...anymore

"...anymore"

I can still see 

the vibrant colors 

of the flowers 

you loved walking through,

the green meadows 

out and away 

from the grey concrete 

of the city 

and its busy streets,

but there seems to be 

some things 

I am starting to forget,

like the color of your dress 

or what time of day it was 

we used to go,

it had to have been 

in the middle of the day 

some time, 

look noon or nine or two?

I can't seem to remember 

where we were 

actually 

or your shoes,

come to think of it 

I don't even remember 

how to spell your name anymore, 

was it with an I or a Y or an E?

I can't quite see 

all the flowers anymore 

if I am being honest,

or if there were any trees,

I can barely see your face,

if that's even how you 

even looked,

even the sound of your laugh 

has faded,

large parts have seemed 

to disappear 

into a gentle mist 

and I can't make the shapes 

anymore,

I am just standing here 

in the void 

against an endless black,

tiny echoes 

of our voices 

slowly dissipating, 

small details fading away,

only bits and pieces remain 

like the blue flower 

I picked for you 

that was sitting amongst 

the yellow grass...

or was it red?

I can't seem to remember 

anymore.

-Armando Torres

barriers

"barriers"

Before I knew you,

there seemed to be 

some kind of emptiness in me 

that I would choose 

to ignore,

it was there 

and I didn't really know it,

I could feel the tips 

of its presence 

upon my soul

and I would just grit my teeth 

and swallow it whole,

I didn't want to know 

how far this void could go,

didn't want to complicate 

the delicate balance 

of my complacent place 

in life,

I wanted to just make it through 

another day 

but then 

I met you 

and you changed everything,

I didn't know another person 

could get so close 

to my heart again,

didn't know 

someone else could find it 

when I had it 

buried so deep even I 

couldn't tell you 

where it was,

but somehow 

you navigated 

the maze like barriers 

I had built 

and found me,

you saw me 

without my walls,

without my faults,

without the burdens I chose to carry 

as penance 

for any regrets 

I may have been carrying,

you saw me 

and chose to find me,

to walk through 

the wired fences,

over the impossibly 

high walls,

the thorned bushes 

and the dancing flames,

you chose to hug me 

and wipe away my pain 

and told me 

that it was going to be okay,

before you 

I would have built 

another barrier 

and stayed by the flames 

as they splayed my skin,

but now,

I am not even sure how 

to build a barrier 

anymore,

not even sure who that was

when I was 

still hiding from myself.

-Armando Torres

you:

"you:"

it slowly crept in 

from the edges

so subtly 

that at first 

I didn't even notice it,

then the days went by 

and more of it 

became apparent 

and I could no longer ignore it,

it's not like a choice 

but a willingness 

to accept what life is 

presenting you,

to recognize the value 

and decide unknowingly 

that you are open to this,

as we spend more and more time 

together 

I recognize 

how special you are to me,

I found myself at the start 

thinking about you 

when you weren't around 

and I find myself now 

thinking about you 

all the time 

and how I can try 

to make your life better,

everything feels so easy 

when you're around 

that you have inspired me 

to pick up all my old hobbies 

again,

to end 

the stresses I have kept,

to breath in the day 

and be thankful for it 

because it's another opportunity 

to spend time with you in it,

I just hope 

I can make you feel 

the same way.

-Armando Torres

atonement

"atonement"
I want a way out 
of this labyrinth, 
my memories of you 
act like long 
corridors 
to get through
and every time I turn the corner 
of one 
there always seems to be 
another memory waiting,

I can't seem to find 
the end 
and each time I feel close 
to one 
I see you again,

maybe it's because 
these walls keep changing, 
sliding and shifting 
as I make my way down 
another long one,

I can feel the ground beneath me 
moving 
as this whole labyrinth 
keeps changing around me 
just so I can't escape,

the air always feels 
so tight 
and the open sky above 
is only there 
to taunt me 
with the hope 
that I could possibly 
be free from here,

but even when I see 
the open space 
at the end of a corridor, 
the walls always shift and shape 
into corners 
and there you appear again, 
my curse, my cross to bear,
my burdens with which 
I pay my penance.
I need a ball of thread
to finally be able 
to escape.

-Armando Torres

lingering vestige

"lingering vestige"
There's heartbreak in my soul, 
   though that word 
   is not entirely conducive
   to how it feels for me,

It's not like a crack 
in something broken,
it's more like a sticky substance, 
an oily sap 
that attaches 
to everything inside me,

The break came 
when we separated, 
when our connection 
ceased to be, 
what remains in the aftermath 
isn't 
a structure broken in two 
but an awful dark substance 
that can never really be 
cleaned thoroughly, 

There will always be hints 
of it 
somewhere 
in the furthest recesses, 
a kind of residue 
that never really goes away, 
just a vague stain 
of heartbreak
of what I once felt 
for you.

-Armando Torres

Too Long

"Too Long"
There have been nights 
where I have allowed my mind 
awful self-torturous thoughts,
   dreadful notions 
   billowing out 
like blood through water
throughout my psyche,

Staining all my other thoughts 
in crimson,
spreading out 
toward the boundaries of my nature, 
pushing on the walls 
of my fundamental principles, 
Clawing and scraping 
to break through 
like some kind of ravenous animal,

Too long 
have I let these thoughts spread, 
Too long 
have I accepted these ideas,

They are tearing now 
at the delicate membrane 
of my flesh and essence, 
ripping apart 
my existential ligaments and tendons,
roaring through 
to the other side, 
beyond 
the boundaries of my mind,

Scarlet streaks dripping 
down my face 
of pure primal rage, 
a bloody grimace desperate 
to see through 
with eyes of ruby,
with snarling red teeth and crimson skin, 
looking upon 
the eldritch vistas of the infinite,
unspeakable views 
laced with madness and frenzy,

It is here in the beyond 
I begin to realize 
the fleshy boundaries 
of my existence 
were there to protect me,

We were never meant 
to venture through the beyond,
never meant 
to feel the fringes 
of abstract thought, 

I can feel the ethos 
of my life fraying, 
they are beginning to split 
like fabric 
with loose thread,

I'm unraveling into the infinite 
and even though my body will remain,
who I was 
will no longer be,
do not trust me 
if you see me,
I am gone, never to return,
never again to be,
I am laced with madness and frenzy.

-Armando Torres

without shape

"without shape"
I want to write things 
that make me feel 
the same way 
a sad song can tear 
through my heart,
or how a lavishly orange sunset 
can look like 
painted brushstrokes of art, 
to find the right way 
to phrase 
certain words that allows 
my nostalgia to play 
with my melancholy, 
   so that my memories 
   can find 
   the meaning inside 
   elegant piano melodies 
where otherwise 
   would be just empty sadness 
   with no outlet 
   for release,

I want to find the words 
that describe what my soul 
is feeling,
that uncanny sensation 
where the formless 
takes shape 
as it crashes upon 
the diaphanous boundaries 
of what is ethereal 
and what is corporeal 
creating what I know 
as emotion,

Without any of my words 
that allows me 
to understand it 
I cannot know what it is 
that I am actually feeling 
other than knowing 
that it is in fact 
something to be felt,
   it is as tangible as touch 
   and as formless as sight,

Without the keys 
to the lock 
all I will know 
is there is a door 
with something behind it,
   I just know 
   there are ways 
   in any language 
   to communicate 
this deep well of things 
that I feel 
   that have no form.

-Armando Torres

see you around

"see you around"
your memory 
tends to linger with me 
even though 
I know 
we were wrong romantically,
I wish we could go back 
to being friends, 
back before the wreckage 
we left in our wake,

it was always too much 
to ignore, 
too much to not 
take a chance 
but in the end, we did 
and in the process 
destroyed 
all that we had before,

there are moments I miss, sure 
and with time 
we may perhaps mend 
but knowing all the hurt 
I just don't know 
if there is enough time 
in a single lifetime 
to heal 
the depths of our wounds, 
   so I wish you well 
   and who knows, maybe 
I'll see you on the other side.

-Armando Torres

it's nice to see you

"it's nice to see you"
Here we are again, 
feeling the same way again, 
what do we do this time, 
I'm not sure, 
I'm not even 
supposed to have any memory 
of this 
beyond the threshold 
of the veil, 

Only the primordial feeling 
of connection 
that we will always have 
no matter where we exist 
in the cosmos should be there 
but for some reason
I remember everything; 

I don't know what will happen 
this time 
but for some reason 
the powers at be 
have allowed me 
to retain all my memories,
 
I can see 
this is 
the same stretch of time 
we once had 
but we are at the beginning 
of the connection once again 
and perhaps I think I do know 
what I would have
to do
but it's not the right time.

I think 
maybe 
perhaps 
could be 
possibly, 
that my heart is finally 
realizing that yes, 
I do in fact love you 
but sadly 
we are 
again 
in the wrong stretch of time 
this time.
But It was nice to see you though.

-Armando Torres

Stygian Stars

"Stygian Stars"

He found himself 

in the place 

where the black stars hang, 

so far beyond 

the comprehension 

of what our minds 

can claim, 

a supreme madness 

so invariably consuming 

to the sensitive fleshy souls 

of humans 

that there is no returning 

to any part 

that was you 

that existed before

the descent into insanity,

was it Hell, 

for he did not know, 

the only thing that was certain 

was the sensation 

of his mind flaying 

under the slicing pressure 

of this place,

an insufferable pain 

gripped his sanity 

as he witnessed things 

words cannot explain,

even if he could understand 

he could never know 

what was happening, 

had he died, 

was he alive,

why was he swimming 

in the black seas of infinity,

time was fluid here, 

he could feel every moment 

of his life being 

excruciatingly stripped away, 

layer by layer, 

detail by detail, 

inch by inch, 

everything he had ever done, 

every lie he had ever said, 

every joy he ever felt, 

ripped away from him 

as each second 

felt like a thousand years,

each memory happening 

over and over until 

it was too precious 

to give up 

before being torn away 

like tufts of hair 

being torn away 

from his scalp,

And after thousands upon thousands 

of years have passed 

no part of him was human 

any longer, 

he had been stripped and flayed 

and gone through a process of transformation 

leaving him beyond 

our comprehension 

in that place where the black stars hang.

-Armando Torres

tenuous

"tenuous"

I keep dreaming an image 

of your hand clasped 

in mine, 

interlocked fingers 

with each one 

over 

the other 

slightly bent inward 

holding tightly 

each other's hands. 

I can't seem 

to get it out of my dreams, 

it's an image I know I have seen 

so many times before 

in reality, 

   but know now 

   I won't again 

   outside of my dreams.

I can still see vividly 

the textures of your skin, 

the hue and creases 

of your hand, 

your painted fingernails, 

the tiny scar you have 

on your knuckle, 

I can still even remember 

how cold your hands 

always seemed to be, 

always wanting to warm them 

with mine.

I would from time to time 

turn your hand over 

and look at the fine lines 

stretching across 

your palms 

gently sliding the tip 

of my finger 

over your heart line 

before touching 

your entire palm with mine 

and sliding my fingers in between yours

and holding your hand like 

it would be forever.

-Armando Torres

nascence

"nascence"

She found herself wandering 

under a dark and starry night 

with fresh air and a sense of wonder 

in her lungs,

she did not know how she came to be here

but the sense of calm was all that she needed; 

Looking up 

she could see the primordial pillars of imagination towering 

in the distant sky 

against infinite glimmering points of pale starlight, 

watching glorious clouds of creation hanging above 

swirling and flowing as spectacular streams of light 

move like rivers over the edge of infinity, 

cascading every color of existence 

like ancient waterfalls,

Roaming through gentle grass 

and underneath the starways of the cosmos 

she found her way to the Woodlock Grove, 

a revered and ancient site where all fate 

seems to converge for those not looking, 

She could smell the antiquity in the air 

of earth and trees, 

the moss and browning leaves, 

a serene sense of peace 

overlaid upon her essense and she became one 

with the wild and untamed, 

one with the supernatural forces of the strange,

She began to see the history of this grove 

and its purpose, 

her eyes rolled back to white 

as she began to hear the words of the mighty white pines;

living their centuries of existence 

in mere moments, 

seeing their sacred seeds falling 

upon the forest floor 

and growing into many tall trees,

Watching natural life bounding and moving 

through the thicket 

as their bodies stretched up toward the sky, 

their arms reaching out into the open air 

as small animals climbed through their branches 

and birds lingered above on the tips on their crowns 

singing their beautiful song;

   and every few blood moons 

   would occur a strange phenomenon,

 

Strange beings moving silently through the moonlit darkness 

shrouded in a vaporous haze, 

some kind of being

that were evolved from some natural neccessity, 

passing judgment upon the natural world, 

allowing life to thrive in one space of the forest 

while leaving death and sacrifice happen in another, 

casting a balance she could never fully understand before,

but now somehow seems familiar;

These beings with glittering galaxies where their face should be

leave behind only a thin blanket of misty haze 

over the ground 

to prove that they were ever even there 

in the first place,

She now finds herself

standing witness 

with the white pines of this grove 

to all the harmonious stability of its balance, 

knowing now she has lost her corporeal form 

and has become an ethereal entity, 

Her essence begins to stretch through the woodlands 

and into the beyond, 

traveling through existence as a formless shape,

seeing many more things beyond 

her previous comprehension, 

she feels time through epochs and eras, 

breathes in starlight into her soul and allows 

millions upon millions of years to pass before ever 

thinking of returning,

She travels through the starways 

witnessing a grander scale of the natural order of things 

so far beyond anything before, 

her being stretching out into the cosmos, 

dissapating into almost nothing 

as her soul finally returns 

and her eyes roll forward from white 

realizing now in a tranquil moment 

that she has died 

and she can share nothing of what 

she has learned 

with her previous life.

She finally resigns all her memories

from back before all this

and says goodbye.

-Armando Torres

sanctum (second draft)

"sanctum"

I keep my little slice of meaning

hidden away deep 

inside 

somewhere,

away from prying eyes.  

Some kind of truth that 

will be linked 

only to me for always.

   A meaning untainted 

   by the stains of a dirty world,

Something that can only be kept inside

and belong uniquely to me;

it's my own truth, 

my center, my sanity;

Never to be 

felt or known or touched

by anyone else;

Some kind of inspiration 

that has birthed all that I am, 

created solely

from all 

my own 

years of life,

Existing 

as a formless shape within my soul 

deep inside myself

swaying and flowing

through my blood and 

interconnected cells,

Even if the world were to try 

   to splay me open 

   and search for it 

   amongst

   my spilled out innards, 

it would never come to fruition, 

never becoming something 

for them to own 

for it would disappear 

just as quickly and fragile 

as mist on the wind;

Hazing out 

as soon as the air touched it.

Becoming another tragic thing lost 

to the greedy prying fingers 

of the world;

A sincerity that was mine 

and mine alone 

would be gone

leaving behind 

a husk of a person 

to walk the earth;

Woefully, with the more things I lose, 

the greater the distance 

between me and everyone else grows,

   leaving me to

   meander along

whatever is left of my time

here on earth

without my truth and my soul.

-Armando Torres

my intangible sanctum

"my intangible sanctum"

I keep my little slice of meaning

hidden away deep 

inside 

somewhere,

away from prying eyes.  

Some kind of truth that belongs 

only to me for always.

   A meaning untainted 

   by the stains of a dirty world,

Something that can only be kept inside; 

and belong only to me,

my own truth, 

my center, my sanity,

Never to be felt or known or touched

by anyone else.  

Some kind of inspiration 

that has birthed all that I am, 

created only 

from all my own 

years of life,

Existing 

as a formless shape within my soul 

deep inside myself, 

Even if the world were to try 

   to splay me open 

   and search for it 

   amongst

   my spilled out innards, 

it would never come to fruition, 

never becoming something 

for them to own 

for it would disappear 

just as quickly and fragile 

as mist on the wind;

Hazing out as the air touched it.

Becoming another tragic thing lost 

to the greedy prying fingers 

of the world;

A sincerity that was mine 

and mine alone 

would be gone

leaving a husk of a person 

to walk the earth;

And with the more things I lose

the distance between me 

and everyone else 

would grow 

leaving me to

meander along

what is left of my time

without my truth and my soul.

-Armando Torres

Plangency

"Plangency"
If ever 
there was a space 
where my sorrow was beautiful,
   it would be there
   next to your piano,
letting its notes 
   paint out loud
   the melancholy in heart
   for all to hear,
allowing my sorrow 
to be spun into 
fine silk 
of black crushed velvet
sheening in melody and rhythm.

Closing my eyes
swirling inside a dream within a dream,
knowing if I were
to wake up tomorrow 
and grab a moment
from the infinitely cascading 
reflections of thoughts,
I would still hear 
your piano notes 
in all my waking moments.

-Armando Torres

lesson never learned

"lesson never learned"
I've grown used to rejection 
   even if it doesn't 
   make it any easier,
I've been on the losing end 
of attention 
many times before 
   and even though my heart 
   has calloused over 
from so many years of experience 
   there are still those rare moments 
   the hardened skin loosens 
   and falls away 
leaving a small tender weakness 
   vulnerable enough 
   to the hurt all over again, 
it's just enough space 
for something to sneak in 
and make me believe 
like an idiot 
that perhaps this time is different 
but it usually isn't,
   usually it's just another lesson 
   to lay on top 
of that vulnerable spot 
and begin hardening my skin again.

-Armando Torres

single

"single"

It's another tuesday 

and I'm contemplating 

if I should cook 

or go out,

it's about half passed six

and I'm starving,

the fear of missing out 

is really overlaying 

its heavy blanket 

over my shoulders,

it's just one of those days 

where life seems to be moving away 

from me 

and I look out the window 

from my single bedroom apartment 

curious 

of all those people moving about, 

can I go where you are going?

can I have a conversation about 

some random thing we find interesting?

maybe we can have another drink 

just so we can keep this convo going 

until it has dried up 

like an old grape 

and we sit in silence thinking 

of other things to say,

perhaps I over indulge 

and it makes the solitude at home 

feel like loneliness,

I'm trying to grab 

the fucking chicken 

out of the fridge but fuck it,

I'm grabbing my coat 

and eating out somewhere instead;

maybe I'll find another 

empty conversation to have

that will have me

forgetting that lonely apartment again.

-Armando Torres

into the aether (version 2)

"into the aether"

The music was playing 

in some house 

of a friend of a friend 

over on the north side of town;

in between the lulls of our talking 

I would look around 

and there you were,

   some stranger,

   standing across the room, 

Seeing you for the first time, 

   you looked back

and all the people faded away, 

It was the first time in a long while 

where my heart felt open to someone again,

I thought I had fallen in love, 

it was the first moments of our story together, 

I've had my chances at love,

had my 

once in a lifetime a few times 

and every time it ends 

I end up 

with more than a few regrets,

Would I change it? Hell no, 

although 

I do wish sometimes 

it didn't hurt this awful,

I would change some of the things 

that made us end, 

I would give up all my memories 

from since you left 

just so I could be back 

in that moment where 

I first saw you again,

I guess I'm a liar, 

I would change it all 

just for another fresh chance,

I wish what I know now 

I knew then 

so instead 

we'd still be writing 

our story together rather than 

me writing poetry alone 

reminiscing about back then,

But all our moments together 

permeate throughout all of space

and whatever was us

has already 

been absorbed 

between the particles of history

making disappear whatever it was 

that made us come together 

in the first place.

-Armando Torres

only way out is through

"only way out is through"

So many nights spent crying 

into a slobbering mess,

barely able to see anything 

through the red sting of my loneliness,

   existing amongst 

   a crushing and suffocating silence 

   pushing down on my shoulders,

sinking through the terrestrial plane

as the ground pulls away 

from me 

from overhead;

reaching up with outstretched fingers

grasping desparately at anything

as it all gets further away;

Falling through 

millions and millions of fathoms,

I didn't think it could go deeper;

I wanted to just ride my sadness 

straight to hell 

and hope I would just become 

another demon 

   but instead

   I met god somewhere down there 

   inside my deepest sorrows; 

in the furthest recesses 

of my own self hate, 

just waiting for me 

to find the right corner in my mind,

patiently existing somewhere 

between silence and meaning

whispering to me

it will be okay.

-Armando Torres

into the aether

"into the aether'

I've had my chances at love;

had my 

once in a lifetime a few times and every time

they've ended up 

with more than a few regrets;

When in it 

I never think it possible 

that I'm being such a damn ignorant idiot;

thinking that somehow 

I know what I know

and it's the truth 

just to realize later 

I had more than my fair share 

of the blame

in being a damn fool;

Once it's gone 

on whatever day it happens 

and I mean truly done, 

it doesn't matter what apology I have 

nor they 

because as the moments permeate 

throughout all of space

whatever that was us

has already been absorbed 

between the particles of energy and matter

dissipating into the past of rarefied aether

making disappear whatever it was

that ever made us come together

in the first place.

-Armando Torres