only accessed through recollection

"only accessed through recollection"

I watch my memory 

dissolve into time

fading away 

as a velvety mist 

of feelings and burdens

leaving behind 

barely a trace 

they were ever 

even there,

Like my icy breath

sliding out over my lips

fading

into the winter air

going from 

elegant icy lines 

to blending in to a silky haze,

   memories slowly eroding away 

   into almost nothing

   under the constant grind 

of denial and trauma and regret;

We are only 

ever so lucky 

to feel the grooves and textures

of what beautiful memories felt like 

only a few times;

   And never lucky enough 

   to get a detailed glimpse 

   of what the memory was

to begin with;

Formlessly existing somewhere 

among the blackness of thought

as we breath in time

and exhale memory

   eventually

   losing any evidence 

   that those memories

were ever even real.

-Armando Torres

voracious appetite

"voracious appetite"

I'm getting eaten alive 

by my emotions,

   they're cleaning me down 

   to the bone,

chewing through the gristle, 

   ripping apart my tendons,

tearing my meat from bone;

   a pack of hungry hyenas 

   gorging as they splay me open

   with me foolishly 

trying to scoop back in 

   everything crimson 

that is spilling out

from within;

My screams muffled down 

by their primal,

gutteral growls of feasting

silently kept 

behind my closed lips;

I'm left as a walking cadaver 

   in moments 

   they have had their fill

with large chunks 

   of body 

missing,

stiffly lumbering along 

trying to get inside 

before their next meal 

begins;

before 

I get pulled and yanked 

from one side to the other 

by my flesh

in their ravenous jaws,

It all, sadly 

keeps growing back however 

just for it all 

to never satiate 

their rapacious hunger.

-Armando Torres

Things i think i lost (version 2)

"Things i think i lost"

I think I must have lost 

my honesty 

somewhere on the wind

after I told you how I felt;

   I know I dropped 

   my courage 

   somewhere beside the road

   when I said 

   I could be that person for you;

I thought I had gained 

more than I was giving up

but ended up leaving behind

so many things 

not knowing I was changing;

   realizing now

   I never should have given away 

so easily

   all those things 

I wish I could have back;

You were my deconstruction.

   Pieces of myself started 

   to shake loose and fall off like 

   some kind of

   old machine still churning 

   and shaking

   for a purpose no longer important;

Trying to find myself again

I left behind 

my confidence 

below the white pine 

on the bench 

I used to visit

when sadness had me suffocating;

I lost my intellect 

at some bar 

in some glass 

I was drinking from, 

   my imagination vanished 

   when I set it down 

   on the corner of fifth, 

it must have been stolen 

or taken 

by mistake 

or I may have given it away; 

My optimism was pulled from me 

by the dreary cold of winter, 

gracefully touching its chill 

on my neck 

as I spent 

all those dark hours 

alone in bed;

Though

they continue to fall away 

like an old structure

missing its foundation

barely staying upright 

as time rots it 

away

around the edges and from within;

I stand upright 

still not broken 

missing pieces

though maybe only a little bent

but still not broken.

-Armando Torres

Things i think i lost

"Things i think i lost"

I think I must have lost 

my honesty 

somewhere on the wind

after I told you how I felt;

   I do know I dropped 

   my courage 

   somewhere beside the road

   when I said 

   I could be that person for you;

I thought I had gained 

more than I was giving up

but I ended up leaving behind

so many things 

not knowing I was changing 

and never should have given up 

all those things 

I wish I could have back;

You were my deconstruction;

pieces of myself started to fall off like 

some kind of

old machine still churning 

and shaking

for a purpose no longer important;

My sincerity was snatched away 

in the heat of the summer

by your devilish whisperings 

telling me I was wrong;

swiftly gliding in and grabbing it away 

with your pointy fingers

and explaining to me my own feelings;

I know my optimism was stolen 

by the dreary cold of winter, 

blowing its chill on my neck 

as I spent 

all those dark hours alone in bed;

It was my fault though

my kindness was left forgotten 

in some corner 

of some random room 

long ago, 

I know you didn't care

but I did try anyway;

I was lonely, 

and I thought you were where

my life was supposed to be;

instead,

ended up 

leaving more things 

I now continue to try 

to live without;

You were the end 

of so many things about me

that I still lament;

if I could go back 

and retrace my steps

and reclaim the things I lost

I would 

without hesistation;

Though you were my deconstruction

I have found 

it did not stop

once you took enough pieces;

they continue to fall away 

like an old structure

missing its foundation;

Trying to find me again

I left behind my confidence 

below the white pine 

on the bench I used to visit, 

I lost my intellect at some bar 

in some glass 

I was drinking from, 

my imagination vanished 

when I set it down 

on the corner of 1st and walker, 

it must have been stolen 

or taken 

by mistake 

or I may have given it away; 

I can't seem to find my compassion 

or my memory anymore 

so I must have lost those 

at some point as well 

or maybe they are still packed away 

in one of my many boxes 

in the closet 

perhaps forgetting 

that I have some things 

still hidden 

because I don't really have a place 

to start unpacking all these things; 

I feel like a bare bones 

version of myself, 

barely having anything 

of worth left;

Just a fleshy package 

of meat and emotion

taking another breath.

-Armando Torres

Ouroboros

"Ouroboros"

A beam of light 

flying across the cosmos 

carrying its whole history 

at the very percipice of its radiance

from some place

so irrationally far away;

A history already 

   written, 

   unchanging, 

flying toward the iris 

of this world 

though, no longer holding 

any of the details 

it began its journey with 

   other than 

   its flickering glimmer 

just so that 

we may look up at it 

in the night sky 

and witness its whole history 

as a mere pale point of light, 

Dimming a little bit more

over the course of time 

journeying through epochs and eras 

as it finally touches 

upon our eyes 

and reflects back 

spreading out from us 

trying to reach 

another point in time to reflect;

Holding what's left 

of its history, 

   losing a little 

   with every touch and reflection

the details it once held 

   so vividly 

where it will eventually

blink out of existence, 

I too, will also 

gasp my last breath 

as life will leave my eyes 

and my perception will fade

all for it to reflect back 

toward its point of origin 

though, 

without all the memory or hindsight

of this life, 

without all the experience 

or details, 

without the pain and joys;

A cyclical journey finding its point 

once more

on the circular disc 

of time  

as all that was gained hazes out

amongst the foggy veil of existence;

An infinite loop 

on the same stretch

though this time 

   with different choices; 

   a different life; 

   a different everything; 

infallable, perfect, 

an elegant system 

created by the universe 

to perpetuate reality 

along all its infinite avenues. 

-Armando Torres

...If Only

"...If Only"
If only we never had met...
or maybe instead 
we would only catch 
a passing glance
     and never knew it,
only then would we 
never have found
these kisses of ours.

Never to have these memories,
   that otherwise 
   would never have happened;
Never to feel your touch,
   or smell the scent of your hair;
Never to hear your voice
   or experience those small moments
   in your embrace;
I wouldn't know your fears,
your passions,
your life, or your family.
Wouldn't have these memories
of you laughing.

If I had never met you,
only then would we never know.

But we do know 
how we feel to the touch,
I know the way 
your lips feel against mine,
   how time 
   seemed to slip away
   when I was with you.
I know the way you sound 
when we made love,
the way you looked 
with the early morning light
carressing your sleeping face,
I know how life felt 
as we traded the day hours 
for the night.

Only your words,
   your eyes,
only the way you looked at me,
only you
felt where I should have been,
only you
was what felt real and right;
   among the stream of countless
   experiences and memories 
   before us,
only your touch
is what made sense
to me.

We were a slice of time
folded over upon itself
like a mirror reflecting infinity.

I know what it feels like
to only
want to love you
until we got to the best parts
of life
with you.

If only we had never met,
then this pain wouldn't 
feel so real.
These memories wouldn't exist
and my life would have different 
things to relive.

If only 
we had known that our love 
was so fleeting 
then perhaps we wouldn't have 
taken the chance,
then I could look out 
from the window and see others 
walking hand in hand
never knowing 
what it would feel like 
to take that chance.

-Armando Torres