Tuesday, February 22, 2022

I Will Destroy You







"I Will Destroy You"
There's a rage brewing in me.
I'm so sensitive
that I will hurt you back and stab
with deadly precision
so you couldn't be able 
to fake the pain
to attack back.

You would instead
have to defend yourself
from things that hurt for real
because that hurt is so deep,
     making you think
     about your own self worth
first
before trying to attack my insecurities.

I will destroy you
before you ever got close
to what makes me tick.
     I would have figured you out
     the moment you started to get to know me,
     I will never feel your hurt.

That self preservation
has left me alone.
I never get close.
Never allowed my heart to open up.
Never built a life or legacy.
Just tried to save myself from bullies.

I just worried about
not letting someone else
hurt my psyche.

But in my twilight years of life
realize now
I only let them win 
by developing
these thick skins
and defense mechanisms.
     I only let
     my own hurt
     leave a lonely
     soul dying
hoping
someone
would come visit me.

But I left nothing behind
and hurt everyone
I ever knew
because
     Not Hurting
was the only thing
that mattered.

So dying alone
in silence
is how that life
that started with such reverence
and screaming
and crying
as a baby
will end.

I'm sorry mom.
I'm sorry dad.
You're gone
and I will be too,
very...
     ...soon.
-Armando Torres

Sunday, February 20, 2022

Oh God, Why





"Oh God, Why"
On a midnight stretch of time
sleep seems to escape me.
So, I reach for another drink
but find my glass empty.

I lumber toward the kitchen
but before I do
I have to take another piss,
and as the light illuminates my eyes
I see my gnarled reflection in the mirror.

A tired and battered face,
unshaven with deep, dark, sunken eyes.

The mirror grows lips and whispers
     come here.

    Look at you, just pathetic,
    How can you let yourself live?
    There's nothing waiting for you tomorrow,
    There's nothing for you here today.
Fuck you! I'm not listening to what you say.
I'm okay.
I got this.
You're not real.
    Oh, I'm real all right.
    As real as your pathetic face.
    Look, there, in the kitchen,
    Just go have another drink,
    I know you want one.
    It'll be okay,    
    Just think about how tomorrow will come again
    and you'll feel like shit again,
    but at least it's not the end right?
    Remember where we put the gun,
    in the drawer
    next to the bed,
    Remember, we did it, together.
    It's still loaded.
Shut Up!!
I'm not listening to you,
Whatever the fuck you are.
You're not real.
You just can't be.
You're just in my head.
That's right, I just have to get a grip.
I'm just gonna...go have 'nother drink.
Then I can sleep
and forget about all this,
about tonight.
Tomorrow will be better.
    Hahaha! Yes, tomorrow will be here again.
    And I will come with it.
    You think you can drown me out?
    I'm with you until the end,
    So go ahead,
    Have another drink again,
    I'm not going anywhere.
    It's inevitable
    Because you have already made the choice.
    I've seen it happen.
    I'm just here to watch it again.
    Maybe I can even pull the trigger this time.
ShutupShutup!!
I can't listen.
Why is this happening?
    You know why.
Yesss...I do. Oh God.
    Then stop hiding
    behind ignorance
    and fucking drink another drink already
    and get it done.
Oh God.  Why is this happening?
    Just do it. 
    Don't question it.
    Everything has already been decided.
    You just need to follow it.
Okay....
okay.
Just shut up for a quick second
so i can take this drink.
    Good.
    ...good.
All right. 
Lets do this.
Where is she?
    In the bedroom
    Where you left her.
That's right.
    Yes.
    All tied up.
Nowhere to go baby.
    Time to do it.
Yes.
To do it again.
    Yes. Do it.
There's always another one in the end.
    Do it!!
-Armando Torres

Wednesday, February 16, 2022

Memories Again







"Memories Again"
I blocked you out
for so long
I forgot how you felt
in my memories,
I forgot about those years you affected me,
I even forgot what you looked like,
I, however,
Did not Realize
I also blocked out parts of myself
in the process,

In trying to rebuild and rediscover
myself 
I found parts I still had
about my past
that are detrimental
to who I am
and your memory
was still there,
You came flooding back.

Time seems to be an illusion
in moments like that,
The space between then and now
feels as real as
Holding emotion
in my hand.
There's no difference
in between
the sliver of touch
and what my heart
tells me is real.

I'm a slave
to something my soul
has determined
to be profound to me
even if I Don't Agree.

The only way I will find
who I am again,
and become who I will be
is by finding
these memories again,
as painful as they may be.
-Armando Torres


Tuesday, February 15, 2022

Here for the Ride





"Here for the Ride"
The flickering flame
     of candle light
     dances over my face
     as I contemplate every regret
     my life has ever made.

Not me! mind you.
I'm only a vessel
for experience.

I'm not responsible for the choices 
that are made by this life,
for every decision already exists.

I'm just here for the ride.
Just to feel every emotion
this life has experienced.
To make it real
among the cosmos,
just so it has a witness
so it can justify its existence.

Don't ask me anything!
I don't know a Damn Thing!

I'm just here for the experience.

Now let me sulk inside a dark room
to watch a candle flicker
before my eyes
contemplating suicide
as I down another glass of Jack.
-Armando Torres

I Know Better





"I Know Better"
I see people everywhere
that are not there,
They exist
at the edges of my perception
where the safety of reality
and all things knowable
fray.

They say
it's all in my head
that it's not real.
     But I know better,

They would have me believe
their narrative instead,
that I am one of them.
     But I know better,

That somehow
my life is uniquely mine
but not at all uncommon,
     not different enough to be different
     and not safe enough to be innocent.

These people I see 
that are right in front of me
seem more far away and unreal
     than the shadow people from my dreams
because I know better.
-Armando Torres

Tuesday, February 1, 2022

In This Moment






"In This Moment"
It is perhaps
     this dark and dreary night
that I'm sitting here again
reaching this whiskey's end.

I erase my mind
of you 
every time
     I take another drink.
I don't want to feel you anymore.
     I don't want to have to think.

I want to feel another night
     without the presence of your memory.
I want  to be able to dream
     without you finding me.

To navigate through the frothy clouds
to some emerald gate.
To find my way 
     through the shimmering points of pale light
     scattered across the night sky.
To fly among them
and touch them
     like fingers to a flowing river.
To crash through one moment
to find another on the other side
     without ever fearing your memory
will find me.

Somewhere among
the textures of time and memory
I sit waiting
existing already
with you as only something
I left behind.

However,
I'm still here
with the earliest memories of it
and only the empty sensation
of what feels real from it
all left just for me
     in this moment.
-Armando Torres

Wednesday, December 15, 2021

I Will Not Allow Them...






"I Will Not Allow Them..."
I lie about my dreams,
about what I actually see,
What I tell you
is not what is true,

There are things about me
that have deformed me underneath,
Things that have broken me,
     gnarled and chewed on me,
left me in pieces
to be bandaged and stitched
back together,

I will never be
a natural fit forever,

Parts of me are ugly
     and others misshapen,
Pieces put back in the wrong place
     forming the wrong shapes,

I'm not a natural fit for anything,
Nature has abandoned me
leaving me with this reflection
     of deformed wounds,

I would not want you to know the truth,
That is why I lie about my dreams to you,

I would rather have you believe
that I am your pure reflection
of love,
Instead
of this horrid, gnarled, deformed
imperfection of me,

Whatever I would have been
was spent
long before now,
No one will ever know me in the end
because I will not allow them.
-Armando Torres

Tuesday, December 14, 2021

Flakes of Snow







"Flakes of Snow"
Delicate white flakes of snow
silently fall outside the window,

My mind slowly begins
to leave sleep behind,
My eyes leisurely start to see
the morning light
pouring through the window blinds,

Just then,
     you wrap your arm around me
     softly pulling me in
     closer to your naked skin,

Our bodies
     entwined still
     from the night before
     holding the silky sensation
     craving for more,

Winter softly touches
the edges of the windows
as we hold each other close,

Our naked bodies
radiating heat
keeping the cold at bay
and you begin to kiss me,

Your gently moans
penetrate this winter silence
as my body and soul
become yours to own,

I hold on for as long as I can
until finally 
     I lose myself
     inside of you,

All that remains
in this silence of satisfaction
are
the delicate flakes of snow
falling gently outside the window.
-Armando Torres

Thursday, December 9, 2021

What You Left Behind







"What You Left Behind"
There's a part of me
that wants you to hurt,
wants you to miss me,
     for you to say sorry
and beg
and plead
for me to take you back
     but for me to calmly say no.

It's a dream however,
     because
     you're never coming back.
Instead,
     I'm left with
     lonely despair
trying with all I have
to not fold
underneath
the weight of silence

There's a part of me
that wants you to feel what I feel,
for you to find the mistakes
that were made
and realize
your life should be with me
but for me to have already
     moved on to another life.

It's a fantasy however,
     because
     you have already moved on.
I saw you
at the grocery.
     You introduced me to your new life.
I said hi,
and then parted ways.

You didn't even see
     the gaping hole 
     you left in my chest
     from our past.
Didn't notice
the swell of pain
behind my eyes
Or
the decaying rot
of my wound.
You saw none of it
as you smiled
and turned
and walked away
with your new life.
Without another thought
about
     what you left behind.
-Armando Torres

Tuesday, December 7, 2021

Feed on Me







"Feed on Me"
I care for you
too much
that
I wouldn't want you
to ruin your life
for me.

I'm not what you think.
I'm broken.
I've done things to be ashamed of,
     things to never be spoken of.
I've lied
and I've hurt people 
that I care about.
I'm not worth it.

You don't.  
Need me.

Go live your life without me.
You'll see 
it was the right decision.

Of course,
every inch of my being
will be screaming
"Don't Leave."
but I wouldn't let you know that.
Those are my demons trying to feed,
     instead,
          I'm going to open
          another bottle of Jack
and let them 
feed on me.
-Armando Torres

This Time of Year






"This Time of Year"
Amidst a crisp winter white
slowly falling from the sky
the soft crunch of snow
beneath my feet
always reminds me
that time has gone by,

This time of year always seems
to bring your memory,

A piece of my heart
left with you
when it ended,
     Its okay though
          I still remember you the way you were
          but that was a lifetime ago,

This winter snow however
always blurs the lines of what you were to me,
Feels like watching a movie remembering those memories,

I know that
Somewhere in this winter white
Our past still exists
but only like
     a snowflake,
fleeting in its beauty,
existing before our eyes
for mere moments
before
disappearing on the ground
among the million
other flakes of snow,
leaving behind 
only
their essence in memory.
Gone to time.
-Armando Torres

Sunday, December 5, 2021

drip.






"drip."
The sound of a delicate dripping
swims through the silence
of this
     motionless home.

Nothing moves anymore
except the shadows,
     drip.

Outside 
the sun rises
and moves across the sky
casting
and 
changing
     the shadows inside each room.
          The only movement that exists now.

As daylight softens
the shadows silently
grow
and 
stretch
     across the floor
     and up the walls.
           drip.
Filling the whole home
with darker shades of day,
until the night is in every corner.

Each day is the same.
Memories captured
     in picture frames
telling stories with no sound.
Only painful reminders
of how alone this time of year can be.
They aren't here anymore.
It's just hollow here and empty.
drip.

This place is just a cavern
of painful memories now
with
     no one left to remember them.
drip.

Its been weeks
and the world continues
to move outside.
No one ever came around before.
No one comes around now.

When it happened,
it was because 
it finally passed the threshold of hesitation,
      A certain kind of courage filled his veins,
      drip.
There was only purpose
in the peace that could be only found
by letting go.
drip.

Its been weeks
and no one has found him.
There has been no movement in this home.
No sounds of footsteps.
No laughter.

Long before the delicate drip had any meaning
he had a warm bath.
The water has turned cold since then
and his hand hangs motionless over the edge.

There's a peaceful silence that hangs heavy in the air.
A painful sorrow that overlays the cold water
that lay motionless and silent
Until the next drip.
-Armando Torres 

Thursday, December 2, 2021

I Don't Even Remember You






"I Don't Even Remember You"
I find the fire
this night
     a deceptive comfort.

The sting of the cold
attempts to creep in
     through my skin
but the warmth of the fire
keeps these
     icy demons at bay.

The shades of warm oranges
and
flickering yellows
     wash my face
     as I close my eyes
and
     I raise my chin
     to the sky.

I know
     what burns in the darkness.

I decided
long before now
     among
     the delicate sounds
          of piano notes
that I would burn it
     all down.

The soft warmth
has become a fiery sting
     on my skin
but I continue to watch
from a ways away
     as I let this fire
bring
     an end
          to everything.

I don't know
     if you were in there.

I just know
     that these flames
     have begun
to lick my face
     and this smile
has turned gnarled.

The world
begins to become
     silent
as the screams
     elegantly
turn into beautiful
     piano notes
so fondly remembered.

A melodic rhythm
     to fade away to.

I don't even remember you.
-Armando Torres

Tuesday, November 30, 2021

I Love You






"I Love You"
Lonely thoughts begin
     to fill his head
and he again
     starts
thinking
about
     the first time they met.

"Hi," she said with a bright smile he'll never forget.
"Hi," he replied, 
     "so what are you looking to get?"
          ...he worked concessions for the high school games.
"Can I get umm..."
     ...he couldn't pull his eyes away
          he felt the warm fuzzies as they say.
"a large coke and some popcorn."
"Sure thing," he replied
     as an unexplainable fondness was born.
"I think that's it," she said.
"Okay," he ended 
     as he glanced at her lips...cherry red.

He remembers
     them
making love in bed
     among the midnight hues,
"My heart is complete with you,"
     he told her,
She replied with
     "me too."

He couldn't concentrate
on the road
as the tears
     veneered
his eyes
     making it
hard to see
     the road
in this night drive.

All he could see
     in those tiny spaces of 
          ambient thought
     was her face.
It wasn't fair.
Why did it have to be this way?

"What's your family like?" he asked.
"Nothing I would brag about."
"Oh, why's that?"
"Just some stuff I wouldn't...just stuff needs to get sorted out."
"Oh, I'm sorry."
"Don't worry, you're alright. What's your family like?"
"They're pretty boring, but I love 'em.
     My sister is pretty big on collecting Star Wars things."
"I love that. Maybe I can get her a gift this Christmas?"
"She would love that."
"Maybe I could come with you for the holidays?" she asked.
"I would love that!"

He hated this.
     Things became not what they were.
Somewhere a fork happened
     and each led away from each other.

Just then another flash of light
     blinded him
pulling him back from memory.

His mind was a mess
but focusing on those
     sweet memories
helped him focus.

He loved her.
He hated thinking of 
     the reality of what happened.

"I want to tell you something,"
     he said barely above a whisper.
She looked into his eyes
     waiting for the words
          to leave his lips.
"I love you," he said.
She closed her eyes
     leaning in to kiss,
and as her lips caressed his,
she replied with,
     "I love you too."

There was nothing left to do
but drive these miles
to her.

His eyes glossed
     in salty pain,
     trying to find the road.
He just knows 
the only thing he ever knew
     that he still loves her.
And nothing would ever
     keep his heart
     the way she could.

He would regret it forever 
     if he never tried.

Here in his destruction
     He has nothing left to hide.
He reaches to the backseat
and cracks open another can
barely able to see the car lights
     in the night.
Feeling every thing he has ever felt
     at the same time,
          he loses himself
drifting into the oncoming lights.

I love you
     he finally tells the night sky.
-Armando Torres

Monday, November 29, 2021

You Were The Lie





"You Were The Lie"
You were the lie
     I allowed my heart
     to believe.

And Like an animal,
     you brutally tore it to shreds.
But like a human,
     you left the pieces there to rot.

Taking what you needed
and
Leaving the rest
like
A carcass to the vultures.

You left me vulnerable to them
     as the scavengers
     had their feast,
Picking me clean.

How could you leave me like this...
     you never even looked back
          as I reached out so desperately,
Slobbering on myself
          as I sobbed these painful tears,
     gasping for air
in between every agonizing breath,

You left,
     and
I stayed,
     feeling like only 
I cared.

I find myself now
     lonely
     in other's embraces,
          letting my body
          be used
          as I search desperately
          for the same thing we had.
Me and You.

How could you leave me so broken...
     so open to the sting of memory,
     so afraid of the lonely silence.

I barely recognize
myself now
     in the wake of this carnage.

I miss me more than I miss you.

You were
     in the end
     just another wolf
with much better ways to hide
     than I ever knew.
-Armando Torres

Sunday, November 28, 2021

Whatever You Are






"Whatever You Are"  
I'm scared  
you're watching me now  
there from the corner  
with dead and unmoving eyes,  

Just existing but not thinking,  
Looking but not waiting,  
Just standing there
in the corner  
Watching.  

Witnessing my every moment,  
Observing my every movement,  

It is perhaps  
the dark and dreary night  
this creeping fear exists  

But you spoke to me once,  
I remember it quite well,  
you said to me two words,  
To Hell,  

I never saw what you were,  
I just know  
you were there  
and I'm scared  
that you still are.  
Whatever you are.

Friday, November 26, 2021

Malevolence v2.






"Malevolence"  
In the darkness that lingers   
around us all   
there exists something  
that tempts us,  
chooses us,  
and crushes us,  
inside a paradox of sweetest things.  

It knows  
when you think of it  
and pounces its whole existence  
at once  
to where ever welcomes it.  

It sits in your room  
waiting patiently  
looming ever closer  
as your mind wanders towards it.  

Knowing the very moment  
to engulf your reality  
overwhelming your mind  
in horrors  
you never wanted to see.  

It grants you  
that all you know  
has some truth  
for that would be your proof  
to believe,  

Because in all that was misleading  
in its words  
there would be a base  
to fake its truth to you.  

As your strength falters  
nothing you knew  
would hold true  
when the temptations  
finally overwhelmed you.  

You would never know  
you gave in so long ago  
before this moment,  

A failure it knows all too well,  
And savors on the taste of it.   

Beginning again  
your own demise  
behind your tired eyes  
of a few moments before  
you so blindly gave away  
all that was of worth,  

Its words have burned  
through your soul  
tearing apart  
your mind  
leaving the shell of a person,  
lifeless and hollow.  

A person who will never understand  
all they wanted to know.  

A person in eternal damnation  
of their own making,  
burning in the fires of misery  

Never knowing the lies  
were the the only truths  
they realized.
-Armando Torres

Thursday, November 25, 2021

Ghostly Visage






"Ghostly Visage"
Silence hangs heavy
     in the room with me
     as the warm oranges of day
pour through the window,

Another night begins
to take shape
as the sun dips
below the horizon,

And another ghostly tour of memory
will appear
in every corner I look,

I see you there again
by the books
saying something 
I can no longer hear,
Smiling at me as you slowly disappear,

The darker hues of blues
begin
to crawl up 
along the walls,

As night creeps closer,
I see you there
in your favorite chair
flipping through old mail,

I try and step closer to you
but you fade away again,
   just then my eyes look toward
the doorway
as you stand there
looking happy
and you turn and walk away,

For a brief moment
I can feel the brush of your touch
on my hand again
but you are not here,
and you never will be again,

You're not dead
but I wish I was,
and that throws my spirit
into a fit of rage,
because you do not hold
that power over me,

However,
My essence knows
someone like you
will never happen again
for me,
But life for you
will be kinder,

The sharp sting of cold
has finally arrived with the night,
and I begin again
to drink to forget,

Life will not destroy me
with liquid destruction
Instead
I will forge ahead
hand in hand
with the night
knowing
one morning 
your ghostly visage
will no longer haunt me.
-Armando Torres

Tuesday, November 23, 2021

When it Ends






"When it Ends"
I woke up again
     thinking you were here,
But nothing remains
but these salty tears,

This was the end for real,
     never going to see you again in here,

I can however,
     still remember when
the thought of being with you
was without end

But like watching a beautiful sunset
and not wanting it to end,
We reveled in the happiness 
of the beauty of
the hues of purples and golden oranges
as they stretched 
across the sky
reflecting a glimmering splendor
over the horizon,

We wanted this moment
to last forever,
Our moment,
Our existence together,

But like a sunset
the darkness will end
the shimmering glow of the sun,
it will end the day for night

Forever leaving 
that moment
behind
to time,

Suddenly then
all this pain,
all this sorrow,
to have to feel alone
in the end,

There's nothing to do
but 
acknowledge
the darkness for the night it is
and shed my tears
in the safety
of its shroud,
so that I may see
the coming sunrise,

And perhaps
I will wake
not 
thinking you were here
but instead
watching a beautiful sunrise
as the day takes shape
before me,

And I find our memory
has taught me
and
not broken me,

That my memory
tells me to remember
that a whole life
exists
without you,

That a beautiful sunset
is yet to come again
and I can watch it
not having to fear any pain
or cry
when it ends.
-Armando Torres

Monday, November 22, 2021

Moonlight Shimmer






"Moonlight Shimmer"
I take a long steady breath
     hoping
I let fall from my eyes
another memory to its death,

Closing my eyes
     does not stop
this steady stream
of shimmering droplets
drenched in dreams
from my life.

Moments I remember
only for them to paint
     a picture
that does not exist,

I take another long breath
     hoping
another image
has left away from here
with its weight and meaning,

I open my eyes
covered
with watery droplets
shimmering below a ghostly light,

The haunting silence
holding steady 
among the night glow,

I slowly look up
through my window
and finally see
the moonlight shimmer
and realize
I am not alone,

I cry my tears toward the heavens
knowing there are others
looking up
at this same night sky
also watching
this magnificent moon
shimmering its glow
down upon
our salty droplets of sorrow,

And for an instant
these tears of mine
stop
knowing the moon
hides
the pain and sorrow 
we share with it
behind its ghostly beauty,

And for a night
I finally find peace
as my eyes slowly close to sleep
below this
moonlight shimmer.
-Armando Torres