all my mistakes

"all my mistakes"
Is it self destructive 
to think that maybe 
I deserve this,

When looking back on all 
the people I have lost,
people that were important to me,

would it be so hard to admit
that I do this 
with reasons 
I don't quite understand,

Insecurities that stem from 
growing up and being discarded 
when I wasn't needed,

From hurt that happened 
by being vulnerable,
letting people close 
only for them to push me away,

Years of that growing up 
and now 
I only allow myself 
a certain amount of vulnerability 
before I, myself
start pulling away
from everything,

My mind tells me to do this 
before they can hurt me, 

It's a self fulfilling prophecy 
that I've told before
and I've lost relationships 
because of it,
lost people dear to me,

There's no fixing 
what has already happened,
no looking back without regret,

I will end up alone 
because I cannot fix this part of me,
my soul was trying to protect me 
from all the hurt
but I just ended up 
with the sharpest pain in the end.

-Armando Torres