I remember when...

"I remember when..."
I remember when you finally reached out again
after ten years,
and the nervousness that came with it.
At first there was apprehension to what it meant,
six months later
and I realized I've always loved you.

Our history runs long
allowing
for this connection to run deep.

We did try to keep each other away
but even then
that time spent apart
proved what we both knew,
that you loved me and I, you.

I remember the moment I kissed you
after ten years
of not hearing your voice,
I could now hear how excited you were
because you wanted my kiss.
A choice we both knew we wanted
and made
well before the moment
our lips came together again
for the first time in over a decade.

It wasn't long after
we realized all those feelings we tried to deny
were still alive and thriving.
And it won't be long now
when we know
spending the rest of our lives together
will be the only way
to say thank you to each other.
-Armando Torres

you win

"you win"
The first time I kissed you
I felt it in my soul
and I saw the history of our lives in a flash.
I closed my eyes not knowing then
what I know now
or what it meant,
only knew what I felt was real love,
but in actuality,
     it was something else,
          something more than just my idea of love,

I didn't know what love was then,
did not understand it.
I only had the feeling for it,
so therefore only knew
what it felt like
under confusion and apprehension,

I know now it was the beginning
of learning how intricate love really was,
how it is now,
and how there will ever only be a lucky few to ever experience it,

The complexities of love's interconnected network
throughout my soul and through my emotions
connect everything I could ever feel for you,
I understand now you are the love of my life,
forever then and now,
since way back when before either of us knew,
it is the way its always been,
I love you and you knew you loved me
way before I knew what love was.
So you win.
-Armando Torres

looking back

"looking back"
As much as I am ready to leave
there is a scary sadness
trying to creep in,
I feel it at the sides of my eyes,
a pressure trying to swell,
I want to cry
but need to know the answer to why
before these tears can fall,

For now,
they just linger behind these stares of mine
as I stretch my lips into smiles,
for all to see.

I suppose change is the reason why
and even though
whatever
this
future
holds
for me,
      is exciting,
I look back and see a history
that at one point felt like home.

There will be a point some time in the future
where I will walk among these sames spots
with the echoes of memory flooding through,
and finally these tears will fall.

But for now,
I'm caught
looking back before the time has passed.
-Armando Torres

memory

"memory"
In the wake of the rage and pain
I still stand here with the pieces
drowning in my shame,

wondering if it all ever happened,

the sounds of what was said
have long since passed
leaving nothing left
but the deafening harmonies of memory,

Alone now inside those old thoughts
swallowed by the silence,
the echoes of my rage does not fade
existing now as the ringing in my ears
leaving me inside memory to replay all of my regret,

I hate how it all happened,
nothing you did deserved this.

I carry this hurt in the wake of how it happened
and finally feel like I deserve this,
it all leaves its painful parts, forever etched,
staying always
tender to the touch,
leaving nothing more
but the empty sounds of memory.
-Armando Torres

what is love...

"what is love..."
Love is too complex to ever be any one thing,
it goes beyond understanding,
and lingers on the fringes of instinct,
it's here where love likes to hide its reasons.

There's some sort of mysticism in it that exists
once our minds become self aware of it,
no longer
easily accessible as the years pile on.

Hidden back behind emotional walls and early year traumas,
pushed so far into the furthest recesses of all our emotions,
we then question if love is even real,
never realizing love is what connects every emotion throughout
and without it
we do not feel them at all,
there is no sadness or happiness without love,
no anger, rage, or tranquility without it.

Love is the conduit through which we build ourselves,
it's never been just one thing,
it's as if our bodies were built for this exact experience,
becoming only attainable through self surrender,
once the life we live shows us things that builds our barriers.

But love is built into our instincts,
because it happens naturally
within every facet of our emotional complexity.
Only with time do we find ways to subvert it,
not noticing this goes against our very nature,
then becoming only a shell of a person.

So I talk to you now Yessenia,
this is all for you, everything I am,
I love you,
you are my life,
my love,
my instinct,
my nature,
I'm more a person with you in my life.
I love you Yessenia.
-Armando Torres

into place

"into place"
I can finally feel the pieces
healing
and it feels like a breath of fresh air.
There's a delicate kind of mending happening
that is pulling
these pieces back together and into place.

There was a significant amount of time
I spent living with these broken fragments
where I just accepted these tears
I cried at night.
Thought of ways I could die.
Looked for ways to numb the pain
and died
a thousand times in my head.

And
Somewhere along my flow of moments,
I forgot how it felt to not dread the day.

One can spend so much time lost in lonely thought
the world begins to feel so large,
and the space in between the pieces
too far,
to ever pull back into place,
too great to ever overcome,
they just slowly fade from memory
and drift beyond the ether
and into the void.
Leaving only a shell of a person
whom once had purpose.

Today,
I feel the mending.
I can feel the healing happening.
I can finally reach for the pieces
and hold them close
and hope to finally feel whole.
-Armando Torres