Only A Distance Away

"Only A Distance Away" I can't keep up, my legs won't let me keep chasing; My lungs burn as I breath in gulps of air screaming to the sky with clenched fists and the pain of your memory in my eyes, I stop and stand there now, under these ominous gray clouds looking up watching as the storm gathers above teasing me to give up, The pain and hurt have become too much and my knees buckle to the ground as the burn in my throat pushes up gasps of tears asking the heavens, why? I look for you there in those clouds, still chasing the sky, running after you somewhere in those floating cotton shapes, But I can't anymore, these are the last slobbering gasps of agony I can let you have, the very tissue of my muscles have torn away from my legs, the very air I breath hurts me, I can't anymore. I lay here now, tattered and tired eyes upward toward those ominous gray clouds looking for your face; but only find it a distance away.

-Armando Torres

Out There

"Out There" The sun sits beyond the blinds lighting the world I only peer upon, Looking from behind the glass walls of infinite shapes and gazing at all the wonder only for it to remind me life moves on. I stare out and hear an echo from far away only to question if it's from inside my mind or from the world I stay away from. Are the sounds I hear real or just spellbound thoughts there to haunt? I fade out into the black that lay between my eyes and the existence I once had, to finally come across the sound of water and the lovely buzzing of bees among the scent of pines and memory, I ponder upon that sound of water and see the swirling colors of reminiscence splashing and forming together an image I remember all for it to just evaporate into the ether and I end up forgetting all over again.

-Armando Torres

I'm Tired

"I'm Tired" I feel it at the edges of my being, that extra exhausted feeling, the weariness in my knees, the tired tug and pull of my joints, the sandy grind in my bones, It seeps in from the outer edges and saturates everything about me. I tend to forget to give tenderness to my fingers and elbows, and they become upset with me, and begin to hurt, I rub them firm, massage the ache lingering in the tissue, moving the muscles with my thumbs as the pain releases its hold if only for a second. I reach for some lotion and stretch out the tightness in my muscled knots, my eyes feel the salty burn of day as I rub the sting to the sides of my eyes, I try to find relief in bed but only make it to the couch and collapse to sleep, The wear of the day has caught up to me and nothing else matters. I'm tired and my body has let me know it needs to recover but only for it to still feel tired in the morning.

-Armando Torres

Before We Get Too Old

"Before We Get Too Old" Let's take a chance, You and I, before we get too old. To look at seconds past together and remember stories we had hand in hand, To have those walks through the neighborhood just to watch the leaves sway on the elder oak, I want to know every little thing you like and have breakfast ready in the morning because I get up early and you like to sleep in, For you to show me your garden of plants and herbs you grew in the yard we had for years, Lets have each other's backs and inspire one another, To tackle life together before enough time passes and we forget what we ever felt for each other, Let's take a chance and be bold, You and I, before we get too old.

-Armando Torres

What It Felt Like

"What It Felt Like" I remember what that felt like, when the world felt infinitely huge and yet every corner of it at any point felt within my reach just whenever I decided to move for it. Distant lands passed the silky haze laying over the distant mountains existing among the frothy clouds hundreds of miles away. A world of wonder that got me thinking that perhaps the things I read were true. Dragons and orcs and wizards existed just beyond the horizon. What it felt like to get fifty dollars for your birthday to do with it what you wanted. To be in the yard drenching sprinkler wet but yet it was actually from a thunderstorm battle among the gods settling a dispute of who should rule. To go to bed with the world within your reach. It's why I give my niece a hundred dollars and gifts on her birthday, so she can tell me tales of her adventures and I can remember what it felt like.

-Armando Torres

Secrets

"Secrets" There are so many internal battles being fought in private, ...just below the surface. Struggles no one will ever see. Emotions guarded behind an impenetrable fortress. Internal dialogues no one will ever hear. Only the hints and whispers of thoughts and fears. Only the very tips of mountainous icebergs will be seen. Nothing fully formed. Only the impression of someone's existence. And somehow those things are supposed to be accurate representations of how we feel. Somehow, my mistakes are supposed to be my identity. Somehow, the little that I show is who I am; truly. Even though, everything beneath the surface is more me than anything this reality can represent. I do find some comfort however in knowing that these strangers will never truly know me. In the end, secrets define us whether by revealing them or keeping them hidden.

-Armando Torres

There Was A Time

"There was a Time" I look down and the ground disappears, everything becomes a blur of color and sound, purely on the periphery of where my mind can exist, It is here where I usually see you again, as a thought, an essence, a boundless idea floating among the nostalgic waves of memory. I walk among the swaying trees, as the sting of the heat softens and the cool hues of every shade of blue and violet have spread up and over the horizon. The rhythmic pull of the ocean pushes the glittering embers of light of yellow and white over and back across the surface of the water toward the shores and back into the sea disappearing again in a flicker against the sandy rocks. There was a time where I could see none of this, A time where your echoes would be the only thing, but now the ground fades to blur and I find the softness of a cool summer breeze brings me a smile.

-Armando Torres

Shadow People

"Shadow People" My eyes roll forward from sleep as the skin that lay overtop pulls back revealing the room to me, but doing so doesn't wake my body from the cavernous black in which I was sleeping; I can move Nothing on my anatomy, as I push for the strength to budge even an inch, I'm just a disembodied consciousness at this point filling quickly with terror. My eyes continue to dart around the corners of the room, And then I see it, there in the corner, motionless, just staring from behind a featureless black face, A body of darkness pulled directly from the void, My whole being helpless and in complete paralysis, even the smallest parts of me cannot move, only my eyes as I watch this thing watch me from the corner. I can feel the screams building inside my throat, but they cannot escape, it's just turbulent air pushing against my windpipe, It doesn't care, it just stands there, staring, watching, a terrifying essence emanating from it, My existence begins to feel the pull, to the edges of the void, as my mind continues to tumble toward it, overwhelming panic and terror engulfs my every inch of consciousness, I cannot even think outside of the complete terror as I watch more of them come in, as I watch these shadow people glimpse into me.

-Armando Torres

I Forgot To Feel

"I forgot to feel" It lost itself somewhere behind these eyes of mine, Some kind of sorrow I forgot to feel. It's there somewhere and yet perhaps it is not... Maybe it's what I tell myself in those lonely moments where nothing exists except me and my thoughts. The darkness lingers longer than it should with the swell of all my tears brimming at the edges but I just hide it deep so far beneath these eyes of mine, that somehow it lost itself somewhere inside... Some kind of sorrow I forgot to feel, even though I know deep down; I did not.

-Armando Torres

In This Moment

"In This Moment" It is perhaps this dark and dreary night that I'm sitting here again reaching this whiskey's end. I erase my mind of you every time I take another drink. I don't want to feel you anymore. I don't want to have to think. I want to feel another night without the presence of your memory. I want to be able to dream without you finding me. To navigate through the frothy clouds to some emerald gate. To find my way through the shimmering points of pale light scattered across the night sky. To fly among them and touch them like fingers to a flowing river. To crash through one moment to find another on the other side without ever fearing your memory will find me. Somewhere among the textures of time and memory I sit waiting existing already with you as only something I left behind. However, I'm still here with the earliest memories of it and only the empty sensation of what feels real from it all left just for me in this moment.

-Armando Torres

Early Fucking Mornings

"Early Fucking Mornings"

I sit in the quiet darkness of morning; just reminiscing. The birds have begun to sing their songs, chirping their lyrics from the power lines. The dark blues above start to give way to the warm hues of sunrise. So many moments begin to swell behind my weary eyes as I drink my coffee this morning while remembering faded glimpses of my youth. Time has washed away everything of worth and has left the wreckage of a life held together barely by only memories. So many regrets, so many thoughts both happy and wretched. It's too much in the morning some days, too much to look in the mirror at my face and see my hollowed out eyes surrounded by circles of dark shades in grey skin tones. Too much to feel every ache and pain of memory in my bones. Too much to feel every ragged and worn out pull of my joints, Too much to hear every echo of thought from years gone, So I grab the bottle of vodka and serve a glass over ice, It's only half passed nine and already I can't handle life.

-Armando Torres

Everyone Says The Same Thing

Everyone says the same thing, "THIS is real, right now, this. This is reality. I'm real, you're real." But how do they know for sure? How can I be certain? It all can just be a byproduct of my mind trying to cope with the physics of a dream world. Am I dreaming right now? The last thing I remember is dying. I died. I know I did. At least I think I did. Did I? So how can this be? How can I be? This all could be memory so vividly dancing among the existential rhythms and waves of recollection. Some kind of simulation for my senses until that last bit of entropy finally flickers out and this memory becomes faded. Until it too just becomes darkness fading out into echoic whispers engulfed into an infinite black. Just a blip into the unremembered. Yet still, Everyone says the same thing. This is real. This right now.

Another Night

"Another Night" Another night of beer; of sitting here away from myself, trying to pull relevance from my day, Trying to find the guts to love, to go on, to talk about that one time, To linger at the edge of my glass only to hide behind this pint, To order another and drink it fast before I realize these stories of mine are beginning to wear thin, Oh shit, I've gone and had too much again, Now I'm here by myself and one quick look into the bathroom mirror and it's all gone, it's that sour smell again, Fuck, It's been another night, and I find I've gone and wasted another day waking up to the morning rays.

-Armando Torres

A Moment of It

"A Moment of It"

In the 

rigid rock lines

of these enormous boulders

that are vertically splitting 

the sandy layered oranges

of history

that stretch down toward

the world 

from a heavenly blue sky

holds the endless elegant worth

of what these rocks really mean.

Hues of desert blues and pulpy purples

paint a backdrop of earth 

growing

and aging

inside a time 

we will never be able to experience.

Just the faintest hints of their essence of their scale

will be felt 

and only as a moment frozen

to time;

For we are not among 

these beings

but only here to witness them

in all their grandeur.

These rocks have eroded and changed

far more and beyond anything 

we could ever parallel,

Stoney beings existing

among another river of time,

dancing and lingering

with one another,

Experiencing

the seconds of eons 

flow past them

as they continue to exist

and things seize to be,

They stay in place 

as we flicker out of existence

and they continue to play

defiant to time,

They break the sky and create

in the cracks

the scenery of centuries

only for us to ever only see

just a moment of it.

-Armando Torres

My Heart Bleeds

"My Heart Bleeds"

Seeping in 

from the edges of my perception

these dreams 

begin to tear

through my well-being,

   Ripping and shredding

      the delicate fabric

      I meticulously weaved 

to shroud me from the feelings

my heart no longer needs to feel,

These emotions bleed 

         through 

soaking the whole of the tapestry 

like blood to a towel,

         And I remain helpless;

Only able to grasp in thought 

their essence

but never really

detecting tangibly 

with any

of my other senses,

They're like ghosts existing on the periphery

of what I can comprehend 

and yet

still able to destroy 

the peace my heart seeks,

Only ever feeling them 

pour through me 

as they leave behind 

their echoes for me to reflect upon,

I stare at this tear 

sliding over the grooves 

   of my face,

wondering 

   from what ethereal plane

these elegant shimmering drips 

of sadness 

have been pulled from

to manifest 

   for the here and now,

They just delicately 

leave behind their salty stains

on my lips and cheeks,

A bittersweet taste 

to remind me

to question

if these emotions

ever existed in the first place,

Because 

these dreams are no memories

of mine 

   and yet shomehow 

   feel more real 

   than any memory 

   I have.

I wonder then,

   whose feelings 

   am I feeling 

because my heart bleeds 

out of necessity 

without ever

questioning why,

   and I feel

   everything.

-Armando Torres

No Destination

"No Destination"

Every day 

I disappear from the world a little more,

    sinking back and away 

    into a desolate landscape.

Nothing of worth

stretching in every way,

    My eyes gaze upon    

the barren reds and pulpy purples

that spread

across the sky 

in every direction.

I start walking 

hoping 

some sort of destination 

manifests out

from this oily suffocation of silence.

This journey 

takes me 

deeper and deeper

further away from here,

    leaving me only 

as an echo of who I was

to walk among you,

    A shell of sugar thin smiles and indifference,

The destitute feeling of feeling nothing

feels more and more

appealing 

than being bound by my senses,

I have come to love 

these barren reds and pulpy purples,

No longer hoping

for anywhere to be.

Just wanting to dissolve

into the collective energy

of nothing.

-Armando Torres

Only Knowing

"Only Knowing"

There are moments in my life

where what I see

and what I perceive 

are different,

     it's like seeing 

     the here and now

through a memory,

These feelings 

are the same

and yet

ever so strange,

Just different enough 

to know the difference,

Not quite 

what the moment is saying,

Feels like memory

peeking through,

Leaves one to question

     what is memory

     if not a simulation

          of reality anyway,

Like

The tip of a mountainous iceberg

on top of a summit 

that lies beneath the sea

drifting among the currents

of infinite oceans

around a planet

that is floating 

among

the waves of the cosmos

of swirling stars

and celestial bodies,

Just another sprinkle

among the trillions and trillions

of sparkling grains

glittering

their pale points of light

from just beyond our perception of time,

Inward infinitely

like moments in a dream,

falling from one reality to another,

forever,

never knowing where now is

or when where 

what we see is real,

Only knowing

what we feel;

     Is in the end,

what is reality.

-Armando Torres

I Wish I Knew...

"I Wish I Knew..." It's gone, all those days I just knew would never end. Gone...Goodbye... every time the day begins to end, remembering all over again, I remember because it's all still there just beneath my façade, it feels as if it never left. I wish we knew then how bad it would hurt because then love would likely be a game I would never have played. The taste of this bittersweet defeat lingers far longer than me never knowing. I would never know your kiss, never to feel the naked brush of your skin against mine. I would dine alone without your judgmental eyes, being glad I lived alone, I would sit on the couch by myself to watch television and laugh with the empty room, I would watch through my window as other couples passed never knowing that game they were playing, but always knowing deep down wishing really I knew what that felt like.

-Armando Torres

When The Good Started To Fade

I remember when

the good started to fade,

when your smiles became

less and less every day,

and the space

in between our words

grew so large

silence became

the only way

we communicated.

I still remember the yearning

in my heart 

to reconnect with you

while you were 

still around

and how 

for me

that eventually 

turned into 

deep internal tears.

We lived within a mold

we let grow

that stretched 

around the edges

of our connection

and let the natural decay

of our dying relationship

consume us

more each day.

We let the corrosive effects 

of resentment

kill the time we had left.

I took for granted the moments

we still had together.

Thinking naively that forever

was an option.

If I saw you today

I wouldn't even know what to say,

We became strangers so easily

that I wish too

our history would be

forgotten,

It's not that
I want to be with you anymore,

It's the lingering memory for me,

The remembering of

when the good started to fade,

And we did nothing

to save it.

-Armando Torres

Just For Us

"Just For Us"

There's something safe

inside nostagia,

something we all remember being,

     a stretch of time 

     where we still felt

     the whole of our lives 

     could still be filled 

with what we wanted to be,

Time has a way of being 

full of possibilities

and empty of them

at the same time,

Back when I was a kid

something I realize now

     is that everyday were full of

if's and when's and then's,

And now 

so many painful 

what if's ;

     So full of happy memories 

and what could have been's,

I remember when

     mornings on the weekends 

--first thing,

I would lift 

a cordless phone

because my mom loved them,

     dialing from memory 

     all my friends

trying to make plans for the day,

Nothing mattered 

as long as we each said 

we could hang, 

     Lazy sundays

with my sister 

waiting for my dad 

to start the barbeque, 

Oh, 

there's something safe 

in nostalgia 

and why

I still love going to the movie theater,

     Or enjoying a backyard barbeque

with my friends,

     Grabbing snacks 

and watching the same

shitty horror movie

again and again,

     Listening to the same songs 

over and over

until the last second 

just to repeat again

on a sony walkman,

There are moments in time 

we all have 

where we find 

what feels safe enough to open up 

--if only just for us.

-Armando Torres