see you around

"see you around"
your memory 
tends to linger with me 
even though 
I know 
we were wrong romantically,
I wish we could go back 
to being friends, 
back before the wreckage 
we left in our wake,

it was always too much 
to ignore, 
too much to not 
take a chance 
but in the end, we did 
and in the process 
destroyed 
all that we had before,

there are moments I miss, sure 
and with time 
we may perhaps mend 
but knowing all the hurt 
I just don't know 
if there is enough time 
in a single lifetime 
to heal 
the depths of our wounds, 
   so I wish you well 
   and who knows, maybe 
I'll see you on the other side.

-Armando Torres

it's nice to see you

"it's nice to see you"
Here we are again, 
feeling the same way again, 
what do we do this time, 
I'm not sure, 
I'm not even 
supposed to have any memory 
of this 
beyond the threshold 
of the veil, 

Only the primordial feeling 
of connection 
that we will always have 
no matter where we exist 
in the cosmos should be there 
but for some reason
I remember everything; 

I don't know what will happen 
this time 
but for some reason 
the powers at be 
have allowed me 
to retain all my memories,
 
I can see 
this is 
the same stretch of time 
we once had 
but we are at the beginning 
of the connection once again 
and perhaps I think I do know 
what I would have
to do
but it's not the right time.

I think 
maybe 
perhaps 
could be 
possibly, 
that my heart is finally 
realizing that yes, 
I do in fact love you 
but sadly 
we are 
again 
in the wrong stretch of time 
this time.
But It was nice to see you though.

-Armando Torres

Stygian Stars

"Stygian Stars"

He found himself 

in the place 

where the black stars hang, 

so far beyond 

the comprehension 

of what our minds 

can claim, 

a supreme madness 

so invariably consuming 

to the sensitive fleshy souls 

of humans 

that there is no returning 

to any part 

that was you 

that existed before

the descent into insanity,

was it Hell, 

for he did not know, 

the only thing that was certain 

was the sensation 

of his mind flaying 

under the slicing pressure 

of this place,

an insufferable pain 

gripped his sanity 

as he witnessed things 

words cannot explain,

even if he could understand 

he could never know 

what was happening, 

had he died, 

was he alive,

why was he swimming 

in the black seas of infinity,

time was fluid here, 

he could feel every moment 

of his life being 

excruciatingly stripped away, 

layer by layer, 

detail by detail, 

inch by inch, 

everything he had ever done, 

every lie he had ever said, 

every joy he ever felt, 

ripped away from him 

as each second 

felt like a thousand years,

each memory happening 

over and over until 

it was too precious 

to give up 

before being torn away 

like tufts of hair 

being torn away 

from his scalp,

And after thousands upon thousands 

of years have passed 

no part of him was human 

any longer, 

he had been stripped and flayed 

and gone through a process of transformation 

leaving him beyond 

our comprehension 

in that place where the black stars hang.

-Armando Torres

tenuous

"tenuous"

I keep dreaming an image 

of your hand clasped 

in mine, 

interlocked fingers 

with each one 

over 

the other 

slightly bent inward 

holding tightly 

each other's hands. 

I can't seem 

to get it out of my dreams, 

it's an image I know I have seen 

so many times before 

in reality, 

   but know now 

   I won't again 

   outside of my dreams.

I can still see vividly 

the textures of your skin, 

the hue and creases 

of your hand, 

your painted fingernails, 

the tiny scar you have 

on your knuckle, 

I can still even remember 

how cold your hands 

always seemed to be, 

always wanting to warm them 

with mine.

I would from time to time 

turn your hand over 

and look at the fine lines 

stretching across 

your palms 

gently sliding the tip 

of my finger 

over your heart line 

before touching 

your entire palm with mine 

and sliding my fingers in between yours

and holding your hand like 

it would be forever.

-Armando Torres

nascence

"nascence"

She found herself wandering 

under a dark and starry night 

with fresh air and a sense of wonder 

in her lungs,

she did not know how she came to be here

but the sense of calm was all that she needed; 

Looking up 

she could see the primordial pillars of imagination towering 

in the distant sky 

against infinite glimmering points of pale starlight, 

watching glorious clouds of creation hanging above 

swirling and flowing as spectacular streams of light 

move like rivers over the edge of infinity, 

cascading every color of existence 

like ancient waterfalls,

Roaming through gentle grass 

and underneath the starways of the cosmos 

she found her way to the Woodlock Grove, 

a revered and ancient site where all fate 

seems to converge for those not looking, 

She could smell the antiquity in the air 

of earth and trees, 

the moss and browning leaves, 

a serene sense of peace 

overlaid upon her essense and she became one 

with the wild and untamed, 

one with the supernatural forces of the strange,

She began to see the history of this grove 

and its purpose, 

her eyes rolled back to white 

as she began to hear the words of the mighty white pines;

living their centuries of existence 

in mere moments, 

seeing their sacred seeds falling 

upon the forest floor 

and growing into many tall trees,

Watching natural life bounding and moving 

through the thicket 

as their bodies stretched up toward the sky, 

their arms reaching out into the open air 

as small animals climbed through their branches 

and birds lingered above on the tips on their crowns 

singing their beautiful song;

   and every few blood moons 

   would occur a strange phenomenon,

 

Strange beings moving silently through the moonlit darkness 

shrouded in a vaporous haze, 

some kind of being

that were evolved from some natural neccessity, 

passing judgment upon the natural world, 

allowing life to thrive in one space of the forest 

while leaving death and sacrifice happen in another, 

casting a balance she could never fully understand before,

but now somehow seems familiar;

These beings with glittering galaxies where their face should be

leave behind only a thin blanket of misty haze 

over the ground 

to prove that they were ever even there 

in the first place,

She now finds herself

standing witness 

with the white pines of this grove 

to all the harmonious stability of its balance, 

knowing now she has lost her corporeal form 

and has become an ethereal entity, 

Her essence begins to stretch through the woodlands 

and into the beyond, 

traveling through existence as a formless shape,

seeing many more things beyond 

her previous comprehension, 

she feels time through epochs and eras, 

breathes in starlight into her soul and allows 

millions upon millions of years to pass before ever 

thinking of returning,

She travels through the starways 

witnessing a grander scale of the natural order of things 

so far beyond anything before, 

her being stretching out into the cosmos, 

dissapating into almost nothing 

as her soul finally returns 

and her eyes roll forward from white 

realizing now in a tranquil moment 

that she has died 

and she can share nothing of what 

she has learned 

with her previous life.

She finally resigns all her memories

from back before all this

and says goodbye.

-Armando Torres

sanctum (second draft)

"sanctum"

I keep my little slice of meaning

hidden away deep 

inside 

somewhere,

away from prying eyes.  

Some kind of truth that 

will be linked 

only to me for always.

   A meaning untainted 

   by the stains of a dirty world,

Something that can only be kept inside

and belong uniquely to me;

it's my own truth, 

my center, my sanity;

Never to be 

felt or known or touched

by anyone else;

Some kind of inspiration 

that has birthed all that I am, 

created solely

from all 

my own 

years of life,

Existing 

as a formless shape within my soul 

deep inside myself

swaying and flowing

through my blood and 

interconnected cells,

Even if the world were to try 

   to splay me open 

   and search for it 

   amongst

   my spilled out innards, 

it would never come to fruition, 

never becoming something 

for them to own 

for it would disappear 

just as quickly and fragile 

as mist on the wind;

Hazing out 

as soon as the air touched it.

Becoming another tragic thing lost 

to the greedy prying fingers 

of the world;

A sincerity that was mine 

and mine alone 

would be gone

leaving behind 

a husk of a person 

to walk the earth;

Woefully, with the more things I lose, 

the greater the distance 

between me and everyone else grows,

   leaving me to

   meander along

whatever is left of my time

here on earth

without my truth and my soul.

-Armando Torres

my intangible sanctum

"my intangible sanctum"

I keep my little slice of meaning

hidden away deep 

inside 

somewhere,

away from prying eyes.  

Some kind of truth that belongs 

only to me for always.

   A meaning untainted 

   by the stains of a dirty world,

Something that can only be kept inside; 

and belong only to me,

my own truth, 

my center, my sanity,

Never to be felt or known or touched

by anyone else.  

Some kind of inspiration 

that has birthed all that I am, 

created only 

from all my own 

years of life,

Existing 

as a formless shape within my soul 

deep inside myself, 

Even if the world were to try 

   to splay me open 

   and search for it 

   amongst

   my spilled out innards, 

it would never come to fruition, 

never becoming something 

for them to own 

for it would disappear 

just as quickly and fragile 

as mist on the wind;

Hazing out as the air touched it.

Becoming another tragic thing lost 

to the greedy prying fingers 

of the world;

A sincerity that was mine 

and mine alone 

would be gone

leaving a husk of a person 

to walk the earth;

And with the more things I lose

the distance between me 

and everyone else 

would grow 

leaving me to

meander along

what is left of my time

without my truth and my soul.

-Armando Torres

Plangency

"Plangency"
If ever 
there was a space 
where my sorrow was beautiful,
   it would be there
   next to your piano,
letting its notes 
   paint out loud
   the melancholy in heart
   for all to hear,
allowing my sorrow 
to be spun into 
fine silk 
of black crushed velvet
sheening in melody and rhythm.

Closing my eyes
swirling inside a dream within a dream,
knowing if I were
to wake up tomorrow 
and grab a moment
from the infinitely cascading 
reflections of thoughts,
I would still hear 
your piano notes 
in all my waking moments.

-Armando Torres

lesson never learned

"lesson never learned"
I've grown used to rejection 
   even if it doesn't 
   make it any easier,
I've been on the losing end 
of attention 
many times before 
   and even though my heart 
   has calloused over 
from so many years of experience 
   there are still those rare moments 
   the hardened skin loosens 
   and falls away 
leaving a small tender weakness 
   vulnerable enough 
   to the hurt all over again, 
it's just enough space 
for something to sneak in 
and make me believe 
like an idiot 
that perhaps this time is different 
but it usually isn't,
   usually it's just another lesson 
   to lay on top 
of that vulnerable spot 
and begin hardening my skin again.

-Armando Torres

single

"single"

It's another tuesday 

and I'm contemplating 

if I should cook 

or go out,

it's about half passed six

and I'm starving,

the fear of missing out 

is really overlaying 

its heavy blanket 

over my shoulders,

it's just one of those days 

where life seems to be moving away 

from me 

and I look out the window 

from my single bedroom apartment 

curious 

of all those people moving about, 

can I go where you are going?

can I have a conversation about 

some random thing we find interesting?

maybe we can have another drink 

just so we can keep this convo going 

until it has dried up 

like an old grape 

and we sit in silence thinking 

of other things to say,

perhaps I over indulge 

and it makes the solitude at home 

feel like loneliness,

I'm trying to grab 

the fucking chicken 

out of the fridge but fuck it,

I'm grabbing my coat 

and eating out somewhere instead;

maybe I'll find another 

empty conversation to have

that will have me

forgetting that lonely apartment again.

-Armando Torres

into the aether (version 2)

"into the aether"

The music was playing 

in some house 

of a friend of a friend 

over on the north side of town;

in between the lulls of our talking 

I would look around 

and there you were,

   some stranger,

   standing across the room, 

Seeing you for the first time, 

   you looked back

and all the people faded away, 

It was the first time in a long while 

where my heart felt open to someone again,

I thought I had fallen in love, 

it was the first moments of our story together, 

I've had my chances at love,

had my 

once in a lifetime a few times 

and every time it ends 

I end up 

with more than a few regrets,

Would I change it? Hell no, 

although 

I do wish sometimes 

it didn't hurt this awful,

I would change some of the things 

that made us end, 

I would give up all my memories 

from since you left 

just so I could be back 

in that moment where 

I first saw you again,

I guess I'm a liar, 

I would change it all 

just for another fresh chance,

I wish what I know now 

I knew then 

so instead 

we'd still be writing 

our story together rather than 

me writing poetry alone 

reminiscing about back then,

But all our moments together 

permeate throughout all of space

and whatever was us

has already 

been absorbed 

between the particles of history

making disappear whatever it was 

that made us come together 

in the first place.

-Armando Torres

only way out is through

"only way out is through"

So many nights spent crying 

into a slobbering mess,

barely able to see anything 

through the red sting of my loneliness,

   existing amongst 

   a crushing and suffocating silence 

   pushing down on my shoulders,

sinking through the terrestrial plane

as the ground pulls away 

from me 

from overhead;

reaching up with outstretched fingers

grasping desparately at anything

as it all gets further away;

Falling through 

millions and millions of fathoms,

I didn't think it could go deeper;

I wanted to just ride my sadness 

straight to hell 

and hope I would just become 

another demon 

   but instead

   I met god somewhere down there 

   inside my deepest sorrows; 

in the furthest recesses 

of my own self hate, 

just waiting for me 

to find the right corner in my mind,

patiently existing somewhere 

between silence and meaning

whispering to me

it will be okay.

-Armando Torres

into the aether

"into the aether'

I've had my chances at love;

had my 

once in a lifetime a few times and every time

they've ended up 

with more than a few regrets;

When in it 

I never think it possible 

that I'm being such a damn ignorant idiot;

thinking that somehow 

I know what I know

and it's the truth 

just to realize later 

I had more than my fair share 

of the blame

in being a damn fool;

Once it's gone 

on whatever day it happens 

and I mean truly done, 

it doesn't matter what apology I have 

nor they 

because as the moments permeate 

throughout all of space

whatever that was us

has already been absorbed 

between the particles of energy and matter

dissipating into the past of rarefied aether

making disappear whatever it was

that ever made us come together

in the first place.

-Armando Torres

entangled

"entangled"
I got myself into a situation, 
I kissed you 
when I shouldn't have, 
I touched your face 
and said you were beautiful 
and even though it is true 
I should have kept those things internal, 
I shared an intimate moment with you 
when I should have kept it platonic, 
my heart isn't really where you 
think it is, 
I think it was our loneliness 
that had us kissing, 
I accidentally on purpose 
captured your heart 
and I don't want to hurt it.

-Armando Torres

innate continuance

"innate continuance"
What am I supposed to feel today? 
Or the next? 
the first one of the year; 

perhaps some kind of revelation 
or maybe 
just all the same things 
I already feel
   daring me to change, 

it feels inconsequential
hurling through space 
at speeds we barely even comprehend, 
spiraling like a corkscrew through 
a larger orbit, 

and moreso 
after eons and eons of time 
has passed 
the whole galaxy will have completed 
a single revolution 
and we will have vanished 
from time, 
   existing only 
   as a spectrum of light 
   that has long left this place, 
taking with it 
all our meaning 
as it also 
slowly disappears 
to the epochs of moments, 

We are all moving 
right now 
at one thousand miles per hour 
sitting at our desk or chair 
or just standing somewhere, 
as the earth rotates; 
   and the earth moves 
   around the sun 
   at 67,000 miles per hour 
as we fly through space 
with barely any acknowledgement of it;
with barely any change of our perception; 

The place I was sitting 
just a moment ago 
is not the same space 
I am sitting in now 
among the cosmos;

We will never be in 
the same exact spot again 
as it all expands, 

Stretching out further and further, 

Change is inherently 
a part of existence, 

So how am I supposed to feel 
at those cosmic levels?
or even right now in this moment?
 
It may all feel inconsequenstial. 

But right here, 
right now, 
I feel you and somewhere behind me
is a trail of my emotions
spreading out into the cosmos
like the wake of a boat;
  I just know
  I want to love you 
and capture our own moments 
inside the infinitely expanding cosmos; 

to be stripped away from that scale 
and focus infintely inward on us
to have our own moments 
inside the spectrum of light 
that we all 
will
eventually become
flying through the infinite cosmos.

-Armando Torres

Fleeting winter flakes

"Fleeting winter flakes"
Sitting inside 
looking out 
through 
ice chilled windows 
as the snow falls outside.

The cold wintery bite
reaches inside 
touching 
the cold fringes 
of my nose and fingers,

The cool breath of Jack Frost
spreads across the glass
stretching crystals 
like a spider's web 
in 
from the edges 
of the window pane,

And just beyond
the exquisite crystalline shapes 
of every icy design
falls fleeting winter flakes
holding their uniquely 
single, 
once in lifetime existence 
type of shape,
   no two ever the same, 
a single moment in time
that will never exist again
falling as 
simple points of pale white.

Just irrelevant enough 
for us to never notice
yet beautiful enough 
to lament their absence. 

Moments so beautiful in their simplicity
and elegant in their creation
all existing for a brief instant 
for us to look upon 
through gilded eyes
their journey
as simple points of pale white.

untitled

I had at one point 

felt like an old white pine tree 

existing 

among the sorrows and seeds 

of other things memories;

   until I found the breeze 

   that came from 

   thousands upon thousands 

   of miles away, 

Gliding and swaying 

over the world

until finally

swimmming among my leaves 

reminding me 

of more that I am, 

I had held this view 

for so long 

with my roots 

digging deep into the ground 

unmoving

until one day 

this breeze came along 

and found me

reminding me 

of more that I am,

One of my many arms 

let fall 

one of my many seeds 

and along the swift wind 

it went 

from here to there 

taking all my memory with it, 

In the dirt and soil 

with all the thriving life 

it went into the earth 

and found meaning 

once again,

Life had found this seed 

and with it 

had begun to find the sun

again,

It had begun 

the first steps 

to becoming a new tree 

of its own 

and somehow reminded me 

of more that I am. 

-Armando Torres

only accessed through recollection

"only accessed through recollection"

I watch my memory 

dissolve into time

fading away 

as a velvety mist 

of feelings and burdens

leaving behind 

barely a trace 

they were ever 

even there,

Like my icy breath

sliding out over my lips

fading

into the winter air

going from 

elegant icy lines 

to blending in to a silky haze,

   memories slowly eroding away 

   into almost nothing

   under the constant grind 

of denial and trauma and regret;

We are only 

ever so lucky 

to feel the grooves and textures

of what beautiful memories felt like 

only a few times;

   And never lucky enough 

   to get a detailed glimpse 

   of what the memory was

to begin with;

Formlessly existing somewhere 

among the blackness of thought

as we breath in time

and exhale memory

   eventually

   losing any evidence 

   that those memories

were ever even real.

-Armando Torres

voracious appetite

"voracious appetite"

I'm getting eaten alive 

by my emotions,

   they're cleaning me down 

   to the bone,

chewing through the gristle, 

   ripping apart my tendons,

tearing my meat from bone;

   a pack of hungry hyenas 

   gorging as they splay me open

   with me foolishly 

trying to scoop back in 

   everything crimson 

that is spilling out

from within;

My screams muffled down 

by their primal,

gutteral growls of feasting

silently kept 

behind my closed lips;

I'm left as a walking cadaver 

   in moments 

   they have had their fill

with large chunks 

   of body 

missing,

stiffly lumbering along 

trying to get inside 

before their next meal 

begins;

before 

I get pulled and yanked 

from one side to the other 

by my flesh

in their ravenous jaws,

It all, sadly 

keeps growing back however 

just for it all 

to never satiate 

their rapacious hunger.

-Armando Torres

Things i think i lost (version 2)

"Things i think i lost"

I think I must have lost 

my honesty 

somewhere on the wind

after I told you how I felt;

   I know I dropped 

   my courage 

   somewhere beside the road

   when I said 

   I could be that person for you;

I thought I had gained 

more than I was giving up

but ended up leaving behind

so many things 

not knowing I was changing;

   realizing now

   I never should have given away 

so easily

   all those things 

I wish I could have back;

You were my deconstruction.

   Pieces of myself started 

   to shake loose and fall off like 

   some kind of

   old machine still churning 

   and shaking

   for a purpose no longer important;

Trying to find myself again

I left behind 

my confidence 

below the white pine 

on the bench 

I used to visit

when sadness had me suffocating;

I lost my intellect 

at some bar 

in some glass 

I was drinking from, 

   my imagination vanished 

   when I set it down 

   on the corner of fifth, 

it must have been stolen 

or taken 

by mistake 

or I may have given it away; 

My optimism was pulled from me 

by the dreary cold of winter, 

gracefully touching its chill 

on my neck 

as I spent 

all those dark hours 

alone in bed;

Though

they continue to fall away 

like an old structure

missing its foundation

barely staying upright 

as time rots it 

away

around the edges and from within;

I stand upright 

still not broken 

missing pieces

though maybe only a little bent

but still not broken.

-Armando Torres