i need it

"i need it"

I grit my teeth 

and push back tears 

and swallow 

the scraping lumps in my throat, 

I need all of it, 

   I want the stabbing pain 

   upon my heart, 

to feel the existential flesh 

rip open and tear apart 

like a slicing knife tearing through 

the folly of my mind, 

I want to become something 

other than this, 

I don't want to find satisfaction 

in happiness, 

would rather fine tune 

to the misery 

and relish in its aftermath 

becoming something 

that looks at memories 

for the pain they contain 

and drinks it in 

as a more suiting consolation, 

I want enough of it 

so that I can justify everything 

that I have done 

and give purpose for everything 

that is to come.

-Armando Torres