I Will Not Allow Them...

"I Will Not Allow Them..."

I lie about my dreams,

about what I actually see,

What I tell you

is not what is true,

There are things about me

that have deformed me underneath,

Things that have broken me,

     gnarled and chewed on me,

left me in pieces

to be bandaged and stitched

back together,

I will never be

a natural fit forever,

Parts of me are ugly

     and others misshapen,

Pieces put back in the wrong place

     forming the wrong shapes,

I'm not a natural fit for anything,

Nature has abandoned me

leaving me with this reflection

     of deformed wounds,

I would not want you to know the truth,

That is why I lie about my dreams to you,

I would rather have you believe

that I am your pure reflection

of love,

Instead

of this horrid, gnarled, deformed

imperfection of me,

Whatever I would have been

was spent

long before now,

No one will ever know me in the end

because I will not allow them.

-Armando Torres

Flakes of Snow

"Flakes of Snow"

Delicate white flakes of snow

silently fall outside the window,

My mind slowly begins

to leave sleep behind,

My eyes leisurely start to see

the morning light

pouring through the window blinds,

Just then,

     you wrap your arm around me

     softly pulling me in

     closer to your naked skin,

Our bodies

     entwined still

     from the night before

     holding the silky sensation

     craving for more,

Winter softly touches

the edges of the windows

as we hold each other close,

Our naked bodies

radiating heat

keeping the cold at bay

and you begin to kiss me,

Your gently moans

penetrate this winter silence

as my body and soul

become yours to own,

I hold on for as long as I can

until finally 

     I lose myself

     inside of you,

All that remains

in this silence of satisfaction

are

the delicate flakes of snow

falling gently outside the window.

-Armando Torres

What You Left Behind

"What You Left Behind"

There's a part of me

that wants you to hurt,

wants you to miss me,

     for you to say sorry

and beg

and plead

for me to take you back

     but for me to calmly say no.

It's a dream however,

     because

     you're never coming back.

Instead,

     I'm left with

     lonely despair

trying with all I have

to not fold

underneath

the weight of silence

There's a part of me

that wants you to feel what I feel,

for you to find the mistakes

that were made

and realize

your life should be with me

but for me to have already

     moved on to another life.

It's a fantasy however,

     because

     you have already moved on.

I saw you

at the grocery.

     You introduced me to your new life.

I said hi,

and then parted ways.

You didn't even see

     the gaping hole 

     you left in my chest

     from our past.

Didn't notice

the swell of pain

behind my eyes

Or

the decaying rot

of my wound.

You saw none of it

as you smiled

and turned

and walked away

with your new life.

Without another thought

about

     what you left behind.

-Armando Torres

Feed on Me

"Feed on Me"

I care for you

too much

that

I wouldn't want you

to ruin your life

for me.

I'm not what you think.

I'm broken.

I've done things to be ashamed of,

     things to never be spoken of.

I've lied

and I've hurt people 

that I care about.

I'm not worth it.

You don't.  

Need me.

Go live your life without me.

You'll see 

it was the right decision.

Of course,

every inch of my being

will be screaming

"Don't Leave."

but I wouldn't let you know that.

Those are my demons trying to feed,

     instead,

          I'm going to open

          another bottle of Jack

and let them 

feed on me.

-Armando Torres

This Time of Year

"This Time of Year"

Amidst a crisp winter white

slowly falling from the sky

the soft crunch of snow

beneath my feet

always reminds me

that time has gone by,

This time of year always seems

to bring your memory,

A piece of my heart

left with you

when it ended,

     Its okay though

          I still remember you the way you were

          but that was a lifetime ago,

This winter snow however

always blurs the lines of what you were to me,

Feels like watching a movie remembering those memories,

I know that

Somewhere in this winter white

Our past still exists

but only like

     a snowflake,

fleeting in its beauty,

existing before our eyes

for mere moments

before

disappearing on the ground

among the million

other flakes of snow,

leaving behind 

only

their essence in memory.

Gone to time.

-Armando Torres

drip.

"drip."

The sound of a delicate dripping

swims through the silence

of this

     motionless home.

Nothing moves anymore

except the shadows,

     drip.

Outside 

the sun rises

and moves across the sky

casting

and 

changing

     the shadows inside each room.

          The only movement that exists now.

As daylight softens

the shadows silently

grow

and 

stretch

     across the floor

     and up the walls.

           drip.

Filling the whole home

with darker shades of day,

until the night is in every corner.

Each day is the same.

Memories captured

     in picture frames

telling stories with no sound.

Only painful reminders

of how alone this time of year can be.

They aren't here anymore.

It's just hollow here and empty.

drip.

This place is just a cavern

of painful memories now

with

     no one left to remember them.

drip.

Its been weeks

and the world continues

to move outside.

No one ever came around before.

No one comes around now.

When it happened,

it was because 

it finally passed the threshold of hesitation,

      A certain kind of courage filled his veins,

      drip.

There was only purpose

in the peace that could be only found

by letting go.

drip.

Its been weeks

and no one has found him.

There has been no movement in this home.

No sounds of footsteps.

No laughter.

Long before the delicate drip had any meaning

he had a warm bath.

The water has turned cold since then

and his hand hangs motionless over the edge.

There's a peaceful silence that hangs heavy in the air.

A painful sorrow that overlays the cold water

that lay motionless and silent

Until the next drip.

-Armando Torres 

I Don't Even Remember You

"I Don't Even Remember You"

I find the fire

this night

     a deceptive comfort.

The sting of the cold

attempts to creep in

     through my skin

but the warmth of the fire

keeps these

     icy demons at bay.

The shades of warm oranges

and

flickering yellows

     wash my face

     as I close my eyes

and

     I raise my chin

     to the sky.

I know

     what burns in the darkness.

I decided

long before now

     among

     the delicate sounds

          of piano notes

that I would burn it

     all down.

The soft warmth

has become a fiery sting

     on my skin

but I continue to watch

from a ways away

     as I let this fire

bring

     an end

          to everything.

I don't know

     if you were in there.

I just know

     that these flames

     have begun

to lick my face

     and this smile

has turned gnarled.

The world

begins to become

     silent

as the screams

     elegantly

turn into beautiful

     piano notes

so fondly remembered.

A melodic rhythm

     to fade away to.

I don't even remember you.

-Armando Torres