always there

"always there"

I can feel it there 

when I hear a piano playing 

or when I hear 

the sadness in someone's singing, 

I can feel the delicate pressure 

behind my eyes 

as I listen 

to the elegant plucking 

of certain guitar strings, 

It's there when there's silence 

and it's just me 

and the sunset 

alone together

for a few moments 

before the blues of night 

spread across the sky

and everything in me changes 

from a barely held together 

type of strength 

to a fraying of emotion,

It releases through my skin 

and in my tears 

and the pressure that was there 

pushing against me 

that I was holding back 

goes away,

Like holding my breath 

for a long moment

and longer still

and longer

and finally 

letting it out 

the air 

in my lungs 

through my mouth

and feeling the moment again,

The relief 

cascades up my spine 

as I listen 

to the quiet swaying 

of the water 

against the shore,

the muted sounds of everything 

hang in the air 

and the world becomes quiet 

and I can feel it there 

amongst the silence,

Always waiting 

just beyond

the seconds of any given moment, 

ready 

to be pulled 

into existence 

once again

every time 

I breath in.

-Armando Torres

secretion

"secretion"

have you ever seen vaginal secretions 

under a microscope,

it's beautiful,

it looks like 

early morning frost forming 

on a clear glass window

amidst a winter's dying day

just as dusk begins to fall 

and the warm orange glow 

of a fire 

dances on the walls,

like geometric art 

stretching out

into a type of 

natural symmetry 

beyond our simple comprehension,

like flowers growing toward the heavens

leaning into the sunlight,

   arranging its petals 

   to the golden ratio,

or like grecian architecture,

with columns and walls

adorned with extravagant designs

and breathtaking textures,

it's like a godsend,

a secret message 

in another language 

that only needs to be learned,

an alluring secret

that hides behind 

shapes 

that are so exquisite,

it's beautiful 

and I recommend 

you see it.

-Armando Torres

i need it

"i need it"

I grit my teeth 

and push back tears 

and swallow 

the scraping lumps in my throat, 

I need all of it, 

   I want the stabbing pain 

   upon my heart, 

to feel the existential flesh 

rip open and tear apart 

like a slicing knife tearing through 

the folly of my mind, 

I want to become something 

other than this, 

I don't want to find satisfaction 

in happiness, 

would rather fine tune 

to the misery 

and relish in its aftermath 

becoming something 

that looks at memories 

for the pain they contain 

and drinks it in 

as a more suiting consolation, 

I want enough of it 

so that I can justify everything 

that I have done 

and give purpose for everything 

that is to come.

-Armando Torres

a mere moment

"a mere moment"

a single solitary snowflake 

still clinging 

to the icy chill 

swimming on the air,

desperately trying 

not to melt away 

into a simple droplet of moisture 

that one would not be able 

to distinguish 

from the other droplets 

that are among the puddles 

under neon lights

on the sidewalk 

by the gas station,

a miraculous shape 

of geometry and nature 

coming together 

along nature's lines 

with the laws of science 

to form this extravagant design 

of beauty and form and elegance 

that no wide eyed, 

lumbering human 

could ever see normally,

details so rare 

it only ever occurs once 

and is gone forever, 

a mere moment 

so beautiful 

before it all just melts away 

with the rest 

without it 

ever being noticed.

-Armando Torres

traces of the past

```

"traces of the past"

This is so new to me

not because this is the first time 

but just that 

it has been 

a really long time,

I'm seeing you 

in all my thoughts,

feeling you 

in all my empty parts of me,

craving 

to hold you 

as you rest your head 

on my chest,

day dreaming 

about your smile 

and the awkward way 

you joke with me,

it's growing, 

this feeling 

that I'm feeling for you

and I don't want to lose it,

it's exciting 

to have you in my mind 

right before I sleep 

thinking about seeing you 

again 

the next day,

there is a fear though 

that I may be too broken 

and it might make me leave 

without saying goodbye,

to be selfish 

and think that maybe 

you will be happier

without me,

to avoid any pain 

that I may cause you 

but then 

I let you in again 

and all that goes away,

the fear turns to hope,

I just hope 

we aren't making a mistake.

-Armando Torres

golden lines

```

"golden lines"

I told you that I was broken 

and instead of using it 

as an excuse 

you helped mend the pieces,

you lifted my chin 

as I looked down in shame 

and admitted

that I wasn't whole 

and haven't been 

for some time now,

you drew my gaze into yours 

and you told me 

that it's okay,

You gently ran 

the tips of your fingers 

along the cracks 

of my psyche 

and felt the spaces 

where the pieces 

were missing,

I explained 

that I had been 

holding myself together 

through the pain 

and that I had lost 

some of myself 

as the years have gone by, 

and you softly quieted 

my despair 

and said it's okay,

You poured yourself 

into the spaces 

and pulled me back together,

a golden mending 

glimmering along the erratic 

and jagged lines 

of my fractures,

spreading out

like a spider's web 

all across me 

and instead 

of using it as an excuse 

to leave 

you loved me harder 

and mended my pieces

leaving behind 

mended golden lines

that made me whole

once again.

-Armando Torres

godhead

"godhead"

There are things I have lost 

that are now 

separated 

beyond time and space,

   places I can't go 

   and people I cannot see,

I am beyond reach 

as they are to me,

So I take this mixture 

I have concocted 

that allows me 

to build worlds 

inside my mind,

Where all that I lost will still 

be with me,

and it isn't so lonely 

if I just ignore 

the fact 

that it's all not real,

But it is!

It all does exist somewhere 

on some kind of plane 

in some far away place 

where the actions taken 

by the things created here 

are beyond my own influence, 

If I just don't impose my will 

onto them 

then they will act 

of their own accord,

then they are real, 

it is all real, 

I am then 

like a god 

and they are beyond my will,

They exist as their own beings 

because they will it to be

and not me,

And so, 

I am no longer lonely 

when I have all this love 

to give 

to all my children,

they are all real

and I am like a god

all born by our own 

divine will.

-Armando Torres

i miss it...

"i miss it..."

I miss the years 

where simple things felt different,

like when a movie was coming out 

on the big screen 

and people had to wait 

in line 

just to get a ticket,

or when a group of people 

at a small venue 

had infectious energy 

for the local band 

that was playing,

I remember video rental places 

and renting something new 

without having to form 

any kind of opinion 

other than 

excitement 

before I even had it in my hand,

or small businesses

having more random 

live music sessions,

I liked it better when 

the internet was mostly still 

just beginning 

and opinions 

weren't considered factual,

when online arguments 

were still mostly pointless,

I like the years better when 

there were TV shows on 

actual TV channels 

and watching whatever was on 

instead of scrolling through 

endless menus,

having Cartoon Network on 

and watching Dexter's Lab 

or discovering anime 

for the first time on Toonami,

I can still remember 

working my job 

and looking forward 

to when new music came out 

on a Tuesday 

and this way 

I could have something 

to listen to 

the whole week,

or burning CDs 

and making the sickest playlists,

fine tuning the selection 

and finding the perfect order 

to place them in

so I never had to skip,

I miss the years 

where I felt happier 

in a shitty world 

because the small things 

just felt more important.

-Armando Torres

it's happening

"it's happening"

It happened, 

you exist now 

in that space in my mind 

where I think about you 

all the time,

I think about 

how you rest your head 

on my chest, 

the way you smell 

when I put my nose 

against your hair, 

how I crave to gently kiss 

your forehead 

and how I hold you tight 

as you joke with me,

 

Sharing our stories 

with each other 

as we laugh away 

the hours of the day,

   as the colors of daylight 

   slowly turn 

   into the hues of dusk, 

never noticing 

the light blues 

turning into the shades 

of night,

I just listen to you 

and hear about how you grew up,

     how you had to build 

your strength on your own, 

heard about the stretches of years 

where you felt so alone 

and depressed, 

how life felt its heaviest 

and as I listened 

I could feel in myself 

feeling 

how I don't ever want you 

to be unhappy like that, 

how you deserve so much more 

than that, 

How I want to take on 

that responsibility 

and try to make you feel 

your best 

everyday, 

That's what exists inside me

now,

and I'm just trying 

to come to terms with it,

because it can be 

kinda scary.

-Armando Torres