My Heart Bleeds

"My Heart Bleeds"

Seeping in 

from the edges of my perception

these dreams 

begin to tear

through my well-being,

   Ripping and shredding

      the delicate fabric

      I meticulously weaved 

to shroud me from the feelings

my heart no longer needs to feel,

These emotions bleed 

         through 

soaking the whole of the tapestry 

like blood to a towel,

         And I remain helpless;

Only able to grasp in thought 

their essence

but never really

detecting tangibly 

with any

of my other senses,

They're like ghosts existing on the periphery

of what I can comprehend 

and yet

still able to destroy 

the peace my heart seeks,

Only ever feeling them 

pour through me 

as they leave behind 

their echoes for me to reflect upon,

I stare at this tear 

sliding over the grooves 

   of my face,

wondering 

   from what ethereal plane

these elegant shimmering drips 

of sadness 

have been pulled from

to manifest 

   for the here and now,

They just delicately 

leave behind their salty stains

on my lips and cheeks,

A bittersweet taste 

to remind me

to question

if these emotions

ever existed in the first place,

Because 

these dreams are no memories

of mine 

   and yet shomehow 

   feel more real 

   than any memory 

   I have.

I wonder then,

   whose feelings 

   am I feeling 

because my heart bleeds 

out of necessity 

without ever

questioning why,

   and I feel

   everything.

-Armando Torres

No Destination

"No Destination"

Every day 

I disappear from the world a little more,

    sinking back and away 

    into a desolate landscape.

Nothing of worth

stretching in every way,

    My eyes gaze upon    

the barren reds and pulpy purples

that spread

across the sky 

in every direction.

I start walking 

hoping 

some sort of destination 

manifests out

from this oily suffocation of silence.

This journey 

takes me 

deeper and deeper

further away from here,

    leaving me only 

as an echo of who I was

to walk among you,

    A shell of sugar thin smiles and indifference,

The destitute feeling of feeling nothing

feels more and more

appealing 

than being bound by my senses,

I have come to love 

these barren reds and pulpy purples,

No longer hoping

for anywhere to be.

Just wanting to dissolve

into the collective energy

of nothing.

-Armando Torres

Only Knowing

"Only Knowing"

There are moments in my life

where what I see

and what I perceive 

are different,

     it's like seeing 

     the here and now

through a memory,

These feelings 

are the same

and yet

ever so strange,

Just different enough 

to know the difference,

Not quite 

what the moment is saying,

Feels like memory

peeking through,

Leaves one to question

     what is memory

     if not a simulation

          of reality anyway,

Like

The tip of a mountainous iceberg

on top of a summit 

that lies beneath the sea

drifting among the currents

of infinite oceans

around a planet

that is floating 

among

the waves of the cosmos

of swirling stars

and celestial bodies,

Just another sprinkle

among the trillions and trillions

of sparkling grains

glittering

their pale points of light

from just beyond our perception of time,

Inward infinitely

like moments in a dream,

falling from one reality to another,

forever,

never knowing where now is

or when where 

what we see is real,

Only knowing

what we feel;

     Is in the end,

what is reality.

-Armando Torres

I Wish I Knew...

"I Wish I Knew..." It's gone, all those days I just knew would never end. Gone...Goodbye... every time the day begins to end, remembering all over again, I remember because it's all still there just beneath my façade, it feels as if it never left. I wish we knew then how bad it would hurt because then love would likely be a game I would never have played. The taste of this bittersweet defeat lingers far longer than me never knowing. I would never know your kiss, never to feel the naked brush of your skin against mine. I would dine alone without your judgmental eyes, being glad I lived alone, I would sit on the couch by myself to watch television and laugh with the empty room, I would watch through my window as other couples passed never knowing that game they were playing, but always knowing deep down wishing really I knew what that felt like.

-Armando Torres

When The Good Started To Fade

I remember when

the good started to fade,

when your smiles became

less and less every day,

and the space

in between our words

grew so large

silence became

the only way

we communicated.

I still remember the yearning

in my heart 

to reconnect with you

while you were 

still around

and how 

for me

that eventually 

turned into 

deep internal tears.

We lived within a mold

we let grow

that stretched 

around the edges

of our connection

and let the natural decay

of our dying relationship

consume us

more each day.

We let the corrosive effects 

of resentment

kill the time we had left.

I took for granted the moments

we still had together.

Thinking naively that forever

was an option.

If I saw you today

I wouldn't even know what to say,

We became strangers so easily

that I wish too

our history would be

forgotten,

It's not that
I want to be with you anymore,

It's the lingering memory for me,

The remembering of

when the good started to fade,

And we did nothing

to save it.

-Armando Torres

Just For Us

"Just For Us"

There's something safe

inside nostagia,

something we all remember being,

     a stretch of time 

     where we still felt

     the whole of our lives 

     could still be filled 

with what we wanted to be,

Time has a way of being 

full of possibilities

and empty of them

at the same time,

Back when I was a kid

something I realize now

     is that everyday were full of

if's and when's and then's,

And now 

so many painful 

what if's ;

     So full of happy memories 

and what could have been's,

I remember when

     mornings on the weekends 

--first thing,

I would lift 

a cordless phone

because my mom loved them,

     dialing from memory 

     all my friends

trying to make plans for the day,

Nothing mattered 

as long as we each said 

we could hang, 

     Lazy sundays

with my sister 

waiting for my dad 

to start the barbeque, 

Oh, 

there's something safe 

in nostalgia 

and why

I still love going to the movie theater,

     Or enjoying a backyard barbeque

with my friends,

     Grabbing snacks 

and watching the same

shitty horror movie

again and again,

     Listening to the same songs 

over and over

until the last second 

just to repeat again

on a sony walkman,

There are moments in time 

we all have 

where we find 

what feels safe enough to open up 

--if only just for us.

-Armando Torres

Hint of an Image

"Hint of an Image"

Barely a silky trace

of a shape,

   I can almost see the glimmer

   in your eyes

        --whoever you are,

I can see just the faintest image.

How did you get here,

so far in,

deep

inside my mind,

in my most secret and private of places,

     Where did you come from,

There's something about you though

that has enchanted me

and I can't stop thinking about you,

     If only I knew that you knew

that I have you on my mind.

I find the traces of you

left behind, 

among the walls and hallways

of my mind,

just the hints of your essence,

I don't even know who you are

but some kind of percieved astral touch

has been imprinted on me

that makes it feel you aren't far,

The physical distance that exists

seems to be the illusion

we as corporeal beings 

understand for separation,

But something feels more mysterious

just beyond 

the edges of comprehension

     that tells me some kind of connection

can manifest without form,

     Outside of the physical,

on a plane without time and space

but instead,

with intertwining essences

creating connecions felt through energies

that,

with the right alignment

perhaps drip through

with wonderous droplets of emotion

that we can't fully understand,

     but can 

     only know the feeling,

And Can Only 

see 

the hint of an image.

-Armando Torres

The Demon in Me

"The Demon in Me" Can I keep it secret? Can I keep it hidden? Keep it on the fringes of my life... I forget to remind myself of the temptations that linger on the edges of depression, I walk around with my head hung down hoping I won't catch a glimpse of the demon that follows me in every reflection smiling its fiendish grin; waiting to be seen. I tell myself I don't want it, it's the lie I force myself to believe until I realize I can't find some deep sense of meaning, So I'd rather distract myself with iniquitous pleasures. Rather salivate on my sweet taste of melancholy, and relish my regret drenched insomnia, I'd rather lick the flavor than feel the pain. I remind myself of the temptations and the demons that lurk just beyond, right at the limits of my perception, I let myself be taken. It synchs its existence with my own and stands inside me smiling, with its eyes right behind mine. My hedonistic sins are where I find meaning. I want to feel everything and be within my lustful lies and feel you from the inside. This demon calls for nothing less. I remind myself of the temptations just to forget again. But if you look close enough in my eyes, you'll see where I end and the demon begins.

-Armando Torres

Erosion

"Erosion" My blood stained eyes hold weary the wear of the day and gaze out to the blur in between my face and the space my eyes are aimed, All the while line after line snorting obscurity straight to my brain hiding amongst despondency hoping the sounds of my muted screams reach somewhere beyond these constructs of mine, I've come to perceive that being and feeling alone is as dark and desperate as six feet below the ground, All that matters seems to fade leaving only irrelevance in the end, So I hang my head back and try to find the little slice of time again where even my pain eventually erodes away.

-Armando Torres

A Splay of Affection

"A Splay of Affection" A thick syrupy darkness fills my room leaving me able to glance into the void, to relive certain memories, it's a rare deep shade of gloom that allows my madness of a broken person to flicker with just enough life to know it's real, it's in my nature to carry the residue of moments of anguish, to let it define a portion of my life, whether by choice or by its damage. I always see the same door though, I blink and it appears right in the middle of the room. An innocuous looking door on its own but I can still hear the muffled moans and the soft movements of naked skin coming from within the other side. I wouldn't change a thing about what happened, it put me on a path I see necessary now. There isn't much left from that moment, just the occasional stabbing pain of anger and hatred, Nothing much more but a splay of affection.

-Armando Torres

Refraction of Memory

 

"Refraction of Memory"

I see it at the edges of my eyes sometimes, a ghostly shade floating gently from space to space, Perhaps it's an echo of an existence, And every time I look its way it dissipates into the reality it was surrounded by, just substantial enough like a silky mist dissolving into the air fading into the fabric of the invisible Questioning if it was ever really there, Does it see me? Is it sentient? Or somehow just a memory? My quick glimpses of this apparition happen when my mind seems to wander into remembrance and my eyes gloss over and fade out of focus, then somewhere it begins to manifest within the stillness of the room I'm in, A shade coming to form with elegant sways of movement right at the edge of perception full of some kind of feeling or echo of recollection. It moves just like you, feels just like you, but it can't be you. Then I catch a glimpse of another shape, moving in harmony with you, it fees like me, moves like me. But it can't be me. Then I realize as the swell of possibilities builds behind my eyes and the pain finally drips its absolution down my cheeks and through the contours of my humanity; it's an echo of us, A refraction of memory, Of what could have been us.

-Armando Torres

Never Even There.

"Never Even There."

As much as I am sorry for telling you those awful things, They're still true, I just regret having to be the one to tell you. You were at one time everything to me, the piece of me I never knew was missing. You were to me what I believed every choice I had ever made was meant for. But we weren't worth saving. You turned out to be a pivot point in my life, a fulcrum that allowed most of the negative things that would come to follow. Your crossing point in my life ends up being now so many regrets I have to swallow. You are not this missing piece of me, you were a mistake I made that led me to be taken advantage. You are now nothing to me, I don't care about the words you have to say. There's been nothing more powerful I have gained than indifference toward you. The importance you had has all but faded away leaving behind only hollow shapes of memory, times and places I remember being as your presence in them slowly fades into obscurity, leaving a different feeling almost like you were never even there. Never mentioned. Never remembered. Never. Even. There.

-Armando Torres

Morning Ritual

"Morning Ritual" My eyes slowly flicker open as the morning hues of soft light begin to streak across the sky, My morning ritual is set in motion as sun light pours through my bedroom windows, Just beyond the glass the blues and greens and the warm yellows stretch up and over the distant horizon, A roasted caramelly aroma of coffee gently glides into my senses, The majestic moonlight glow from the night before begins to give way for the golden radiance of the sun. The sky catches fire as its flames shoot upward spreading across the blue hues of the heavens, As the world rotates toward our celestial star, turning night into day, its golden rays begin to heat my face and I gently close my eyes and bask below its glimmering veil of orange embers and silky drips of sunshine. My eyes slowly open once again and with that my morning ritual ends.

-Armando Torres

Mending

"Mending" I've gone through most of my life trying to find value in myself through other people's filters, trying to be the solution in other people's riddles, The world just feels easier when I can look in the mirror with no tears and accept myself. There's parts of me I hate so much, parts I used to love, parts I thought defined me but ended up just weapons I used against myself. My ego won't be stripped away so easily, it'll claw and scrape and rip, roaring with angry survivalist's instincts, Scared beyond insecurity and surviving in my self destruction. I have to face the fact that I'm sorry to myself, for letting me believe all the wrong in me was what defined me. I need to find the sincere feeling so that when I say it in the mirror it means I won't ever do it again. I'm sorry.

-Armando Torres

A Mangled Mess

"A Mangled Mess"

My gnarled, mangled, mess of flesh is all that's left in the mirror. A coppery metallic taste of blood mixed with my liquor to wash away any regrets. What do I know about myself without some kind of destruction? I have to strip down, flay my skin, display my mangled face and stand broken and bare before I even catch a glimpse. Never had any good role models, Nor mentors, Never knew what I didn't know, Still don't. But I won't stand idly by watching my life pass me by though. I'll experience it even if it rips me open, twist and tears my mind and leaves me broken. I won't look back even if it means leaving me a mangled mess.

-Armando Torres

I don't Regret You

"I don't Regret You"

I still think about you

     -sometimes,

It's fascinating

how your memory 

isn't even an image anymore;

     but more like

     a ghostly, faint shape,

     far off in the distance,

          surviving on the smallest hints

of remembrance.

My mind won't let you die

and every so often 

you come up 

to the forefront 

of my memories

     with such terrifying vibrance

     reminding me

why I left.

I don't regret me leaving

     only that I invested so much.

I don't regret having to look 

     at an empty apartment,

I don't regret having to pack my things,

     pulling down pictures and leaving behind

          the ones that would bring memory,

I don't regret the evenings

     together on the couch,

          snug with our favorite blanket,

I don't regret our small moments

     or the nights we had

          where we bared our souls

     and we got to know

more

than anyone before,

more

intimately than anything 

     we had ever shared before.

I don't regret the pain 

     of having to move from our home,

     or living in the empty remains of a home ruined,

I regret only having invested so much

because 

somewhere 

my intent did not line up with my heart,

     And we both deserved better.

I hope you found the happiness

I could not find 

     to provide,

I knew then what I still know now...

I don't love you

but I also 

     Don't Regret You.

-Armando Torres

Everything Burns

"Everything Burns"

I...

...We feel so distant

     even though 

you... 

     are sitting right there

not a few feet away,

I can see you,

hear you,

almost touch you.

My tender skin

feels everything now 

beyond

just the physical touch,

     it's too much to endure

     most days

     to experience

     the textures of emotion

in every moment

     only to find sadness and anguish

sift through 

to form your day.

I don't think I can do this anymore,

I wish we could have had

     a more fulfilling role

in each other's lives

     but alas

we only 

     now have

rooms 

     full of susurrous sounds,

whispering doubts 

     and crowns of thorns.

At some point 

my skin 

turned

     so thin

it became diaphianous,

     and so came the demons,

     to claim 

     this silken sheer of skin,

translucent to anger and rage

so obvious to you

that it became your tool

to control all our interactions.

I became a puppet 

at the end of your strings,

     too scared to be vulnerable

     in front of you,

Never meant to find anything

beyond what was meant

by anything you said.

All those seconds, 

those minutes, 

those hours,

never feeling freedom

beyond the notion 

of what you allowed.

It's not that we feel distant

but more perhaps 

that we just don't agree on anything any longer,

     because how I feel now 

     is my tender skin 

     has been flayed and scarred.

I'll never be the same 

and I'm trying to find

the courage to be alone and away,

but life is a tricky thing,

It's scary to live life as it were,

     It's difficult to find the strength

because in the end,

it's simple...

when one realizes that,

Everything burns.

-Armando Torres

Staring at Me

"Staring at Me"

The night air chills my cheeks

as I pull a cigarette from a pack

I keep in my 

inside coat pocket.

I need to quit 

but tonight 

it's like a ritual

and this is my prophet.

The city is silent

and the streets 

are cold with moisture

so I need to suck in

my nicotine

before I join her.

I pull up my collar

as I walk the frigid night again,

     And think to myself that last time

     was going to be the end,

     that it wasn't going to happen again,

but here I am walking 

these streets one more time

along the same route

I've done 

     dozens of times before.

She calls and I come.

My body craves it

and I can't quit it.

The sex is too good.

But I know what this is,

If I have only one purpose

in this existence,

     it's not this

But I'll be damned

if I don't sell my soul

Every chance I get.

I fucking love it.

She melts through my flesh

and finds my essence

in its more basic forms,

My body is my Own

but she can command it

when I hand over control.

Knows everything about me

in its carnal shapes.

But beyond

the tangled mess

of flesh and sweat

she knows nothing about me.

I take it as a compliment

that she craves me as well,

but

I just know

I can't do this again,

it has to end,

but tonight I'll give in.

I suck in a final puff

from my cig

before throwing it on the ground

and stepping on it,

She's laying on the bed

staring at me

when I finally walk in.

-Armando Torres

What It Felt Like

"What It Felt Like"

I remember what that felt like,

     when the world felt

     infinitely huge

     and yet

     every corner of it

at any point

     felt within my reach

just whenever

     I decided to move for it.

Distant lands

passed the silky haze

laying over the distant mountains

existing

among the frothy clouds

hundreds of miles away.

A world of wonder

that

got me thinking

that perhaps

the things I read were true.

Dragons and orcs and wizards

existed

just beyond the horizon.

What it felt like

     to get fifty dollars

     for your birthday

     to do with it

     what you wanted.

To be in the yard

     drenching sprinkler wet

     but yet 

     it was actually

from a thunderstorm battle

among the gods

settling a dispute

of who should rule.

To go to bed

     with the world within your reach.

It's why

     I give my niece

a hundred dollars and gifts

on her birthday,

so she can tell me tales

of her adventures

and

I can remember what it felt like.

-Armand Torres

Is the Future Frozen?

Is the future frozen

     like the way we perceive the past?

Never to move 

     until

we reach it

and experience it?

Just another moment

     for us to pass

like a passing sign

on a road.

Our moments of you and I

     seem so far away now

that I barely even remember them.

I question even

     was I ever with you?

Or were they just more moments

     frozen to time?

Pretending to be a part of my life?

     When in reality

it was all just the illusion of movement,

     the facade of emotion...

Letting me believe

that we were really together,

     that we ever had a past

     Or a future at any moment in time.

I ask still,

     did our moments exist before now?

     Before then?

Is the future frozen for the sake of the present?

I wish with all my being

it's all moving.

I want to think

somewhere

we are together and happy.

Even if where I am at this moment

is alone.

I just know

somewhere

in these swirl of seconds,

the ever moving

thought

of you is with me

right this second.

-Armando Torres