I Will Destroy You

"I Will Destroy You"

There's a rage brewing in me.

I'm so sensitive

that I will hurt you back and stab

with deadly precision

so you couldn't be able 

to fake the pain

to attack back.

You would instead

have to defend yourself

from things that hurt for real

because that hurt is so deep,

     making you think

     about your own self worth

first

before trying to attack my insecurities.

I will destroy you

before you ever got close

to what makes me tick.

     I would have figured you out

     the moment you started to get to know me,

     I will never feel your hurt.

That self preservation

has left me alone.

I never get close.

Never allowed my heart to open up.

Never built a life or legacy.

Just tried to save myself from bullies.

I just worried about

not letting someone else

hurt my psyche.

But in my twilight years of life

realize now

I only let them win 

by developing

these thick skins

and defense mechanisms.

     I only let

     my own hurt

     leave a lonely

     soul dying

hoping

someone

would come visit me.

But I left nothing behind

and hurt everyone

I ever knew

because

     Not Hurting

was the only thing

that mattered.

So dying alone

in silence

is how that life

that started with such reverence

and screaming

and crying

as a baby

will end.

I'm sorry mom.

I'm sorry dad.

You're gone

and I will be too,

very...

     ...soon.

-Armando Torres

Oh God, Why

"Oh God, Why"

On a midnight stretch of time

sleep seems to escape me.

So, I reach for another drink

but find my glass empty.

I lumber toward the kitchen

but before I do

I have to take another piss,

and as the light illuminates my eyes

I see my gnarled reflection in the mirror.

A tired and battered face,

unshaven with deep, dark, sunken eyes.

The mirror grows lips and whispers

     come here.

    Look at you, just pathetic,

    How can you let yourself live?

    There's nothing waiting for you tomorrow,

    There's nothing for you here today.

Fuck you! I'm not listening to what you say.

I'm okay.

I got this.

You're not real.

    Oh, I'm real all right.

    As real as your pathetic face.

    Look, there, in the kitchen,

    Just go have another drink,

    I know you want one.

    It'll be okay,    

    Just think about how tomorrow will come again

    and you'll feel like shit again,

    but at least it's not the end right?

    Remember where we put the gun,

    in the drawer

    next to the bed,

    Remember, we did it, together.

    It's still loaded.

Shut Up!!

I'm not listening to you,

Whatever the fuck you are.

You're not real.

You just can't be.

You're just in my head.

That's right, I just have to get a grip.

I'm just gonna...go have 'nother drink.

Then I can sleep

and forget about all this,

about tonight.

Tomorrow will be better.

    Hahaha! Yes, tomorrow will be here again.

    And I will come with it.

    You think you can drown me out?

    I'm with you until the end,

    So go ahead,

    Have another drink again,

    I'm not going anywhere.

    It's inevitable

    Because you have already made the choice.

    I've seen it happen.

    I'm just here to watch it again.

    Maybe I can even pull the trigger this time.

ShutupShutup!!

I can't listen.

Why is this happening?

    You know why.

Yesss...I do. Oh God.

    Then stop hiding

    behind ignorance

    and fucking drink another drink already

    and get it done.

Oh God.  Why is this happening?

    Just do it. 

    Don't question it.

    Everything has already been decided.

    You just need to follow it.

Okay....

okay.

Just shut up for a quick second

so i can take this drink.

    Good.

    ...good.

All right. 

Lets do this.

Where is she?

    In the bedroom

    Where you left her.

That's right.

    Yes.

    All tied up.

Nowhere to go baby.

    Time to do it.

Yes.

To do it again.

    Yes. Do it.

There's always another one in the end.

    Do it!!

-Armando Torres

Memories Again

"Memories Again"

I blocked you out

for so long

I forgot how you felt

in my memories,

I forgot about those years you affected me,

I even forgot what you looked like,

I, however,

Did not Realize

I also blocked out parts of myself

in the process,

In trying to rebuild and rediscover

myself 

I found parts I still had

about my past

that are detrimental

to who I am

and your memory

was still there,

You came flooding back.

Time seems to be an illusion

in moments like that,

The space between then and now

feels as real as

Holding emotion

in my hand.

There's no difference

in between

the sliver of touch

and what my heart

tells me is real.

I'm a slave

to something my soul

has determined

to be profound to me

even if I Don't Agree.

The only way I will find

who I am again,

and become who I will be

is by finding

these memories again,

as painful as they may be.

-Armando Torres

Here for the Ride

"Here for the Ride"

The flickering flame

     of candle light

     dances over my face

     as I contemplate every regret

     my life has ever made.

Not me! mind you.

I'm only a vessel

for experience.

I'm not responsible for the choices 

that are made by this life,

for every decision already exists.

I'm just here for the ride.

Just to feel every emotion

this life has experienced.

To make it real

among the cosmos,

just so it has a witness

so it can justify its existence.

Don't ask me anything!

I don't know a Damn Thing!

I'm just here for the experience.

Now let me sulk inside a dark room

to watch a candle flicker

before my eyes

contemplating suicide

as I down another glass of Jack.

-Armando Torres

I Know Better

"I Know Better"

I see people everywhere

that are not there,

They exist

at the edges of my perception

where the safety of reality

and all things knowable

fray.

They say

it's all in my head

that it's not real.

     But I know better,

They would have me believe

their narrative instead,

that I am one of them.

     But I know better,

That somehow

my life is uniquely mine

but not at all uncommon,

     not different enough to be different

     and not safe enough to be innocent.

These people I see 

that are right in front of me

seem more far away and unreal

     than the shadow people from my dreams

because I know better.

-Armando Torres

In This Moment

"In This Moment"

It is perhaps

     this dark and dreary night

that I'm sitting here again

reaching this whiskey's end.

I erase my mind

of you 

every time

     I take another drink.

I don't want to feel you anymore.

     I don't want to have to think.

I want to feel another night

     without the presence of your memory.

I want  to be able to dream

     without you finding me.

To navigate through the frothy clouds

to some emerald gate.

To find my way 

     through the shimmering points of pale light

     scattered across the night sky.

To fly among them

and touch them

     like fingers to a flowing river.

To crash through one moment

to find another on the other side

     without ever fearing your memory

will find me.

Somewhere among

the textures of time and memory

I sit waiting

existing already

with you as only something

I left behind.

However,

I'm still here

with the earliest memories of it

and only the empty sensation

of what feels real from it

all left just for me

     in this moment.

-Armando Torres

I Will Not Allow Them...

"I Will Not Allow Them..."

I lie about my dreams,

about what I actually see,

What I tell you

is not what is true,

There are things about me

that have deformed me underneath,

Things that have broken me,

     gnarled and chewed on me,

left me in pieces

to be bandaged and stitched

back together,

I will never be

a natural fit forever,

Parts of me are ugly

     and others misshapen,

Pieces put back in the wrong place

     forming the wrong shapes,

I'm not a natural fit for anything,

Nature has abandoned me

leaving me with this reflection

     of deformed wounds,

I would not want you to know the truth,

That is why I lie about my dreams to you,

I would rather have you believe

that I am your pure reflection

of love,

Instead

of this horrid, gnarled, deformed

imperfection of me,

Whatever I would have been

was spent

long before now,

No one will ever know me in the end

because I will not allow them.

-Armando Torres

Flakes of Snow

"Flakes of Snow"

Delicate white flakes of snow

silently fall outside the window,

My mind slowly begins

to leave sleep behind,

My eyes leisurely start to see

the morning light

pouring through the window blinds,

Just then,

     you wrap your arm around me

     softly pulling me in

     closer to your naked skin,

Our bodies

     entwined still

     from the night before

     holding the silky sensation

     craving for more,

Winter softly touches

the edges of the windows

as we hold each other close,

Our naked bodies

radiating heat

keeping the cold at bay

and you begin to kiss me,

Your gently moans

penetrate this winter silence

as my body and soul

become yours to own,

I hold on for as long as I can

until finally 

     I lose myself

     inside of you,

All that remains

in this silence of satisfaction

are

the delicate flakes of snow

falling gently outside the window.

-Armando Torres

What You Left Behind

"What You Left Behind"

There's a part of me

that wants you to hurt,

wants you to miss me,

     for you to say sorry

and beg

and plead

for me to take you back

     but for me to calmly say no.

It's a dream however,

     because

     you're never coming back.

Instead,

     I'm left with

     lonely despair

trying with all I have

to not fold

underneath

the weight of silence

There's a part of me

that wants you to feel what I feel,

for you to find the mistakes

that were made

and realize

your life should be with me

but for me to have already

     moved on to another life.

It's a fantasy however,

     because

     you have already moved on.

I saw you

at the grocery.

     You introduced me to your new life.

I said hi,

and then parted ways.

You didn't even see

     the gaping hole 

     you left in my chest

     from our past.

Didn't notice

the swell of pain

behind my eyes

Or

the decaying rot

of my wound.

You saw none of it

as you smiled

and turned

and walked away

with your new life.

Without another thought

about

     what you left behind.

-Armando Torres

Feed on Me

"Feed on Me"

I care for you

too much

that

I wouldn't want you

to ruin your life

for me.

I'm not what you think.

I'm broken.

I've done things to be ashamed of,

     things to never be spoken of.

I've lied

and I've hurt people 

that I care about.

I'm not worth it.

You don't.  

Need me.

Go live your life without me.

You'll see 

it was the right decision.

Of course,

every inch of my being

will be screaming

"Don't Leave."

but I wouldn't let you know that.

Those are my demons trying to feed,

     instead,

          I'm going to open

          another bottle of Jack

and let them 

feed on me.

-Armando Torres

This Time of Year

"This Time of Year"

Amidst a crisp winter white

slowly falling from the sky

the soft crunch of snow

beneath my feet

always reminds me

that time has gone by,

This time of year always seems

to bring your memory,

A piece of my heart

left with you

when it ended,

     Its okay though

          I still remember you the way you were

          but that was a lifetime ago,

This winter snow however

always blurs the lines of what you were to me,

Feels like watching a movie remembering those memories,

I know that

Somewhere in this winter white

Our past still exists

but only like

     a snowflake,

fleeting in its beauty,

existing before our eyes

for mere moments

before

disappearing on the ground

among the million

other flakes of snow,

leaving behind 

only

their essence in memory.

Gone to time.

-Armando Torres

drip.

"drip."

The sound of a delicate dripping

swims through the silence

of this

     motionless home.

Nothing moves anymore

except the shadows,

     drip.

Outside 

the sun rises

and moves across the sky

casting

and 

changing

     the shadows inside each room.

          The only movement that exists now.

As daylight softens

the shadows silently

grow

and 

stretch

     across the floor

     and up the walls.

           drip.

Filling the whole home

with darker shades of day,

until the night is in every corner.

Each day is the same.

Memories captured

     in picture frames

telling stories with no sound.

Only painful reminders

of how alone this time of year can be.

They aren't here anymore.

It's just hollow here and empty.

drip.

This place is just a cavern

of painful memories now

with

     no one left to remember them.

drip.

Its been weeks

and the world continues

to move outside.

No one ever came around before.

No one comes around now.

When it happened,

it was because 

it finally passed the threshold of hesitation,

      A certain kind of courage filled his veins,

      drip.

There was only purpose

in the peace that could be only found

by letting go.

drip.

Its been weeks

and no one has found him.

There has been no movement in this home.

No sounds of footsteps.

No laughter.

Long before the delicate drip had any meaning

he had a warm bath.

The water has turned cold since then

and his hand hangs motionless over the edge.

There's a peaceful silence that hangs heavy in the air.

A painful sorrow that overlays the cold water

that lay motionless and silent

Until the next drip.

-Armando Torres 

I Don't Even Remember You

"I Don't Even Remember You"

I find the fire

this night

     a deceptive comfort.

The sting of the cold

attempts to creep in

     through my skin

but the warmth of the fire

keeps these

     icy demons at bay.

The shades of warm oranges

and

flickering yellows

     wash my face

     as I close my eyes

and

     I raise my chin

     to the sky.

I know

     what burns in the darkness.

I decided

long before now

     among

     the delicate sounds

          of piano notes

that I would burn it

     all down.

The soft warmth

has become a fiery sting

     on my skin

but I continue to watch

from a ways away

     as I let this fire

bring

     an end

          to everything.

I don't know

     if you were in there.

I just know

     that these flames

     have begun

to lick my face

     and this smile

has turned gnarled.

The world

begins to become

     silent

as the screams

     elegantly

turn into beautiful

     piano notes

so fondly remembered.

A melodic rhythm

     to fade away to.

I don't even remember you.

-Armando Torres

I Love You

"I Love You"

Lonely thoughts begin

     to fill his head

and he again

     starts

thinking

about

     the first time they met.

"Hi," she said with a bright smile he'll never forget.

"Hi," he replied, 

     "so what are you looking to get?"

          ...he worked concessions for the high school games.

"Can I get umm..."

     ...he couldn't pull his eyes away

          he felt the warm fuzzies as they say.

"a large coke and some popcorn."

"Sure thing," he replied

     as an unexplainable fondness was born.

"I think that's it," she said.

"Okay," he ended 

     as he glanced at her lips...cherry red.

He remembers

     them

making love in bed

     among the midnight hues,

"My heart is complete with you,"

     he told her,

She replied with

     "me too."

He couldn't concentrate

on the road

as the tears

     veneered

his eyes

     making it

hard to see

     the road

in this night drive.

All he could see

     in those tiny spaces of 

          ambient thought

     was her face.

It wasn't fair.

Why did it have to be this way?

"What's your family like?" he asked.

"Nothing I would brag about."

"Oh, why's that?"

"Just some stuff I wouldn't...just stuff needs to get sorted out."

"Oh, I'm sorry."

"Don't worry, you're alright. What's your family like?"

"They're pretty boring, but I love 'em.

     My sister is pretty big on collecting Star Wars things."

"I love that. Maybe I can get her a gift this Christmas?"

"She would love that."

"Maybe I could come with you for the holidays?" she asked.

"I would love that!"

He hated this.

     Things became not what they were.

Somewhere a fork happened

     and each led away from each other.

Just then another flash of light

     blinded him

pulling him back from memory.

His mind was a mess

but focusing on those

     sweet memories

helped him focus.

He loved her.

He hated thinking of 

     the reality of what happened.

"I want to tell you something,"

     he said barely above a whisper.

She looked into his eyes

     waiting for the words

          to leave his lips.

"I love you," he said.

She closed her eyes

     leaning in to kiss,

and as her lips caressed his,

she replied with,

     "I love you too."

There was nothing left to do

but drive these miles

to her.

His eyes glossed

     in salty pain,

     trying to find the road.

He just knows 

the only thing he ever knew

     that he still loves her.

And nothing would ever

     keep his heart

     the way she could.

He would regret it forever 

     if he never tried.

Here in his destruction

     He has nothing left to hide.

He reaches to the backseat

and cracks open another can

barely able to see the car lights

     in the night.

Feeling every thing he has ever felt

     at the same time,

          he loses himself

drifting into the oncoming lights.

I love you

     he finally tells the night sky.

-Armando Torres

You Were The Lie

"You Were The Lie"

You were the lie

     I allowed my heart

     to believe.

And Like an animal,

     you brutally tore it to shreds.

But like a human,

     you left the pieces there to rot.

Taking what you needed

and

Leaving the rest

like

A carcass to the vultures.

You left me vulnerable to them

     as the scavengers

     had their feast,

Picking me clean.

How could you leave me like this...

     you never even looked back

          as I reached out so desperately,

Slobbering on myself

          as I sobbed these painful tears,

     gasping for air

in between every agonizing breath,

You left,

     and

I stayed,

     feeling like only 

I cared.

I find myself now

     lonely

     in other's embraces,

          letting my body

          be used

          as I search desperately

          for the same thing we had.

Me and You.

How could you leave me so broken...

     so open to the sting of memory,

     so afraid of the lonely silence.

I barely recognize

myself now

     in the wake of this carnage.

I miss me more than I miss you.

You were

     in the end

     just another wolf

with much better ways to hide

     than I ever knew.

-Armando Torres

Whatever You Are

"Whatever You Are"  

I'm scared  

you're watching me now  

there from the corner  

with dead and unmoving eyes,  

Just existing but not thinking,  

Looking but not waiting,  

Just standing there

in the corner  

Watching.  

Witnessing my every moment,  

Observing my every movement,  

It is perhaps  

the dark and dreary night  

this creeping fear exists  

But you spoke to me once,  

I remember it quite well,  

you said to me two words,  

To Hell,  

I never saw what you were,  

I just know  

you were there  

and I'm scared  

that you still are.  

Whatever you are.

Malevolence v2.

"Malevolence"  

In the darkness that lingers   

around us all   

there exists something  

that tempts us,  

chooses us,  

and crushes us,  

inside a paradox of sweetest things.  

It knows  

when you think of it  

and pounces its whole existence  

at once  

to where ever welcomes it.  

It sits in your room  

waiting patiently  

looming ever closer  

as your mind wanders towards it.  

Knowing the very moment  

to engulf your reality  

overwhelming your mind  

in horrors  

you never wanted to see.  

It grants you  

that all you know  

has some truth  

for that would be your proof  

to believe,  

Because in all that was misleading  

in its words  

there would be a base  

to fake its truth to you.  

As your strength falters  

nothing you knew  

would hold true  

when the temptations  

finally overwhelmed you.  

You would never know  

you gave in so long ago  

before this moment,  

A failure it knows all too well,  

And savors on the taste of it.   

Beginning again  

your own demise  

behind your tired eyes  

of a few moments before  

you so blindly gave away  

all that was of worth,  

Its words have burned  

through your soul  

tearing apart  

your mind  

leaving the shell of a person,  

lifeless and hollow.  

A person who will never understand  

all they wanted to know.  

A person in eternal damnation  

of their own making,  

burning in the fires of misery  

Never knowing the lies  

were the the only truths  

they realized.

-Armando Torres

Ghostly Visage

"Ghostly Visage"

Silence hangs heavy

     in the room with me

     as the warm oranges of day

pour through the window,

Another night begins

to take shape

as the sun dips

below the horizon,

And another ghostly tour of memory

will appear

in every corner I look,

I see you there again

by the books

saying something 

I can no longer hear,

Smiling at me as you slowly disappear,

The darker hues of blues

begin

to crawl up 

along the walls,

As night creeps closer,

I see you there

in your favorite chair

flipping through old mail,

I try and step closer to you

but you fade away again,

   just then my eyes look toward

the doorway

as you stand there

looking happy

and you turn and walk away,

For a brief moment

I can feel the brush of your touch

on my hand again

but you are not here,

and you never will be again,

You're not dead

but I wish I was,

and that throws my spirit

into a fit of rage,

because you do not hold

that power over me,

However,

My essence knows

someone like you

will never happen again

for me,

But life for you

will be kinder,

The sharp sting of cold

has finally arrived with the night,

and I begin again

to drink to forget,

Life will not destroy me

with liquid destruction

Instead

I will forge ahead

hand in hand

with the night

knowing

one morning 

your ghostly visage

will no longer haunt me.

-Armando Torres

When it Ends

"When it Ends"

I woke up again

     thinking you were here,

But nothing remains

but these salty tears,

This was the end for real,

     never going to see you again in here,

I can however,

     still remember when

the thought of being with you

was without end

But like watching a beautiful sunset

and not wanting it to end,

We reveled in the happiness 

of the beauty of

the hues of purples and golden oranges

as they stretched 

across the sky

reflecting a glimmering splendor

over the horizon,

We wanted this moment

to last forever,

Our moment,

Our existence together,

But like a sunset

the darkness will end

the shimmering glow of the sun,

it will end the day for night

Forever leaving 

that moment

behind

to time,

Suddenly then

all this pain,

all this sorrow,

to have to feel alone

in the end,

There's nothing to do

but 

acknowledge

the darkness for the night it is

and shed my tears

in the safety

of its shroud,

so that I may see

the coming sunrise,

And perhaps

I will wake

not 

thinking you were here

but instead

watching a beautiful sunrise

as the day takes shape

before me,

And I find our memory

has taught me

and

not broken me,

That my memory

tells me to remember

that a whole life

exists

without you,

That a beautiful sunset

is yet to come again

and I can watch it

not having to fear any pain

or cry

when it ends.

-Armando Torres

Moonlight Shimmer

"Moonlight Shimmer"

I take a long steady breath

     hoping

I let fall from my eyes

another memory to its death,

Closing my eyes

     does not stop

this steady stream

of shimmering droplets

drenched in dreams

from my life.

Moments I remember

only for them to paint

     a picture

that does not exist,

I take another long breath

     hoping

another image

has left away from here

with its weight and meaning,

I open my eyes

covered

with watery droplets

shimmering below a ghostly light,

The haunting silence

holding steady 

among the night glow,

I slowly look up

through my window

and finally see

the moonlight shimmer

and realize

I am not alone,

I cry my tears toward the heavens

knowing there are others

looking up

at this same night sky

also watching

this magnificent moon

shimmering its glow

down upon

our salty droplets of sorrow,

And for an instant

these tears of mine

stop

knowing the moon

hides

the pain and sorrow 

we share with it

behind its ghostly beauty,

And for a night

I finally find peace

as my eyes slowly close to sleep

below this

moonlight shimmer.

-Armando Torres