Where are You?

Where are you
because I seem I can only remember you now
and every time I look around 

I find you've been gone for a very long time.

I don't believe this world my eyes see,
all this yellow grass and those chubby bees, 

these trees of autumn leaves. 

I look around and refuse to believe 

all that this world 

would have me look upon and ponder, is this real?

only to have my answers work within the confines of my wonder.

Where did it all go because its still here
right in front of me to see.

I wish I could spend another
intimate
second
hidden
on those empty benches
kissing another kiss, with you,

but I can't find
any of the daylight
or even the bitter cold of night
like I remember.

I can't find any other day like those we took 

even though
its all
still there when I look.

My memory continues to show me my time without it all.

I linger about now and wait every year when you come here
to visit
my gravestone
but time has shown me
another summer
without you and your visit.
Where are you
because I can still remember you
but every time I look around I realize
I've been gone
for a very long time.
-Armando Torres

"If..."

"If..."
Why is it when
there are things I see
your face
it seems
always appears.
I can't hear a song
or breath the air
without the thought
of where we were
just a time ago
filling my mind
and withering my will
to move.
I could
if
by chance
live the rest
without my past
I would relish a bliss
of ignorance
and say goodbye
to regret and fear,
I should however
never forget
those moments we shared
we thought were the rest of our lives,
a whole lifetime spent
I wish I could forget
but know shouldn't
because even though
you're gone now
I always everyday
visit your grave.
-Armando

I Know Now...

"I Know Now..."
Its gone,
those days we knew
would never end.
Gone Goodbye,
all over again,
I remember because
its all still there.
it feels
as if it never left.
I wish we knew
then
how bad it would hurt
because then
love
would likely be
a game
we never played.
The taste of this
bittersweet defeat
lingers far longer
than me never knowing.
I would never know
your kiss,
never to feel the naked brush
of your skin against mine,
I would always dine
without your judgmental eyes,
being glad I lived alone,
would have sat on the couch
by myself to watch
television
and laugh with the empty room,
I would watch through
my window
as other couples passed
never knowing that game
they were playing,
but always knowing
deep down
I wish I knew
what it felt like.
-Armando Torres

my beautiful mistake

"my beautiful mistake"
I knew then
I only regretted
having should have,
I never knew
you would be
so cruel,
the echoes
sway back and forth
inside my head
and yet
all I can hear
are the soft droplets
of rain.
I wanted to say
the right thing,
the one thing,
but I can no longer hear
what we said
in those last moments.
Your last words
just echo
back and forth
as a banging
inside my head.
I stand now
drenched
outside in darkness
wanting still
to say
so many things,
instead stand now
eyes upward,
lost
in the falling rain,
living
my beautiful mistake.
-Armando Torres

blank space

'blank space"
remember when we laid on the carpet for hours
boxes all about, dishes un-packed,
laid there and stared,
empty walls to look at and
new counters,
smiled at all the blank space
because this was our first place.
remember when we fell asleep on the couch
blanket snug around, t.v. still on,
laid there and slept,
too cold inside on those winter days
to lay alone on the couch,
we just kissed all the cold away,
we used to talk and laugh
took baths together, had our pictures on the walls together,
burned boredom together,
but now we barely know each other,
just have those stares
on our faces
to read all the words we didn't say to each other,
remember when the cold inside felt colder when the bed was for one,
when the couch had no one,
when we finally found the words we shouldn't have said and said them,
when the walls and counters became empty again,
when we plastered over the holes
cleaned the halls
packed the boxes
and stared at all the blank space again.
-Armando Torres

another day

"another day"

I drink with the night, my ally, my comrade

and laugh at all the things I do 

I've done and might,

drink another glass

cry 

and regret those more the more I drink,

find my hole, my place, this sink,

vomiting
I regret more the things I drink,

its all past, all gone and done

and this toilet bowel 

smells sour,

I've gone and drank away another day

passed the midnight hour

and I sit where I should stay

head hung low over my toilet bowel

waiting for the day.

-Armando Torres

the closer I stand

"the closer I stand"
its not like I wanted this,
I did not intend to say bye like this
but here we are in this moment again,
instead
i prefer yesterday
before these mistakes were ever made,
or the day prior
before I knew the lies you liar,
its ok though
because I have already lit this fire
and there's no stopping those warm yellows
from burning everything and leaving me all warm and happy,
because the bitterness melts quicker
the closer I stand,
so
I raise my hands
and feel the warmth
of whats left;
on my palms,
the fire feels so much better
the closer I stand.
-Armando Torres

a ways away

"a ways away"
I've realized I relish in being miserable, for it is only in those moments I find the beauty of the world if only to see it from a distance rather than being among it, away a ways, back behind the distant and faintest of memories, far off, long and dim and almost gone to gray, too distant to ever want to be a part, however I feel I could only ever find that beauty to see if I was a ways away, only then would I believe in that beauty, only then would I relish my misery as I do just so the world can be beautiful.
-Armando Torres

Its all a moment

"its all a moment"
I find I could only have ever existed in a moment, never a life, never for more than a moment, none of us who think time moves along with us have ever existed for more than a moment, life is but a moment of significant insignificance, and that's the beauty of time and not life, the relative motion of it, the seemingly effortless movement of it, the grandness of it, all of it just to show the moment when it all existed, in a moment, just a moment, all of it. And None of it would have ever existed if that moment never existed at all.
-Armando Torres

Wherefore

"Wherefore"
Its in the darkness it comes to visit, slithering
its whispers around the night sounds,
the tiny hum of street lamps numbs
my ears as I sit and listen and hear the whispers. Eyes hung heavy deep inside my head painting the round dark rings I can no longer see when the darkness has washed all over me.  The cool midnight breeze from my opened window slices past my face and with it brings the whispers.  I sit calmly and without worry staring ahead from my heavy leather chair,
arms hung over and head hung forward
but my eyes stare ahead.
Nothing moves inside this night nothing except the spattered beauty of red lines,
slowly painting their trail of final absolution rolling downward unto the floor. The whispers talk amongst the shadows and among the trees outside my window the eyes peer in to look in at me.
All I only have is this wall of defiant beauty and that body that painted it for me.

-Armando Torres

That Cackle Laugh

"That Cackle Laugh"

Oh how that sweet and contorted mess of jumbled flesh lies before me, smiling a final smile that will forever infest this mind of mine. In the darkness of pale gloom that face lingers above all else staring deep into me looming low from the darkest corner of every room, forever haunting me. In the throws of disparity a dark ambiance slithers over my ears banging deep rumblings of oscillation, over and over on empty lonely nights and only the deep voice of my greatest fears provides any kind of thought.  Sitting inside the filth of perception I see it again, that smiling face again, laughing, looking, watching as the noises get louder and from far off comes a deep thud where my soul has finally dropped its salvation; leaving it all behind with one final echo of past.  And the cackling begins, a vastness of black lay before me only I see, a deep cavity of emptiness only I feel and there at the beginning of my absolution of insanity the face lies there smiling as if knowing it knew, but I cackle that last laugh because I knew before that face ever did.  

-Armando Torres

unraveled thread

"unraveled thread"
I can only hope that somewhere inside the fabric of time exists some kind of line of cotton thread, unraveled and twine this line of thread ready to be pulled but tightens instead.  Why do I prefer to live inside those dreadful memories entwined in cotton thread as a prisoner of time even though however I cry my salty reminders dissolving away this fragile mind of mine with lingering thoughts of her.  Further along this loosened thread I find my way misled deep within a river floating on down the stream drowning forever, however hope is not lost when I always find my unraveled string ready to bring me ashore just to mislead me once more to these sandy banks hoping I drown again once more.
-Armando Torres

The Morning Mist

"The Morning Mist"
In the morning mist that lingers around us without us ever really realizing it there lies in wait a beautiful sunrise although not yet.  The dull blues and grays drip in from night to day and we see the morning mist, we see the gentle shade of waking day, the blended gray of a world waiting; it's here we are, it's here we lay dreading the day to arrive never realizing however the gloom beauty of this morning mist because we see only the sorrow and pain of a dreaded day, never looking past those dull monotonous but blended grays and into that shaded beauty of morning day.  The blues get lighter and the cold gets warmer and the softness of the orange begins to rise over the horizon painting away with it all the morning haze.  It's here in these moments where we never realize how easy it is to forget about that lonely morning mist where instead for a moment we feel the beauty of day never to look back, never to acknowledge the beauty before, forever to never be in that moment of morning mist although it's there in those lonely moments waiting for the sunrise that the brush strokes of a painting are created, where the tears of a memory are shed, it's here in this morning mist where we shed all the burdens of pain and sorrow just for that single moment of fresh air when the oranges come over, where the shaded mist of the morning takes all we are willing to give and forever accepts it is not beautiful like a sunrise because of the pain it sheds for us, but somewhere in the those morning moments we do see its beauty but forget in a moment of clarity, inside a tear gone, for a love of infinite gray, we forget and the morning mist accepts its not beautiful like a sunrise; however it looks on through shaded mists of gray and accepts because it knows more than we can ever realize how we are more beautiful than a sunrise.
-Armando Torres

one note ♪

"one note ♪"
From out the darkness a musical note sang, a single solitary note nothing more, a note of melancholy banging deep within me, I stared long as if the source of this low lonely note would appear here right before me but only that which i could hear appeared and nothing more, i had forgotten only to have the sadness swim in on this single thing, low and long, to float very fine along nature's lines for me to hear, gone are the days where i sought for this note to slide into obscurity and leave me be, to become nothing more but a bad memory but alas all I'm left with is this low lonely hum from out the darkness, everything i ever reached for stripped down to a single solitary note and nothing more.

Why

"Why"
When I think about why I find I've realized you are more than my reason why; why I don't know but somehow its become something more than just right now slightly hidden within the moments of small seconds right in between the tiny slips of time where why has become all mine to find. Its love some would say but the day seems to have become much more than what is shown, all has become open all the doors and for this I know, its much more than just love, why I don't know but when I think about why I find I've realized you are more than just my reason why.
-Armando Torres

Just for that Kiss

"Just for that Kiss"
Its cold and my nose feels it, she grabs my hands with her warm ones and rubs them. I don't even realize it but she makes everything melt away and new again; she holds my hands cupped in hers up to her lips and blows into them, making them warm again, I forget again about the whole world again. I don't even see the snowflakes falling or the icy chill in our breaths, it all just exists to make this moment perfect. She wraps her arms around me and holds me tight and I can only just hug her like all the warmth of the world exists just between us. I can feel her warm breath on my neck as she brushes closer to me for a kiss on my cheek. She grabs my hand, one finger over the other and we turn to walk away from that moment, breaths still lingering in the air, intimate sweet nothings still on the edges of our lips and I turn to her one last time and kiss her just for the moment, just to exist for that kiss.
-Armando Torres

What You Do To Me

"What You Do To Me"
My life is justified because you’re in it, its because of you that everything means more than just something, it means everything again. Every time I hold you I have my whole world in my arms cause you are my whole everything and no harm will ever come this way; the sun rises and the night drips away. I never thought I’d see my whole world so tiny and big inside your eyes but that’s what you do to me. I forget the rest of the world away just so I can exist inside those tiny moments that paint a whole world just for the both of us; I find I realize I found everything I was looking for inside those eyes of yours, its all I see, that’s what you do to me. I cant find the seam nor do I mean to, I found what it is to be alive. You to me are like my eyes a view its seen but unlike a warm sunrise or soft clouds in the sky, I get to take you home with me. But coming here at first felt so new to me, almost felt I had cursed myself to be far from what I wanted, forever forgetting and finding no solace; but then I found you and I forgot what lonely felt like; loneliness no longer finds the need because the best thing of everyday is you, I love you. This is what you do to me.
-Armando Torres

dedicated to Elisa, love ya babe.

...but I can't stop kissing you

"...but I can't stop kissing you"
But I can't stop kissing you because somewhere between these moments of everything, I've seen what it is that makes you so special, I've seen that part of your eyes that has become so essential in saying that which requires that of only a look, that part that says its here where I need to be, you kissing me, touching your lips with mine and finding that slice of life that contains everything I've ever wanted. The moments these lips seem to share even when but a mere space away is exactly where my life should be, its here where my lips feel that flash of bliss that lasts for so long inside a single moment and I hope for it, long for it, wish for it and find I can't stop kissing you even when that moment has long sinced passed. The long moments of life at long last have found a purpose with just a kiss, thriving in pure infinity inside a single solitary moment. I live, I die, I find life only to realize I can't stop kissing you.
-Armando Torres

only nothing

"only nothing"
My necklace broke today and for a brief instant I lay there waiting for the meaning of this to dawn upon me like a fierce breath of fresh air. Instead only the echoed silence lingered and the ringing in my ears floated fresh for me to hear, only the dim glow of the morning seemed to be watching as only dead bewilderment froze upon my face. I found nothing in that moment, nothing upon it that said to me it was of significance, nothing in the cosmos noticed, nothing except for me. For it was me that made that moment exist, it was me that made it so, it was I and not fate, it was my face that watched and not God. I saw and therefore it was and for a brief moment found what I was looking for only for it to fold into infinity and exist as an instant of only nothing.
-Armando Torres

I know

"I know"
The candle flickers, the shadows dance over one another and the coolness of the night settles in and then you begin to feel it even though there seems to be nothing more but a lonely dark room lifeless of anything except for those dark reminders that creep up and over your eyes leaving bloodshot stains and dark bags. Its here where I see you, its here creeping up with my eyes that I peer into what you show without you knowing. You sit there alone because I aint there but I still see you; as I hover over your shoulders I see you and what you do. So don't forget that when alone feels just enough where no one knows, I know because I can see you. I find your hollow existence and watch just so somehwere in this mess of existence something finds purpose to be even if its just you. Just so there will be a record of your insignificant blip in this floating abyss of everything that is because you are somewhere even if alone feels so alone, dont because I know.
-Armando Torres