my life

"my life"
this life I have
has had no joy
in such a long time,

I barely remember how I was
Or
who that person is...
     ...In that foggy dream
I have had
from a time
that feels so long since passed,

Everything that person was
Seems like something I made up,
Someone that was never really here,
I feel so lost,
I hate the life that I have,
these choices I have made,
Nothing about this reality adds up
To anything for me.

I feel I exist just for the pain I feel,
just to fail again and again,

then to wait for the anguish
of another day
just to fail at the end.
-Armando Torres

every moment...

"every moment..."

Every moment of every day

     is a struggle,

I feel only the dreadful pit

every great poet before me has ever described,

The saddest part of my life

     is that

the happiest I ever was

would be in moments I was completely alone,

I am slowly learning

     that Other people

are not worth these suicidal thoughts,

That society doesn't even really need to exist,

That people...

and me included,

should just vanish

and be excluded from fucking reality,

all together.

This experiment of emotions and joy and pain

has failed me

and I want to turn in 

my ticket and not exist.

-Armando Torres

lost soul

"lost soul"
I think about my death often now,
I tell myself
To hold on,
That these are just thoughts,
I feel it near though,
Like the Grim Reaper himself
is watching from the corner,
waiting to take my hand,
wanting to be the first
to greet me
and show me this other land,
     of lost souls,
Feeling no remorse for watching me die,
Or
Sympathy for the regret I feel,
He would guide me
to my everlasting pain,
I would eventually forget your face,
I would never know where this pain
first came from,
Only know that it is my existence.
-Armando Torres

sense of peace

"sense of peace"
I reach to wipe the sleep from my eyes
and realize
that life with no meaning
isn't really worth living,
whats the point of waking up every morning
with no joy or hope,

the swell of tears begin
to brim again
behind my eyes
and I think,
today is as good as any,
I'm just a blip in time in the end,
no more important than the next moment,

there's some sense of peace
I feel
knowing all these emotions
would vanish,
a feeling of relief
like a sigh of fresh air,

I know what people would say to me
if they knew how I felt
but there's no one
and finding value
in someone else's eyes
holds no value for me,
I need to find value
in myself
and that
is no longer something I need,

I'm tired of feeling like this
and my eyes
need peace,
it would be worth the few tears
a few of them would shed
but again,
it would only be for a blip in time in the end,
just a moment,
a thought easily forgotten,
a memory not worth remembering,
even if it held some genuine pain,
in the end however,
no one would choose to remember,
an easy choice to make
to avoid any kind of pain.
With time everything passes and fades away.
-Armando Torres

This is How I say Goodbye

"This is How I say Goodbye"
There's shame in who I am,
I truly don't believe I should be alive,
The essence of...
     Who....
          am I?
     To me...
really feels like a burden
to anyone who allows me in their life,

My insecurities
have dictated my worth
in my own head,
and
I've been told
I don't feel anything beyond selfishness,

I am convinced I am not worth it,

I can see the knife in the drawer but I won't take it,
I stare at the Draino but I won't drink it,
because
     when I do it,
I want it to kill me.
Not leave me alive.
There can be no attempts at attention,
     no waking up in shame
          in a bed
               clinging to life
                    having to explain.

I want to Not exist anymore,
      to never have been a part of this world,
I want to Not have worth in anyone's life,
I want to Not think about my own life,
I want to Not have to try anymore,

I look around and realize
I'm a coward for wanting this,
     for not thinking of outside of my own selfishness,
For not having the courage to try,
I've lost my way
and the empty space between me and the wall
seems a good place as any to lose myself,

Sometimes I pray to God...
but not to bring me good fortune or health or to be thankful,
     I pray to God to end my life,
          perhaps in an accident,
like my car going off a cliff
or
a lighting bolt tearing my soul into pieces,
because I'm a coward to live
and
a coward to die,
I feel too much
and I don't want to feel anything anymore.
This is how I say goodbye.
By staying alive and selling my soul.
-Armando Torres

my shroud

"my shroud"
there's a darkness that follows me,
its as if though it flows with me,
     like a cape attached at the neck,
          with all its glory
               draped over my face
but worn as anguish,

it hangs heaviest
when happiness
seems to linger in the air,

never allowing the breeze to touch it
as it wraps itself around me,
     cloaking me in despair,

its intentions and desires are all I feel
     and I fear
once it no longer finds my misery flavorful
it will abandon me,
knowing it took everything it could from me,
leaving me shattered and naked,
doing all the hurt it could do,
leaving behind an empty soul
that never again will be able to feel anything,
nor remember a time beyond this emptiness,

left to dwindle away into the vast blankness
to become a shroud of my own,
to feed on the anguish of others
so that I may once remember
what it felt to feel anything.
-Armando Torres

heavy hours

"heavy hours"
From the end of another dreary day,
I stare from the precipice
into another sleepless night,

Slowly the heavy hours
burn my eyes red,

the salty sting on the edges
reminds I have been awake
for a very long time.

I realize once again
that I will find no rest tonight,

My mind wanders through
the maze of thoughts
of gloomy designs
Searching for
that one dream
that would put my mind
at ease
and let me sleep,
But
it is never found
for this tortured heart of mine
because it does not exist,

Instead, the dread of the another day
is all that remains in the end,
seeping in from the edges
tainting my thoughts
and leaving a shell
hollowed out
of all the he was.
-Armando Torres

never hidden

"never hidden"
I hear the whispers at night sometimes,
when silence fills all the ambient air
and darkness drapes low over the walls,
its there
in that horrifying stillness
where the murmurs reach out
from some unholy place and find me.
-Armando Torres

broken bare

"broken bare"

My misery feels as if it has always been here,
There's memory now 

lingering on the air, 

a longing 

for a joyous time that is no longer,

My sorrow hangs low on my face
Sinking my eyes into their holes

and sagging my age over my skin, 

I look tired because i am tired,

My mind slowly declines into despair 

as the ache of my life hits suddenly and often,

I haven't seen a day 

without the twinge of gray everywhere 

in such a long time,

My misery hides behind these joyous eyes,
Behind outstretched smiles,
Behind my lies of happiness,

I no longer want to say anything or let my inner self out 

because i feel i will further 

be deconstructed,

I have been stripped down and broken bare,
I am only a shell of what i was,
I hold on to what precious little i have of myself in secret,
Away from all the things that would have what is left erased 

for their own personal gain,
To bend and break me to their will 

until i am no longer me 

but instead who they think i am and should be.

-Armando Torres