Things i think i lost

"Things i think i lost"

I think I must have lost 

my honesty 

somewhere on the wind

after I told you how I felt;

   I do know I dropped 

   my courage 

   somewhere beside the road

   when I said 

   I could be that person for you;

I thought I had gained 

more than I was giving up

but I ended up leaving behind

so many things 

not knowing I was changing 

and never should have given up 

all those things 

I wish I could have back;

You were my deconstruction;

pieces of myself started to fall off like 

some kind of

old machine still churning 

and shaking

for a purpose no longer important;

My sincerity was snatched away 

in the heat of the summer

by your devilish whisperings 

telling me I was wrong;

swiftly gliding in and grabbing it away 

with your pointy fingers

and explaining to me my own feelings;

I know my optimism was stolen 

by the dreary cold of winter, 

blowing its chill on my neck 

as I spent 

all those dark hours alone in bed;

It was my fault though

my kindness was left forgotten 

in some corner 

of some random room 

long ago, 

I know you didn't care

but I did try anyway;

I was lonely, 

and I thought you were where

my life was supposed to be;

instead,

ended up 

leaving more things 

I now continue to try 

to live without;

You were the end 

of so many things about me

that I still lament;

if I could go back 

and retrace my steps

and reclaim the things I lost

I would 

without hesistation;

Though you were my deconstruction

I have found 

it did not stop

once you took enough pieces;

they continue to fall away 

like an old structure

missing its foundation;

Trying to find me again

I left behind my confidence 

below the white pine 

on the bench I used to visit, 

I lost my intellect at some bar 

in some glass 

I was drinking from, 

my imagination vanished 

when I set it down 

on the corner of 1st and walker, 

it must have been stolen 

or taken 

by mistake 

or I may have given it away; 

I can't seem to find my compassion 

or my memory anymore 

so I must have lost those 

at some point as well 

or maybe they are still packed away 

in one of my many boxes 

in the closet 

perhaps forgetting 

that I have some things 

still hidden 

because I don't really have a place 

to start unpacking all these things; 

I feel like a bare bones 

version of myself, 

barely having anything 

of worth left;

Just a fleshy package 

of meat and emotion

taking another breath.

-Armando Torres