I Will Destroy You

"I Will Destroy You"

There's a rage brewing in me.

I'm so sensitive

that I will hurt you back and stab

with deadly precision

so you couldn't be able 

to fake the pain

to attack back.

You would instead

have to defend yourself

from things that hurt for real

because that hurt is so deep,

     making you think

     about your own self worth

first

before trying to attack my insecurities.

I will destroy you

before you ever got close

to what makes me tick.

     I would have figured you out

     the moment you started to get to know me,

     I will never feel your hurt.

That self preservation

has left me alone.

I never get close.

Never allowed my heart to open up.

Never built a life or legacy.

Just tried to save myself from bullies.

I just worried about

not letting someone else

hurt my psyche.

But in my twilight years of life

realize now

I only let them win 

by developing

these thick skins

and defense mechanisms.

     I only let

     my own hurt

     leave a lonely

     soul dying

hoping

someone

would come visit me.

But I left nothing behind

and hurt everyone

I ever knew

because

     Not Hurting

was the only thing

that mattered.

So dying alone

in silence

is how that life

that started with such reverence

and screaming

and crying

as a baby

will end.

I'm sorry mom.

I'm sorry dad.

You're gone

and I will be too,

very...

     ...soon.

-Armando Torres

Oh God, Why

"Oh God, Why"

On a midnight stretch of time

sleep seems to escape me.

So, I reach for another drink

but find my glass empty.

I lumber toward the kitchen

but before I do

I have to take another piss,

and as the light illuminates my eyes

I see my gnarled reflection in the mirror.

A tired and battered face,

unshaven with deep, dark, sunken eyes.

The mirror grows lips and whispers

     come here.

    Look at you, just pathetic,

    How can you let yourself live?

    There's nothing waiting for you tomorrow,

    There's nothing for you here today.

Fuck you! I'm not listening to what you say.

I'm okay.

I got this.

You're not real.

    Oh, I'm real all right.

    As real as your pathetic face.

    Look, there, in the kitchen,

    Just go have another drink,

    I know you want one.

    It'll be okay,    

    Just think about how tomorrow will come again

    and you'll feel like shit again,

    but at least it's not the end right?

    Remember where we put the gun,

    in the drawer

    next to the bed,

    Remember, we did it, together.

    It's still loaded.

Shut Up!!

I'm not listening to you,

Whatever the fuck you are.

You're not real.

You just can't be.

You're just in my head.

That's right, I just have to get a grip.

I'm just gonna...go have 'nother drink.

Then I can sleep

and forget about all this,

about tonight.

Tomorrow will be better.

    Hahaha! Yes, tomorrow will be here again.

    And I will come with it.

    You think you can drown me out?

    I'm with you until the end,

    So go ahead,

    Have another drink again,

    I'm not going anywhere.

    It's inevitable

    Because you have already made the choice.

    I've seen it happen.

    I'm just here to watch it again.

    Maybe I can even pull the trigger this time.

ShutupShutup!!

I can't listen.

Why is this happening?

    You know why.

Yesss...I do. Oh God.

    Then stop hiding

    behind ignorance

    and fucking drink another drink already

    and get it done.

Oh God.  Why is this happening?

    Just do it. 

    Don't question it.

    Everything has already been decided.

    You just need to follow it.

Okay....

okay.

Just shut up for a quick second

so i can take this drink.

    Good.

    ...good.

All right. 

Lets do this.

Where is she?

    In the bedroom

    Where you left her.

That's right.

    Yes.

    All tied up.

Nowhere to go baby.

    Time to do it.

Yes.

To do it again.

    Yes. Do it.

There's always another one in the end.

    Do it!!

-Armando Torres

Memories Again

"Memories Again"

I blocked you out

for so long

I forgot how you felt

in my memories,

I forgot about those years you affected me,

I even forgot what you looked like,

I, however,

Did not Realize

I also blocked out parts of myself

in the process,

In trying to rebuild and rediscover

myself 

I found parts I still had

about my past

that are detrimental

to who I am

and your memory

was still there,

You came flooding back.

Time seems to be an illusion

in moments like that,

The space between then and now

feels as real as

Holding emotion

in my hand.

There's no difference

in between

the sliver of touch

and what my heart

tells me is real.

I'm a slave

to something my soul

has determined

to be profound to me

even if I Don't Agree.

The only way I will find

who I am again,

and become who I will be

is by finding

these memories again,

as painful as they may be.

-Armando Torres

Here for the Ride

"Here for the Ride"

The flickering flame

     of candle light

     dances over my face

     as I contemplate every regret

     my life has ever made.

Not me! mind you.

I'm only a vessel

for experience.

I'm not responsible for the choices 

that are made by this life,

for every decision already exists.

I'm just here for the ride.

Just to feel every emotion

this life has experienced.

To make it real

among the cosmos,

just so it has a witness

so it can justify its existence.

Don't ask me anything!

I don't know a Damn Thing!

I'm just here for the experience.

Now let me sulk inside a dark room

to watch a candle flicker

before my eyes

contemplating suicide

as I down another glass of Jack.

-Armando Torres

I Know Better

"I Know Better"

I see people everywhere

that are not there,

They exist

at the edges of my perception

where the safety of reality

and all things knowable

fray.

They say

it's all in my head

that it's not real.

     But I know better,

They would have me believe

their narrative instead,

that I am one of them.

     But I know better,

That somehow

my life is uniquely mine

but not at all uncommon,

     not different enough to be different

     and not safe enough to be innocent.

These people I see 

that are right in front of me

seem more far away and unreal

     than the shadow people from my dreams

because I know better.

-Armando Torres

In This Moment

"In This Moment"

It is perhaps

     this dark and dreary night

that I'm sitting here again

reaching this whiskey's end.

I erase my mind

of you 

every time

     I take another drink.

I don't want to feel you anymore.

     I don't want to have to think.

I want to feel another night

     without the presence of your memory.

I want  to be able to dream

     without you finding me.

To navigate through the frothy clouds

to some emerald gate.

To find my way 

     through the shimmering points of pale light

     scattered across the night sky.

To fly among them

and touch them

     like fingers to a flowing river.

To crash through one moment

to find another on the other side

     without ever fearing your memory

will find me.

Somewhere among

the textures of time and memory

I sit waiting

existing already

with you as only something

I left behind.

However,

I'm still here

with the earliest memories of it

and only the empty sensation

of what feels real from it

all left just for me

     in this moment.

-Armando Torres