims in over the trees,

There is a hint of regret
     on my heart,

Somewhere in this dreary
          damp morning
               there is beauty to be seen,
     but I only feel
the burn of another sleepless night
     sting
           my eyes
                with every blink,
                     I don't see the morning,
I feel the ache in my bones only,
the tossing and turning that has become so routine only,
          my sunken eye sockets that feel normal now
     is the morning that exists for me,

Someone somewhere is seeing a beautiful sunrise
as the mist evaporates,
giving way for the light to shine the day,

but not me.

I only see the dreary morning hues give way
      for another shitty day.
-Armando Torres

the night before

"the night before"
the silky lines of your scent
intertwine and glide
with grace,
in the breeze,
and find
the space in my mind
that holds all my memories of you,

a swirl of formless colors
splash upon each other
touching the edges
of my other senses,
and I can almost taste you
on my tongue again,
remembering when I felt you
at the tips of my fingers again,
sliding over your skin
with your lips
so close to mine,

I find myself now
in between
my thoughts and sensations
leaving only the memories
from the essence you left
from the night before.
-Armando Torres

Only

"Only"
If only we never met...
or maybe we only met
     but never knew,
only then would we never have found
these kisses of ours.

Memories,
that would never have happened.
Never to feel your touch,
only then would we never know.

But we do know how we feel to the touch,
the way your lips feel against mine,
how time seems to slip away
when I'm with you.
Trading the day hours for the night
waiting for the next time I see you.

Talking to you makes
the whole world melt away
and only you and I are left.
Only your words,
your eyes,
only the way you look at me,
only you
feel where I should be,
only you
are what feels real and right,
here in this stream of experiences and memories,
only your touch.

We are a slice of time
folded over
To exist inside.
A whole world inside a memory.
Our worlds.
Our memories.

I only
want to kiss you
until we get to the best parts
with you.
-Armando Torres

echoes

"echoes"
A memory I thought I lost,
but was always there,
just waiting to be remembered,

I wasn't looking
but somehow
found something,

everything that felt gone
was here again,

this span of time,
that goodbye
we thought was the end,
were all pieces of a future,
that were building to a moment,
that only existed,
if,
we didn't know the difference,
between the past we once had,
and the past we have now,

swirling into existence
a sliver of a second
formed a moment
that held so much more,

the echoes of our choices
left lingering,
forever molding
these moments,
becoming a past
from a future,
we never thought
we would have.
-Armando Torres

curvature

"curvature"
The echoes of my life
linger
inside the grooves of time
curving life into straight lines again,

As the world swirls around me
like a river
bending the earth into curves,
these memories of mine
dance fluidly in magnificent designs
forming moments and
leaving the echoes in sand,
ghostly visages
of a past.
Forever molding and forming the clay of time
in powerful kneads throughout the centuries.
-Armando Torres

Not for me v2.

"Not for me"
Love it seems
     is not for the weak,
     not for the ones looking
          or seeking
               or hoping.
It would seem love is not for me.

When the distance
from the hurt
and
all those beautiful moments
are the same,
Or when
     you find the salty remains
     from the night before
dried
     upon your cheeks,
     time only then
serves
     as a reminder
that Love,
     is not for the weak.

Not for the ones scared to see it,
nor the ones searching for that naive kiss,
not for the shadows,
nor the ones hoping their memory
finds
just one more day of happiness.
Love it seems,
     is not for me.
-Armando Torres

this dream

"this dream"
I still remember you
the way you were,
all those years ago,
     so barely you,
          and yet still,
just the slightest glimpse
of what you would be.

Time seems to have slid by
without us realizing
the space
each missed moment
should have created.

A swirl of memories
neither one of us were there for,
and
yet
perhaps
somewhere we were.

A string of goodbyes
we thought were the end
but were only pieces to this dream.
   
Its all
     it ever is
          in the end.
Just us dreaming with moments missing
wondering where all the time has went.

Never really knowing
the difference,
just knowing the feeling
of remembering you
is what feels real
inside this dream.
-Armando Torres

Full Inside v2.

"Full Inside"
I have a demon inside of me.
It lives
without much of anything,
as it lingers
on the deepest things of me.
Salivating
     on the simplest of secrets.
I have never had it shown,
for the world
would never again
have me.
But as the years
hang heavy
it becomes
simpler
for this demon
to find the things it needs.
I would never show this
but I feel
I lost control
a long while ago
and now,
this demon perhaps
has a soul
with no control
living inside of it.
-Armando Torres

...it

"...it"
I had it once, you know...
didn't know it at the time
until it was gone,
I've only ever given myself to it once
in my life
and now
     the only thing I'm worthy of
     is this ache,
my sweet melancholy is all that's left
     of those special days,

I never knew then
only now
what it was.

Standing here
wishing now
I didn't know at all.

Only realizing
within the bittersweet pain of hindsight,
     at the wrong time
finally comprehending what I lost.
Wishing now
I knew
none of it.
At.
All.
-Armando Torres

fragmented

"fragmented"
I'm barely a piece of a person,
barely what I remember.
so many aspects
of what I was,
left behind somewhere
in those river of seconds
hoping now
that
somehow
looking back into the past
I can find those pieces I lost.
-Armando Torres

All over again

"All over again"
There's a sadness that lives just beneath my skin
and every time this winter wind slides its harsh caress across my face, I feel it again.
Every time the day grows grey
and the silence revisits my existence
I find it again.

Every time My memory overlays the present
for the day to stretch into the past,
I remember again.

When That pain I thought I forgot but never did,
only pretended that it somehow found a way out
of my life,
revisits,
I clutch it again.

There's a sadness there I choose to forget
but
every time the night grows long
and I'm allowed to find all my regrets.
I feel it all over again.
-Armando Torres

safety

"safety"
There's some sort of safety
from inside my depression
that swirls around me
and overlays like a blanket.

I find it so much easier
to cry these private tears
away from all those things
I feel would judge.

These somber shades of grey are all around me
reminding I cannot be happy,
only ever lost in thought.
Always searching,
but never moving.
Only hurting when I feel them all.

I realize the beauty of the world is wasted on me.
So,
     the safety I feel behind this barrier has me convinced it's better this way.
-Armando Torres