...still

"...still"
I can't believe I still miss you,
every now and again
when
the sun touches my face
and the wind
slides by
just the right way,
I feel your memory again.
-Armando Torres

untitled

"untitled"
perhaps its the time its been
that I feel this way.

Over a year from those pivotal moments
that left their stains on my soul in deep sapphire and violet,
and now however
I feel free from those chains and have finally moved on
to rediscover who I was
before the spiral of depression
that changed me and destroyed what we once were,

perhaps the regrets too will subside in time
or maybe they never will
but I know now
with a clear mind
who I was once
when our first moments took hold,

happiness again like then and smiling
even when some regrets still linger,

perhaps its the time.
-Armando Torres

Another night

"Another night"
Another night of beer,
of sitting here
away from myself, trying to pull relevance from
my day,
trying to find the guts to love,
to
go
on,
to talk
about that one time,
to linger at the edge of my glass
and to hide
behind this pint
to order another
and drink it fast
before I realize these stories of mine
are wearing thin,
I've gone and had too much again,
now I'm here by myself and one quick look
into the bathroom mirror and its all gone, its that sour smell again,
It's been another night,
and I find
I've gone and wasted another day.
-Armando Torres

There was a Time

"There was a Time"
I look down
and the ground disappears,
everything becomes a blur of color and sound
purely on the periphery of where my mind exists,
it's here
where I usually see you again,
as a thought,
an essence,
a boundless idea floating among the nostalgic waves of memory.

It's a late day in June
among the swaying trees,
the sting of the heat has softened
and the cool hues of every shade of blue and violet
have spread up and over the horizon,
the rhythmic pull of the ocean
pushes the glittering embers
of yellow and white over the surface of the water
toward the shores
disappearing in a flicker
against the sandy rocks.

There was a time
where I could see none of this,
A time
where your echoes
would be the only thing,
but now the ground fades to blur
and I find the softness of a cool summer breeze
brings me a smile.
-Armando Torres

Presence

"Presence"
There
     in the darkness
sits a shadow,

     a ghostly relic
          refusing to be forgotten,
it waits patiently
as the night hours
fall upon me,

It relishes on all
my
     sweetest kinds of miseries,

pressing its long pointy finger
     against my head
          it pulls out
all my many fears,

horror fills my face
and its toothy grin grows,

getting what it wants
     it crawls
          backward
     from whence it came
          and waits patiently
once again
     for another delicious drip
of this anguish,

exhausted
my terror turns to despair
and I quickly rest my eyes again,
falling back
into the dark void once more
where again it fills
     with my many agonies,

It
     knows this as well
and again
from the corner
I can hear the anticipation
in the giddy clicking of its toothy grin.
-Armando Torres

you were

"you were"
you were all the things
I thought
a person
could be to me,
you were at one time
the love of my life,
the piece of me
I never knew
was missing
until I found you,
I still catch glimpses
of our past,
those moments in the morning
we spent in bed
whispering
because our lips were so close
we could touch each other's,
all those lovely nights
spent on the couch
watching movies,
laughing together
learning life at the same time together,
you were to me
what I believed
every choice
I had ever made
was meant for,
I loved you,
we were happy
but that all changed
and you were no longer,
we were worth saving
but you saw me
as worth leaving,
I still miss you
but
you were as well,
you were.
-Armando Torres

empty moments

"empty moments"
there's a somberness that exists in the dark now,
an emptiness
that lingers on the shores of silence,
a gentle swaying of
melancholy
and
contemplation,
my mind
dangles doom
in these empty thoughts
as the slithery seconds
of every moment
slide over my skin
leaving me
no peace
in the blackness
behind my eyelids,
only
the swirling formless colors
that wash over
from the edges
in watery waves
and
as memory fades
I won't understand
this hole
I have
or
know when the pain
first came,
leaving only
solitude in the end,
its sad
to think
I'll never love you again
even when
I can barely remember you.
-Armando Torres

a hint of winter

"a hint of winter"
a cold gray
     lingers
          at the edges
     of everywhere I look,
a hint of winter
     hangs on the air,
bringing with it
     a crisp freshness
that courses through my lungs,

as my eyes close
the cool air
     floats by and
my thoughts find you
     again
as you swirl and form
     from the endless waves
          of blacks and grays
               in my mind
and I see you,
     only for a moment
before I open my eyes
     again
and forget
     again
what your face looked like,

a life once lived
     now gone
to the infinite dark of time,

I see winter creeping in from the North,
     there's a hint of memory
on the cool air,
          reminiscent flashes
of you
          I so long to believe
were true
     however
I never know now,
     only remember
just enough
     to feel the desolate pull
of what once was
     at the mercy of the wind
hoping for another glimpse.
-Armando Torres

Empty Spaces

"Empty Spaces"
I still see you in every moment,
     in empty spaces
          overlaid as memory,
all that remains are
     walls full of empty spots,

empty corners and doors,
          just echos of a past no longer,
there was a lifetime worth of things
     not said
     between us,

our purpose that once meant so much
     no longer means much
     of anything now,
          except as a ghostly relic of antiquity,
     just thoughts
     separated by time,
               a cesspool of lonesome questions,

I see you there,
     still,
     in front of the mirror
          fixing your hair,
and there on the couch
     leaning into me,
I hear you in my thoughts,
     as whispers
          slithering
     in from the edges of silence
     on the delicate tips of memory,
          bringing with it
               the icy chill of remembrance,
       only I remain now,

I feel solely the essence
     of your memory.
-Armando Torres

the creeping fear

"the creeping fear"
It's there all the time, the creeping fear,
     the hidden horrors deep within my own mind.
It is not the unknown I fear,
but the thoughts that creep in
from the depths of My darkness.

And With every moment I endure,
I exist
     alongside
     the agonizing thoughts
     of my own design.

Slowly sliding
further away.

It is ourselves I have found
we should fear
for we,
on our own
harbor the sweetest kinds of terrors.

And With time
My lies have become the truths
     I so desperately denied,
I shroud them over
this hideousness of my life,
losing the delicate honesty of fear to shadow.

I exist now only,
     as a moment
     folded into infinity,
     forever captured
     beyond the fabric of comprehension
     and only as a reflection of lies,
a moment,
     extending forever inward,
          as I forget
          I too am just
          one of the many reflections,
     multiplying
the miseries of an existence
     that perhaps may not exist at all
     inside a boundless and infinite abyss,
     void of any truths.
Just A relic of horror and antiquity,
     wrapped in nightmares
     and thrown into the fires of agony.
However
     there is an echo that remains,
     beyond perception.
A lie that I fear perhaps says
     I must endure.
A shadow that crawls as it watches, a hidden horror,
     salivating on my very torture,
     whispering the sweetest things from the deepest recesses
          of my mind,
          telling me I Must endure.
A shadow that crawls in from the edges
     bringing with it
     the torments of memory,
          clouding all
          that was
          once me and forging
     a lie of agonizing truths,
     peeling away
     a fabric of reality
I once saw as myself and replacing it with misery.
-Armando Torres

pray

"pray"
Awake again
in the middle of the night
with the soft glow of the television screen
spattered on her face, and nothing more,
She remembers again
as the silent night chill
creeps
into her small apartment again,
her eyes weary and open
are but
another reminder
of her dreary life, nothing more,
she holds on to the cold staleness of memory
only for them to exist as
more regrets
to rewind
over
for another countless time,
she searches for the strength
to keep hoping.
she prays.

Her tired eyes finally find
that slice of sleep she's been waiting for
and a familiar image waits in the darkness,
once more her eyes open,
she can't sleep,
she can only cry again,
she looks over to her tiny bed again
and she remembers
the way she felt
when she held her
in her arms,
the look of her tiny face and her tiny sounds,
her tiny mouth and little hands, her little smile and tiny breaths,
She can't move on
when all her being
is bound
by what happened,
hoping and praying
every night,
She did all she could
with all she had,
she prayed everyday
as she watched
her baby die,
she prayed everyday.
-Armando Torres

My Cosmic Ride

"My Cosmic Ride"
Something plays on the television screen
     but I'm not watching,
Its dull hues
of blue and green
are spat on my walls
     and the gentle daze of night
shrouds my eyes
as I see something else in the empty space
before me,

Somewhere beyond where my eyes
seem
     to linger
exists a memory,
a painted thought,
a sliver of a life remembered
through the brush strokes of melancholy
in glorious shades of black and gray,

I rise
     above the midnight clouds
bathed in moonlight,
forging forward and catching the passing wave
     to ride through the stars,
I hear

dogs howling in the distance
existing now
only through the endless cosmos.

There you are
     in my faintest image,
in the corner of my mind
riding this wave alongside with me,
reaching out with your fingers
over the scattered points of light
     like water,
I smile
     remembering those lovely mornings together
the nights we spent whispering stories to each other,
     all those lovely moments
existing now
     as lonely points of pale light
shining their whole existence into my eyes
     as flickering moments of irrelevance,
droplets of starlight peppering and piercing the deep black
and yet something more falls than just tears,

     It's here I feel the dark again,
the weight of reality
washing over me
and covering my every inch of existence,
     I fall ten million miles and crash back
at my television screen.
nothing is left
but the haunting echoes of my regrets,
nothing now but
     the faintest image of your smile.
-Armando Torres

Kairosclerosis

"Kairosclerosis"
Somewhere in this soft gray of night
     I can feel the soft caress of your kisses against my neck,
I take a moment to find your eyes
     and
     instead
     find all the things I've ever wanted to do,

Through the steady touches of your lips against mine
     a smooth icy chill slithers its way down my spine
and I slide softly in between your opened thighs,
          and all the moments I have ever had
stay frozen in place
     as time lets move
nothing more
except
     the moonlight glitters
of those beautiful eyes of yours,

     As I feel your hand softly slide up mine
I fall even more mesmerized
     with every intimate moment of you,

I can no longer ignore the desire,
     I'm too far in love with how it all feels
to ever look back,

     I want it all
I want
     the silky sensation of our naked bodies sliding against one another,
I want
     our deep, long breaths to be the only sounds as we slide back and forth,
       
to feel the inside of your arousal,
   
     I want it all
but
     I'm still only here staring into your eyes,
your beautiful eyes.
-Armando Torres

Pieces

"Pieces"
I lost you somewhere
     in between the fights and our lovely nights,
          somewhere beyond our first kiss,
but now nothing is left of what was us,
                         just single moments cut away to reminisce.
Just pieces.

All those nights we spent together
     talking for hours
          selling away the day
               for moments with each other.
Looking for the chances
     to touch your hand,
               Remembering the first time
your lips touched mine
                         and holding one another.
Gone.

the silence hangs heavy now that you're not here,

Suddenly now all this pain
     and I have no blame to give
because I tell myself I was worth leaving,
even if you said to me as much hurtful things as I did to you.

we fell apart,

It is here where the silvery veil of thought
     pulls back for me,
and memory seems to fall gently
with December's chill.
Touching ever so softly before melting away
     into oblivion,
only for another to come along and touch
     briefly
with another reminiscent flash
of a time long since passed.

I've thought a lot about these pieces.

I hold you dear I do, I miss you
     but now only realize it isn't you,
you left a long while ago, you are no longer here,
so time holds no solutions
when I can't figure out
how to go one day without you.

I hate how much you still mean to me.

I stand here alone trying to find myself again
     only to find the regrets,
hoping one day
I wake up and you are no longer in my thoughts,
hoping this pain would just end.
But every time I see your side of the bed
     I feel the hole again.

I don't know how to say I miss you
     because I've been told I'm not supposed to,
but how am I to fall out of love with you
          if I can't find a way to resent you.

These pieces belong to me
and those lovely mornings
          we had together
they belong to time now,
          just distant memories
          slowly forgotten
               but always felt.

Nothing is left now but the calmness of my nights
          and the somberness of day,
Nothing is left of what was us,
     just single moments cut away,
just pieces.
-Armando Torres

Ceiling Wrinkles

"Ceiling Wrinkles"
I stared at the ceiling
trying to make out sentences
through the endless wrinkles
but found only the monotonous words
willing to show,
in the swirling and shifting space
of my imagination
forming from the whites and hues of gray
I found the absolution of my existence.
What I thought the world was
just wasn't
but instead
is a mastery of creation
willing only to show
the reflections of my own memories.
I only saw what I've already seen,
     the thoughts
     only willing.
-Armando Torres

Skinny Love

"Skinny Love"
Oh my beautiful skinny love
     how I love you so,
          with you leaving me
     I find the memories of us
just so painful to play.

I couldn't hide the swell of tears
     when you looked at me
          as if
               to say...

I love you...

I told you to just hold on,
                    but watched helplessly
               as you tried to do
          what you could not,
     no matter how hard you tried.

but you couldn't,
   
     I wanted you to be around
for the summer days,
     for the cold winter to pass,
to see the sun wash away this somber gray
     that lingers in the air.

You tried,
     lying there in bed,
          wires all around,
beeps
     frequent
          and profound.

My skinny love
     you lost all your weight
and I hated to sit and wait
     for the day you left.

You looked at me
     with your sunken eyes
          and skinny cheeks
     to say I love you
once more
     but
          instead
     you ceased to move
and I watched as the life left your eyes,
     and silence filled the room.

          I told you to just hold on,
but you could not.
-Armando Torres

One leaf left

"One leaf left"

The last Autumn breath
     slides it's soft caress
          across my face
               as it gives way
                    for the hard cold of winter's chill.

On the gentle sways of silence
               a painful gray hangs heavy
          on the icy air,
     And the trees are barren of all their leaves
except for one.

               I see this one leaf left.

My eyes gloss over
     as they hold still
on the delicate fluttering
               Of this single leaf,
at the edge of it's absolution,
                    clinging beyond the inevitable.

     This leaf,

holds and sways
     in defiance of winter's breeze,
and as winter waits
          behind a shimmering veil
of dancing light,
               my eyes cling to this single leaf.

I fight
     the swell of time
          that has begun to drip
     to the very end of my lashes,
to see this one leaf left.

A sharp cool wind
     swims in past the empty branches
          toward this last leaf.

Fluttering
     And
Flipping,
   
     Its stem is ripped away
          From it's home.
                                   My eyes shoot upward
                with this leaf,
                                   watching it dance
          across the sky
                    And as I do
         My tears finally
Begin to fall.

-Armando Torres