I Will Not Allow Them...

"I Will Not Allow Them..."

I lie about my dreams,

about what I actually see,

What I tell you

is not what is true,

There are things about me

that have deformed me underneath,

Things that have broken me,

     gnarled and chewed on me,

left me in pieces

to be bandaged and stitched

back together,

I will never be

a natural fit forever,

Parts of me are ugly

     and others misshapen,

Pieces put back in the wrong place

     forming the wrong shapes,

I'm not a natural fit for anything,

Nature has abandoned me

leaving me with this reflection

     of deformed wounds,

I would not want you to know the truth,

That is why I lie about my dreams to you,

I would rather have you believe

that I am your pure reflection

of love,

Instead

of this horrid, gnarled, deformed

imperfection of me,

Whatever I would have been

was spent

long before now,

No one will ever know me in the end

because I will not allow them.

-Armando Torres

Flakes of Snow

"Flakes of Snow"

Delicate white flakes of snow

silently fall outside the window,

My mind slowly begins

to leave sleep behind,

My eyes leisurely start to see

the morning light

pouring through the window blinds,

Just then,

     you wrap your arm around me

     softly pulling me in

     closer to your naked skin,

Our bodies

     entwined still

     from the night before

     holding the silky sensation

     craving for more,

Winter softly touches

the edges of the windows

as we hold each other close,

Our naked bodies

radiating heat

keeping the cold at bay

and you begin to kiss me,

Your gently moans

penetrate this winter silence

as my body and soul

become yours to own,

I hold on for as long as I can

until finally 

     I lose myself

     inside of you,

All that remains

in this silence of satisfaction

are

the delicate flakes of snow

falling gently outside the window.

-Armando Torres

What You Left Behind

"What You Left Behind"

There's a part of me

that wants you to hurt,

wants you to miss me,

     for you to say sorry

and beg

and plead

for me to take you back

     but for me to calmly say no.

It's a dream however,

     because

     you're never coming back.

Instead,

     I'm left with

     lonely despair

trying with all I have

to not fold

underneath

the weight of silence

There's a part of me

that wants you to feel what I feel,

for you to find the mistakes

that were made

and realize

your life should be with me

but for me to have already

     moved on to another life.

It's a fantasy however,

     because

     you have already moved on.

I saw you

at the grocery.

     You introduced me to your new life.

I said hi,

and then parted ways.

You didn't even see

     the gaping hole 

     you left in my chest

     from our past.

Didn't notice

the swell of pain

behind my eyes

Or

the decaying rot

of my wound.

You saw none of it

as you smiled

and turned

and walked away

with your new life.

Without another thought

about

     what you left behind.

-Armando Torres

Feed on Me

"Feed on Me"

I care for you

too much

that

I wouldn't want you

to ruin your life

for me.

I'm not what you think.

I'm broken.

I've done things to be ashamed of,

     things to never be spoken of.

I've lied

and I've hurt people 

that I care about.

I'm not worth it.

You don't.  

Need me.

Go live your life without me.

You'll see 

it was the right decision.

Of course,

every inch of my being

will be screaming

"Don't Leave."

but I wouldn't let you know that.

Those are my demons trying to feed,

     instead,

          I'm going to open

          another bottle of Jack

and let them 

feed on me.

-Armando Torres

This Time of Year

"This Time of Year"

Amidst a crisp winter white

slowly falling from the sky

the soft crunch of snow

beneath my feet

always reminds me

that time has gone by,

This time of year always seems

to bring your memory,

A piece of my heart

left with you

when it ended,

     Its okay though

          I still remember you the way you were

          but that was a lifetime ago,

This winter snow however

always blurs the lines of what you were to me,

Feels like watching a movie remembering those memories,

I know that

Somewhere in this winter white

Our past still exists

but only like

     a snowflake,

fleeting in its beauty,

existing before our eyes

for mere moments

before

disappearing on the ground

among the million

other flakes of snow,

leaving behind 

only

their essence in memory.

Gone to time.

-Armando Torres

drip.

"drip."

The sound of a delicate dripping

swims through the silence

of this

     motionless home.

Nothing moves anymore

except the shadows,

     drip.

Outside 

the sun rises

and moves across the sky

casting

and 

changing

     the shadows inside each room.

          The only movement that exists now.

As daylight softens

the shadows silently

grow

and 

stretch

     across the floor

     and up the walls.

           drip.

Filling the whole home

with darker shades of day,

until the night is in every corner.

Each day is the same.

Memories captured

     in picture frames

telling stories with no sound.

Only painful reminders

of how alone this time of year can be.

They aren't here anymore.

It's just hollow here and empty.

drip.

This place is just a cavern

of painful memories now

with

     no one left to remember them.

drip.

Its been weeks

and the world continues

to move outside.

No one ever came around before.

No one comes around now.

When it happened,

it was because 

it finally passed the threshold of hesitation,

      A certain kind of courage filled his veins,

      drip.

There was only purpose

in the peace that could be only found

by letting go.

drip.

Its been weeks

and no one has found him.

There has been no movement in this home.

No sounds of footsteps.

No laughter.

Long before the delicate drip had any meaning

he had a warm bath.

The water has turned cold since then

and his hand hangs motionless over the edge.

There's a peaceful silence that hangs heavy in the air.

A painful sorrow that overlays the cold water

that lay motionless and silent

Until the next drip.

-Armando Torres 

I Don't Even Remember You

"I Don't Even Remember You"

I find the fire

this night

     a deceptive comfort.

The sting of the cold

attempts to creep in

     through my skin

but the warmth of the fire

keeps these

     icy demons at bay.

The shades of warm oranges

and

flickering yellows

     wash my face

     as I close my eyes

and

     I raise my chin

     to the sky.

I know

     what burns in the darkness.

I decided

long before now

     among

     the delicate sounds

          of piano notes

that I would burn it

     all down.

The soft warmth

has become a fiery sting

     on my skin

but I continue to watch

from a ways away

     as I let this fire

bring

     an end

          to everything.

I don't know

     if you were in there.

I just know

     that these flames

     have begun

to lick my face

     and this smile

has turned gnarled.

The world

begins to become

     silent

as the screams

     elegantly

turn into beautiful

     piano notes

so fondly remembered.

A melodic rhythm

     to fade away to.

I don't even remember you.

-Armando Torres

I Love You

"I Love You"

Lonely thoughts begin

     to fill his head

and he again

     starts

thinking

about

     the first time they met.

"Hi," she said with a bright smile he'll never forget.

"Hi," he replied, 

     "so what are you looking to get?"

          ...he worked concessions for the high school games.

"Can I get umm..."

     ...he couldn't pull his eyes away

          he felt the warm fuzzies as they say.

"a large coke and some popcorn."

"Sure thing," he replied

     as an unexplainable fondness was born.

"I think that's it," she said.

"Okay," he ended 

     as he glanced at her lips...cherry red.

He remembers

     them

making love in bed

     among the midnight hues,

"My heart is complete with you,"

     he told her,

She replied with

     "me too."

He couldn't concentrate

on the road

as the tears

     veneered

his eyes

     making it

hard to see

     the road

in this night drive.

All he could see

     in those tiny spaces of 

          ambient thought

     was her face.

It wasn't fair.

Why did it have to be this way?

"What's your family like?" he asked.

"Nothing I would brag about."

"Oh, why's that?"

"Just some stuff I wouldn't...just stuff needs to get sorted out."

"Oh, I'm sorry."

"Don't worry, you're alright. What's your family like?"

"They're pretty boring, but I love 'em.

     My sister is pretty big on collecting Star Wars things."

"I love that. Maybe I can get her a gift this Christmas?"

"She would love that."

"Maybe I could come with you for the holidays?" she asked.

"I would love that!"

He hated this.

     Things became not what they were.

Somewhere a fork happened

     and each led away from each other.

Just then another flash of light

     blinded him

pulling him back from memory.

His mind was a mess

but focusing on those

     sweet memories

helped him focus.

He loved her.

He hated thinking of 

     the reality of what happened.

"I want to tell you something,"

     he said barely above a whisper.

She looked into his eyes

     waiting for the words

          to leave his lips.

"I love you," he said.

She closed her eyes

     leaning in to kiss,

and as her lips caressed his,

she replied with,

     "I love you too."

There was nothing left to do

but drive these miles

to her.

His eyes glossed

     in salty pain,

     trying to find the road.

He just knows 

the only thing he ever knew

     that he still loves her.

And nothing would ever

     keep his heart

     the way she could.

He would regret it forever 

     if he never tried.

Here in his destruction

     He has nothing left to hide.

He reaches to the backseat

and cracks open another can

barely able to see the car lights

     in the night.

Feeling every thing he has ever felt

     at the same time,

          he loses himself

drifting into the oncoming lights.

I love you

     he finally tells the night sky.

-Armando Torres

You Were The Lie

"You Were The Lie"

You were the lie

     I allowed my heart

     to believe.

And Like an animal,

     you brutally tore it to shreds.

But like a human,

     you left the pieces there to rot.

Taking what you needed

and

Leaving the rest

like

A carcass to the vultures.

You left me vulnerable to them

     as the scavengers

     had their feast,

Picking me clean.

How could you leave me like this...

     you never even looked back

          as I reached out so desperately,

Slobbering on myself

          as I sobbed these painful tears,

     gasping for air

in between every agonizing breath,

You left,

     and

I stayed,

     feeling like only 

I cared.

I find myself now

     lonely

     in other's embraces,

          letting my body

          be used

          as I search desperately

          for the same thing we had.

Me and You.

How could you leave me so broken...

     so open to the sting of memory,

     so afraid of the lonely silence.

I barely recognize

myself now

     in the wake of this carnage.

I miss me more than I miss you.

You were

     in the end

     just another wolf

with much better ways to hide

     than I ever knew.

-Armando Torres

Whatever You Are

"Whatever You Are"  

I'm scared  

you're watching me now  

there from the corner  

with dead and unmoving eyes,  

Just existing but not thinking,  

Looking but not waiting,  

Just standing there

in the corner  

Watching.  

Witnessing my every moment,  

Observing my every movement,  

It is perhaps  

the dark and dreary night  

this creeping fear exists  

But you spoke to me once,  

I remember it quite well,  

you said to me two words,  

To Hell,  

I never saw what you were,  

I just know  

you were there  

and I'm scared  

that you still are.  

Whatever you are.

Malevolence v2.

"Malevolence"  

In the darkness that lingers   

around us all   

there exists something  

that tempts us,  

chooses us,  

and crushes us,  

inside a paradox of sweetest things.  

It knows  

when you think of it  

and pounces its whole existence  

at once  

to where ever welcomes it.  

It sits in your room  

waiting patiently  

looming ever closer  

as your mind wanders towards it.  

Knowing the very moment  

to engulf your reality  

overwhelming your mind  

in horrors  

you never wanted to see.  

It grants you  

that all you know  

has some truth  

for that would be your proof  

to believe,  

Because in all that was misleading  

in its words  

there would be a base  

to fake its truth to you.  

As your strength falters  

nothing you knew  

would hold true  

when the temptations  

finally overwhelmed you.  

You would never know  

you gave in so long ago  

before this moment,  

A failure it knows all too well,  

And savors on the taste of it.   

Beginning again  

your own demise  

behind your tired eyes  

of a few moments before  

you so blindly gave away  

all that was of worth,  

Its words have burned  

through your soul  

tearing apart  

your mind  

leaving the shell of a person,  

lifeless and hollow.  

A person who will never understand  

all they wanted to know.  

A person in eternal damnation  

of their own making,  

burning in the fires of misery  

Never knowing the lies  

were the the only truths  

they realized.

-Armando Torres

Ghostly Visage

"Ghostly Visage"

Silence hangs heavy

     in the room with me

     as the warm oranges of day

pour through the window,

Another night begins

to take shape

as the sun dips

below the horizon,

And another ghostly tour of memory

will appear

in every corner I look,

I see you there again

by the books

saying something 

I can no longer hear,

Smiling at me as you slowly disappear,

The darker hues of blues

begin

to crawl up 

along the walls,

As night creeps closer,

I see you there

in your favorite chair

flipping through old mail,

I try and step closer to you

but you fade away again,

   just then my eyes look toward

the doorway

as you stand there

looking happy

and you turn and walk away,

For a brief moment

I can feel the brush of your touch

on my hand again

but you are not here,

and you never will be again,

You're not dead

but I wish I was,

and that throws my spirit

into a fit of rage,

because you do not hold

that power over me,

However,

My essence knows

someone like you

will never happen again

for me,

But life for you

will be kinder,

The sharp sting of cold

has finally arrived with the night,

and I begin again

to drink to forget,

Life will not destroy me

with liquid destruction

Instead

I will forge ahead

hand in hand

with the night

knowing

one morning 

your ghostly visage

will no longer haunt me.

-Armando Torres

When it Ends

"When it Ends"

I woke up again

     thinking you were here,

But nothing remains

but these salty tears,

This was the end for real,

     never going to see you again in here,

I can however,

     still remember when

the thought of being with you

was without end

But like watching a beautiful sunset

and not wanting it to end,

We reveled in the happiness 

of the beauty of

the hues of purples and golden oranges

as they stretched 

across the sky

reflecting a glimmering splendor

over the horizon,

We wanted this moment

to last forever,

Our moment,

Our existence together,

But like a sunset

the darkness will end

the shimmering glow of the sun,

it will end the day for night

Forever leaving 

that moment

behind

to time,

Suddenly then

all this pain,

all this sorrow,

to have to feel alone

in the end,

There's nothing to do

but 

acknowledge

the darkness for the night it is

and shed my tears

in the safety

of its shroud,

so that I may see

the coming sunrise,

And perhaps

I will wake

not 

thinking you were here

but instead

watching a beautiful sunrise

as the day takes shape

before me,

And I find our memory

has taught me

and

not broken me,

That my memory

tells me to remember

that a whole life

exists

without you,

That a beautiful sunset

is yet to come again

and I can watch it

not having to fear any pain

or cry

when it ends.

-Armando Torres

Moonlight Shimmer

"Moonlight Shimmer"

I take a long steady breath

     hoping

I let fall from my eyes

another memory to its death,

Closing my eyes

     does not stop

this steady stream

of shimmering droplets

drenched in dreams

from my life.

Moments I remember

only for them to paint

     a picture

that does not exist,

I take another long breath

     hoping

another image

has left away from here

with its weight and meaning,

I open my eyes

covered

with watery droplets

shimmering below a ghostly light,

The haunting silence

holding steady 

among the night glow,

I slowly look up

through my window

and finally see

the moonlight shimmer

and realize

I am not alone,

I cry my tears toward the heavens

knowing there are others

looking up

at this same night sky

also watching

this magnificent moon

shimmering its glow

down upon

our salty droplets of sorrow,

And for an instant

these tears of mine

stop

knowing the moon

hides

the pain and sorrow 

we share with it

behind its ghostly beauty,

And for a night

I finally find peace

as my eyes slowly close to sleep

below this

moonlight shimmer.

-Armando Torres

Somewhere Beyond

"Somewhere beyond"
Somewhere beneath these stars 

I stand a man 

looking back 

through the black 

that exists 

in between the pale specks of light 

spattered throughout the night sky. 

Somewhere beyond my comprehension

exists a lonely point of pale light 

shining its whole existence 

into my eyes 

in a flickering moment 

of irrelevance. 

And somehow

I found that moment

among other infinite moments

in the cosmos

blinking without comprehending 

this light's entire existence.

And yet, 

I also found my memories 

that adds relevance 

to this moment 

under these dim points of flickering light. 

My chest fills 

with something now,

more than just cold night air 

and my eyes let fall, 

something more than just tears. 

And somewhere beneath these stars 

I stand a man 

shining back 

his lonely point of pale light.

-Armando Torres

empty tears

"empty tears"
There in the dismal glow 

of the television screen 

he finds himself crying again 

not because it hurts 

But because it's there again. 

He sits silently inside his chair 

lost inside his own mind 

as the tv spits its hues of

blues and greens onto his face. 

A bottle of Jack 

sits by his side 

as his arm hangs 

over the armrest 

and his fingers dangle 

but a mere space away. 

The ice in his glass 

has long since melted 

but he prefers his whiskey warm anyway 

when the pain 

has him so torn. 

His whiskey stained tears 

roll down his face 

as he searches 

for the logic of this darkness. 

Remnants of the day 

no longer linger 

on his walls 

but the wear of the night 

hangs low under his eyes. 

His lips have not tasted 

a sweet touch 

for so long 

but find the bittersweet company 

of a warm whiskey bottle every night. 

The thick smell of tears 

and whiskey 

and sweat 

hang heavy in his room 

as he sits inside 

his own stench of bitterness 

to question his darkness 

as it knows all of his pain. 

Drenched 

in his own depressing filth 

he grabs that empty glass again 

and pours his liquid destruction again 

not because it hurts 

but because that pain is there again.

-Armando Torres

Orb

"Orb"

There at the genesis of eternity,
An orb crashes upon the shores of creation, 

an orb of pure shape and pure color 

pulls away from the monotony of silvery whites 

to find its will and way.  

Forming from the whites and grays 

of its past 

splashing now among 

the swirls of curves 

     and lines 

of intersecting contradictions 

Perhaps 

tempting itself 

to seize a moment 

     from the sea 

          and form 

in its infancy, 

the ancient pillars of imagination 

and find the simple lines 

of all kinds of designs 

of beauty so entwined, 

Forming 

     the perfect 

          amalgamation 

               of creation and chaos 

all for our eyes to settle upon.  

Forever frozen this orb

perhaps 

somewhere 

along nature's design 

existing as a mastery of imagination.  

An orb dripping lines and swirls 

of silvery whites and grays 

creating only what our mind can paint.

 

It finally settles 

among the monotony of life 

and finds time 

has stopped and given memory 

to its piece of art.

-Armando Torres

I bore witness

"I bore witness"

There on that throne of skin and bone

I dared to look at that which I dared to see,

I bore witness and from the darkness

moaned a voice "It has come to this,"

And standing where my feet will stay

I looked upon that devil

as it turned and said to me,

bare witness to this,

And a horrifying beast marched out from the darkness

with pain and suffering in follow

forged in the fires of My misery,

And standing where my feet will stay 

I looked upon that beast

as it snarled and said to me,

bare witness to this,

And a man in hooded shadow came forth

draped in blood and intimate sorrow,

Plagued by the haunting memories of my thoughts

he rots and cries those tears of things not,

And there under that hood of blood and pain

I dared to look to which he cried to me,

bare witness to this,

And all those thoughts of mine of my life

were plagued with stains of lies

I wished were true,

And I cried those tears of things gone

forever forgetting

I bore witness to this

to exist to experience it all over again,

I looked upon that devil

broken and bare

forever forgetting 

I had caused all this.

-Armando Torres

The Dead Night

"The Dead Night"

There I sit

in the quiet darkness of it all

Wondering how it came to this;

Hearing the tiny chirps of the crickets

outside the window seal

      and the soft midnight breeze

brush against the leaves.

Nothing is left

But the calmness of the night;

the dead calm of it all.

The night sky sitting above

Watching,

     with its thousands of glittering eyes,

The things we do

     to satisfy those moments of urge.

There I sit in silent darkness

with my witness above and my eyes below;

there to sit

     to wonder how it came to this.

I sit with my head hung low

inside my chair

whose squeaks are the only other noise

to slice the dead silence of black,

the calmness of night;

I can finally feel the cold chill of darkness.

Drip dripping the cold blood on my hands;

trickling to the floor

staining a deep red;

Drip dripping this cold blood not of my own;

Drip dripping this silence of night off my hands.

I stare with my head hung low

by the window seal

at the dead calm of it all.

I sit in darkness

wondering how it came to this

but realize the silence of my answer.

Nothing is left

but the calmness of this night.

-Armando Torres

As He Forever Forgets v2

"As He Forever Forgets"

Gone are the days of happier times

as he slides

a freshly sharpened knife

up and down

along his veins,

He knows every motion brings him closer

to a place

where everything from the present will be gone

and

he can finally forget.

But as time drips past

only the ugly hollow remains of now

stains his face,

He had wished it would have been different,

to feel the world in a healthy way.

But time continues to slip way

taking with it

all reality and his pain,

As he slowly starts to forget

what it was

that brought him to this place.

The tender slices

along his arms

only remind him now

of a life worth living.

The salty tears of regret

linger at the edges of his eyes,

Spilling over only 

when he remembers

another lovely memory.

Gone are the days of happier times,

His life now has been stripped down

to only the little sounds of night

and

the silence of a bathroom floor,

Only the days of here and now

pierce his soul

as time slowly drips

from his wrists.

Soon it won't matter,

he will not exist.

He forgets what now feels like

as another tear slips away

at another lovely memory.

Gone are the days and only

a silent night

on a bathroom floor is left.

Gone are all the regrets,

Gone are the sunsets

and everything he felt,

As he strays further away

And he forever forgets.

-Armando Torres

My Faintest Image v2

"My Faintest Image"

There you are in my faintest image,

in the corner of my mind.

There you are smiling back at me

forever forgetting me

And that life

we were once supposed to have;

nothing more now

than just 

a ghostly collage of memories.

They haunt me so deep.

I fight back these sorrow filled tears

just to remember them,

All those moments,

gone to time

but still here in the present

to remind me that all I want to say is...

I miss you.

But I would be the only one to hear it.

Though...

there you stay

in my faintest image.

Missing you and your smile,

the touch of your lips against mine,

the comfort your arms around me brings.

I miss you I do but

I'll never say it.

Everything we had in that life

that existed between us 

has fallen

into dark water,

Sinking further with every passing moment.

Reaching for it 

I 

have fallen in too.

I look up and watch you 

as I drown away

into infinite darkness,

grabbing wildly upward,

desperate to be remembered.

I miss you I do, but,

I'll never say it.

Sinking further down still,

into the dark of infinite,

your picture exists

in my faintest image,

haunting me,

making me cry tears

underwater

mixing my existence inside irrelevance,

where reality will never see,

All that is left in the end

of proof I was ever really here,

are the haunting echoes 

of your sweet

"I love you's"

-Armando Torres

The Early Morning Mist

"The Early Morning Mist"

In the early morning mist

that lingers around us while we sleep

lies in wait

a beautiful sunrise

although however

not yet.

First, the dull blues and grays

drip away

from night to day

letting us see

the early

haze of dawn,

the gentle shade of waking day.

A world waiting inside

the softly blended grays.

We forget the gloom beauty

of this morning mist

And instead lay in wait

for the day to arrive,

not realizing

these delicate hues

of dull grays and blues

hold their own beauty.

Instead, we wait

for the warmth of purples and oranges

to rise over the horizon

to paint away

with it

the morning haze.

We never look back

to acknowledge the beauty before,

only look forward

to the sunrise.

Never realizing

the beauty of those silvery

purples and oranges

could not exist without

the contrast of the gentle splendor

of blended grays and blues and silvers.

It's there in those

lonely moments of morning,

that the brush strokes

of a beautiful sunrise

begin to be painted.

Where we begin

to shed memory of pain

for the promise of another day.

Letting go of our burdens of pain and sorrow.

Just for that single moment

of fresh air

among the oranges and golden yellows of sunrise.

To find the strength to smile again.

And the shaded mist of morning takes

all we are willing to give

so we can have that moment

and accepts it is not beautiful

like a sunrise

because of the pain it sheds for us.

However, it looks on through

its own shaded mists of gray

and knows

more than we can ever realize

how we are more beautiful

than a sunrise.

-Armando Torres

Water and Salt

"Water and Salt"

The minutes of now 

begin to flake away 

leaving behind 

only the seconds 

of the past 

to look at,

I feel it 

at the sides of my eyes,

a pressure trying to swell,

I want to cry 

but need to know why 

before these tears can fall,

while they just linger 

behind these stares of mine 

as I stretch my lips into smiles,

there will be a point 

some time in the future 

where I will walk 

among 

the echoes of memory 

in the same exact spots 

where I'm standing now 

when these tears will finally fall,

but for now 

I stare ahead blankly 

wondering why 

I can't cry 

even when all the pain 

is enough for this water and salt.

-Armando Torres