Our Places

"Our Places"
The dead faces stare blankly back at me facing forward from the walls, stiff and eyes wide there to stay and stare where I look and pretend perhaps they are not there.  The darkness slithers over everything as it does always into every corner except unto those faces.  Dark thoughts of the most terrible kind find me this night and I cry for my regrets and yet only leave with the stained mind of a life not worth living; and I am reminded.  I have found that which someone else perhaps was looking for because these horrors have me tortured and torn leaving me a pathetic mess of fear and regret.  And I lay and pray and cry and stay inside this darkness forever forgetting what the day looks like and instead realizing my hell has found me.  Oh the places I had yet to see.
-Armando Torres

Where are You?

Where are you
because I seem I can only remember you now
and every time I look around 

I find you've been gone for a very long time.

I don't believe this world my eyes see,
all this yellow grass and those chubby bees, 

these trees of autumn leaves. 

I look around and refuse to believe 

all that this world 

would have me look upon and ponder, is this real?

only to have my answers work within the confines of my wonder.

Where did it all go because its still here
right in front of me to see.

I wish I could spend another
intimate
second
hidden
on those empty benches
kissing another kiss, with you,

but I can't find
any of the daylight
or even the bitter cold of night
like I remember.

I can't find any other day like those we took 

even though
its all
still there when I look.

My memory continues to show me my time without it all.

I linger about now and wait every year when you come here
to visit
my gravestone
but time has shown me
another summer
without you and your visit.
Where are you
because I can still remember you
but every time I look around I realize
I've been gone
for a very long time.
-Armando Torres

"If..."

"If..."
Why is it when
there are things I see
your face
it seems
always appears.
I can't hear a song
or breath the air
without the thought
of where we were
just a time ago
filling my mind
and withering my will
to move.
I could
if
by chance
live the rest
without my past
I would relish a bliss
of ignorance
and say goodbye
to regret and fear,
I should however
never forget
those moments we shared
we thought were the rest of our lives,
a whole lifetime spent
I wish I could forget
but know shouldn't
because even though
you're gone now
I always everyday
visit your grave.
-Armando

I Know Now...

"I Know Now..."
Its gone,
those days we knew
would never end.
Gone Goodbye,
all over again,
I remember because
its all still there.
it feels
as if it never left.
I wish we knew
then
how bad it would hurt
because then
love
would likely be
a game
we never played.
The taste of this
bittersweet defeat
lingers far longer
than me never knowing.
I would never know
your kiss,
never to feel the naked brush
of your skin against mine,
I would always dine
without your judgmental eyes,
being glad I lived alone,
would have sat on the couch
by myself to watch
television
and laugh with the empty room,
I would watch through
my window
as other couples passed
never knowing that game
they were playing,
but always knowing
deep down
I wish I knew
what it felt like.
-Armando Torres

my beautiful mistake

"my beautiful mistake"
I knew then
I only regretted
having should have,
I never knew
you would be
so cruel,
the echoes
sway back and forth
inside my head
and yet
all I can hear
are the soft droplets
of rain.
I wanted to say
the right thing,
the one thing,
but I can no longer hear
what we said
in those last moments.
Your last words
just echo
back and forth
as a banging
inside my head.
I stand now
drenched
outside in darkness
wanting still
to say
so many things,
instead stand now
eyes upward,
lost
in the falling rain,
living
my beautiful mistake.
-Armando Torres

blank space

'blank space"
remember when we laid on the carpet for hours
boxes all about, dishes un-packed,
laid there and stared,
empty walls to look at and
new counters,
smiled at all the blank space
because this was our first place.
remember when we fell asleep on the couch
blanket snug around, t.v. still on,
laid there and slept,
too cold inside on those winter days
to lay alone on the couch,
we just kissed all the cold away,
we used to talk and laugh
took baths together, had our pictures on the walls together,
burned boredom together,
but now we barely know each other,
just have those stares
on our faces
to read all the words we didn't say to each other,
remember when the cold inside felt colder when the bed was for one,
when the couch had no one,
when we finally found the words we shouldn't have said and said them,
when the walls and counters became empty again,
when we plastered over the holes
cleaned the halls
packed the boxes
and stared at all the blank space again.
-Armando Torres

another day

"another day"

I drink with the night, my ally, my comrade

and laugh at all the things I do 

I've done and might,

drink another glass

cry 

and regret those more the more I drink,

find my hole, my place, this sink,

vomiting
I regret more the things I drink,

its all past, all gone and done

and this toilet bowel 

smells sour,

I've gone and drank away another day

passed the midnight hour

and I sit where I should stay

head hung low over my toilet bowel

waiting for the day.

-Armando Torres

the closer I stand

"the closer I stand"
its not like I wanted this,
I did not intend to say bye like this
but here we are in this moment again,
instead
i prefer yesterday
before these mistakes were ever made,
or the day prior
before I knew the lies you liar,
its ok though
because I have already lit this fire
and there's no stopping those warm yellows
from burning everything and leaving me all warm and happy,
because the bitterness melts quicker
the closer I stand,
so
I raise my hands
and feel the warmth
of whats left;
on my palms,
the fire feels so much better
the closer I stand.
-Armando Torres