my life

"my life"
this life I have
has had no joy
in such a long time,

I barely remember how I was
Or
who that person is...
     ...In that foggy dream
I have had
from a time
that feels so long since passed,

Everything that person was
Seems like something I made up,
Someone that was never really here,
I feel so lost,
I hate the life that I have,
these choices I have made,
Nothing about this reality adds up
To anything for me.

I feel I exist just for the pain I feel,
just to fail again and again,

then to wait for the anguish
of another day
just to fail at the end.
-Armando Torres

every moment...

"every moment..."

Every moment of every day

     is a struggle,

I feel only the dreadful pit

every great poet before me has ever described,

The saddest part of my life

     is that

the happiest I ever was

would be in moments I was completely alone,

I am slowly learning

     that Other people

are not worth these suicidal thoughts,

That society doesn't even really need to exist,

That people...

and me included,

should just vanish

and be excluded from fucking reality,

all together.

This experiment of emotions and joy and pain

has failed me

and I want to turn in 

my ticket and not exist.

-Armando Torres

lost soul

"lost soul"
I think about my death often now,
I tell myself
To hold on,
That these are just thoughts,
I feel it near though,
Like the Grim Reaper himself
is watching from the corner,
waiting to take my hand,
wanting to be the first
to greet me
and show me this other land,
     of lost souls,
Feeling no remorse for watching me die,
Or
Sympathy for the regret I feel,
He would guide me
to my everlasting pain,
I would eventually forget your face,
I would never know where this pain
first came from,
Only know that it is my existence.
-Armando Torres

sense of peace

"sense of peace"
I reach to wipe the sleep from my eyes
and realize
that life with no meaning
isn't really worth living,
whats the point of waking up every morning
with no joy or hope,

the swell of tears begin
to brim again
behind my eyes
and I think,
today is as good as any,
I'm just a blip in time in the end,
no more important than the next moment,

there's some sense of peace
I feel
knowing all these emotions
would vanish,
a feeling of relief
like a sigh of fresh air,

I know what people would say to me
if they knew how I felt
but there's no one
and finding value
in someone else's eyes
holds no value for me,
I need to find value
in myself
and that
is no longer something I need,

I'm tired of feeling like this
and my eyes
need peace,
it would be worth the few tears
a few of them would shed
but again,
it would only be for a blip in time in the end,
just a moment,
a thought easily forgotten,
a memory not worth remembering,
even if it held some genuine pain,
in the end however,
no one would choose to remember,
an easy choice to make
to avoid any kind of pain.
With time everything passes and fades away.
-Armando Torres

This is How I say Goodbye

"This is How I say Goodbye"
There's shame in who I am,
I truly don't believe I should be alive,
The essence of...
     Who....
          am I?
     To me...
really feels like a burden
to anyone who allows me in their life,

My insecurities
have dictated my worth
in my own head,
and
I've been told
I don't feel anything beyond selfishness,

I am convinced I am not worth it,

I can see the knife in the drawer but I won't take it,
I stare at the Draino but I won't drink it,
because
     when I do it,
I want it to kill me.
Not leave me alive.
There can be no attempts at attention,
     no waking up in shame
          in a bed
               clinging to life
                    having to explain.

I want to Not exist anymore,
      to never have been a part of this world,
I want to Not have worth in anyone's life,
I want to Not think about my own life,
I want to Not have to try anymore,

I look around and realize
I'm a coward for wanting this,
     for not thinking of outside of my own selfishness,
For not having the courage to try,
I've lost my way
and the empty space between me and the wall
seems a good place as any to lose myself,

Sometimes I pray to God...
but not to bring me good fortune or health or to be thankful,
     I pray to God to end my life,
          perhaps in an accident,
like my car going off a cliff
or
a lighting bolt tearing my soul into pieces,
because I'm a coward to live
and
a coward to die,
I feel too much
and I don't want to feel anything anymore.
This is how I say goodbye.
By staying alive and selling my soul.
-Armando Torres

my shroud

"my shroud"
there's a darkness that follows me,
its as if though it flows with me,
     like a cape attached at the neck,
          with all its glory
               draped over my face
but worn as anguish,

it hangs heaviest
when happiness
seems to linger in the air,

never allowing the breeze to touch it
as it wraps itself around me,
     cloaking me in despair,

its intentions and desires are all I feel
     and I fear
once it no longer finds my misery flavorful
it will abandon me,
knowing it took everything it could from me,
leaving me shattered and naked,
doing all the hurt it could do,
leaving behind an empty soul
that never again will be able to feel anything,
nor remember a time beyond this emptiness,

left to dwindle away into the vast blankness
to become a shroud of my own,
to feed on the anguish of others
so that I may once remember
what it felt to feel anything.
-Armando Torres

heavy hours

"heavy hours"
From the end of another dreary day,
I stare from the precipice
into another sleepless night,

Slowly the heavy hours
burn my eyes red,

the salty sting on the edges
reminds I have been awake
for a very long time.

I realize once again
that I will find no rest tonight,

My mind wanders through
the maze of thoughts
of gloomy designs
Searching for
that one dream
that would put my mind
at ease
and let me sleep,
But
it is never found
for this tortured heart of mine
because it does not exist,

Instead, the dread of the another day
is all that remains in the end,
seeping in from the edges
tainting my thoughts
and leaving a shell
hollowed out
of all the he was.
-Armando Torres

never hidden

"never hidden"
I hear the whispers at night sometimes,
when silence fills all the ambient air
and darkness drapes low over the walls,
its there
in that horrifying stillness
where the murmurs reach out
from some unholy place and find me.
-Armando Torres

broken bare

"broken bare"

My misery feels as if it has always been here,
There's memory now 

lingering on the air, 

a longing 

for a joyous time that is no longer,

My sorrow hangs low on my face
Sinking my eyes into their holes

and sagging my age over my skin, 

I look tired because i am tired,

My mind slowly declines into despair 

as the ache of my life hits suddenly and often,

I haven't seen a day 

without the twinge of gray everywhere 

in such a long time,

My misery hides behind these joyous eyes,
Behind outstretched smiles,
Behind my lies of happiness,

I no longer want to say anything or let my inner self out 

because i feel i will further 

be deconstructed,

I have been stripped down and broken bare,
I am only a shell of what i was,
I hold on to what precious little i have of myself in secret,
Away from all the things that would have what is left erased 

for their own personal gain,
To bend and break me to their will 

until i am no longer me 

but instead who they think i am and should be.

-Armando Torres

pain that was

"pain that was"
I stand in front of this mirror
grabbing the sink
watching this tear
slowly slide over the valleys of my face,
pulling my hurt
through my eye
realizing
all the pain that was
is within this single tear.

Seeping in from the edges
of my perception
these feelings bleed through
the fabric of time and space
and I am only able to grasp
in thought,
their essence...
their remnants,
but cannot detect with my senses,
only ever feel them
pour through my soul
leaving their echoes
for me to reflect, out upon the world.

And yet, for now...
I stare at this tear sliding
Over the grooves of my face,
wondering from what ethereal plane
this elegant shimmering drip
has been pulled from,
as it so delicately leaves behind
it's salty remains on my lips,
wondering now...
if,
these emotions ever existed in the first place.
-Armando Torres

smiles

"smiles"
They say it's anxiety.
But i know that this dread in my heart
Comes from some other place,

     All these faces I see
          Whisper their secrets
Tightly from the skin
     of their lips,
Looking to see
          if anyone is listening.

Their distrustful eyes
     slide from side to side
          revealing the lies
               their smiles try to keep hidden.

I, 

   However, 

          Am listening.

It's like a different language.

They say one thing
     And
          Mean something else entirely,

They think that i don't know...

They cackle their arrogant laughs
Sharing in the fact
That they think their secrets are safe,

But I cackle that last laugh
Because i know i went mad
A long while ago.

Only knowing now
My sanity
to them

Is only valid within my own dread.
-Armando Torres

call to you

"call to you"
There was a time
in the not too distant past,
Where all I was
     Was perhaps,
An enemy to myself.
And things were not fine,
For you and I.
There was a thought
I would just not let die however,
A thought I knew to be true,
That I love you.
With the very essence of my existence.
No matter where you go,
Or how far apart we are,
My soul
Will always
Call out
To you.
-Armando Torres

para ti

"para ti"
Por qué cuando te veo,
I see not only you
Pero nosotros,

Everything I have ever done,
All my choices I have ever made,
Me trajo aquí, contigo,
My life, mi vida,
Everthing I am
Was always meant for you,
Y ahora tenemos
     the rest of our lives
Para amarnos
El uno al otro,
Te quiero.
I love you.
Yessenia. Con toda mi alma.
-Armando Torres

I remember when...

"I remember when..."
I remember when you finally reached out again
after ten years,
and the nervousness that came with it.
At first there was apprehension to what it meant,
six months later
and I realized I've always loved you.

Our history runs long
allowing
for this connection to run deep.

We did try to keep each other away
but even then
that time spent apart
proved what we both knew,
that you loved me and I, you.

I remember the moment I kissed you
after ten years
of not hearing your voice,
I could now hear how excited you were
because you wanted my kiss.
A choice we both knew we wanted
and made
well before the moment
our lips came together again
for the first time in over a decade.

It wasn't long after
we realized all those feelings we tried to deny
were still alive and thriving.
And it won't be long now
when we know
spending the rest of our lives together
will be the only way
to say thank you to each other.
-Armando Torres

you win

"you win"
The first time I kissed you
I felt it in my soul
and I saw the history of our lives in a flash.
I closed my eyes not knowing then
what I know now
or what it meant,
only knew what I felt was real love,
but in actuality,
     it was something else,
          something more than just my idea of love,

I didn't know what love was then,
did not understand it.
I only had the feeling for it,
so therefore only knew
what it felt like
under confusion and apprehension,

I know now it was the beginning
of learning how intricate love really was,
how it is now,
and how there will ever only be a lucky few to ever experience it,

The complexities of love's interconnected network
throughout my soul and through my emotions
connect everything I could ever feel for you,
I understand now you are the love of my life,
forever then and now,
since way back when before either of us knew,
it is the way its always been,
I love you and you knew you loved me
way before I knew what love was.
So you win.
-Armando Torres

looking back

"looking back"
As much as I am ready to leave
there is a scary sadness
trying to creep in,
I feel it at the sides of my eyes,
a pressure trying to swell,
I want to cry
but need to know the answer to why
before these tears can fall,

For now,
they just linger behind these stares of mine
as I stretch my lips into smiles,
for all to see.

I suppose change is the reason why
and even though
whatever
this
future
holds
for me,
      is exciting,
I look back and see a history
that at one point felt like home.

There will be a point some time in the future
where I will walk among these sames spots
with the echoes of memory flooding through,
and finally these tears will fall.

But for now,
I'm caught
looking back before the time has passed.
-Armando Torres

memory

"memory"
In the wake of the rage and pain
I still stand here with the pieces
drowning in my shame,

wondering if it all ever happened,

the sounds of what was said
have long since passed
leaving nothing left
but the deafening harmonies of memory,

Alone now inside those old thoughts
swallowed by the silence,
the echoes of my rage does not fade
existing now as the ringing in my ears
leaving me inside memory to replay all of my regret,

I hate how it all happened,
nothing you did deserved this.

I carry this hurt in the wake of how it happened
and finally feel like I deserve this,
it all leaves its painful parts, forever etched,
staying always
tender to the touch,
leaving nothing more
but the empty sounds of memory.
-Armando Torres

what is love...

"what is love..."
Love is too complex to ever be any one thing,
it goes beyond understanding,
and lingers on the fringes of instinct,
it's here where love likes to hide its reasons.

There's some sort of mysticism in it that exists
once our minds become self aware of it,
no longer
easily accessible as the years pile on.

Hidden back behind emotional walls and early year traumas,
pushed so far into the furthest recesses of all our emotions,
we then question if love is even real,
never realizing love is what connects every emotion throughout
and without it
we do not feel them at all,
there is no sadness or happiness without love,
no anger, rage, or tranquility without it.

Love is the conduit through which we build ourselves,
it's never been just one thing,
it's as if our bodies were built for this exact experience,
becoming only attainable through self surrender,
once the life we live shows us things that builds our barriers.

But love is built into our instincts,
because it happens naturally
within every facet of our emotional complexity.
Only with time do we find ways to subvert it,
not noticing this goes against our very nature,
then becoming only a shell of a person.

So I talk to you now Yessenia,
this is all for you, everything I am,
I love you,
you are my life,
my love,
my instinct,
my nature,
I'm more a person with you in my life.
I love you Yessenia.
-Armando Torres

into place

"into place"
I can finally feel the pieces
healing
and it feels like a breath of fresh air.
There's a delicate kind of mending happening
that is pulling
these pieces back together and into place.

There was a significant amount of time
I spent living with these broken fragments
where I just accepted these tears
I cried at night.
Thought of ways I could die.
Looked for ways to numb the pain
and died
a thousand times in my head.

And
Somewhere along my flow of moments,
I forgot how it felt to not dread the day.

One can spend so much time lost in lonely thought
the world begins to feel so large,
and the space in between the pieces
too far,
to ever pull back into place,
too great to ever overcome,
they just slowly fade from memory
and drift beyond the ether
and into the void.
Leaving only a shell of a person
whom once had purpose.

Today,
I feel the mending.
I can feel the healing happening.
I can finally reach for the pieces
and hold them close
and hope to finally feel whole.
-Armando Torres

The superstition of coincidence

"The superstition of coincidence"

Outside of our ethereal bodies

there are no meanings

but only moments.

The illusion of regret

lives only 

within our hearts,

look long enough

for a reason

and superstition

will find you.

Forcing purpose to fade

and meaning manifesting

to take its place,

leaving now a moment

in the cosmos

forever yours.

So I wonder then

the meaning

of this sadness within my core,

because I know the superstition of coincidence

can give meaning

where there was none before.

I sit here with this autumn chill 

upon my icy cheeks

where it finds its meaning 

from my sadness

and know my suffering goes

unwitnessed.

And yet beneath this tree

among the falling autumn leaves

I find these tears of mine

mean nothing

but the sympathetic connection

to this moment,

serving as both memory and meaning,

but both do not exist outside my mind,

only the superstition of coincidence

has pushed relevance

into this unseen moment.

Where I exist.

Forever.

Unseen with only meaning.

-Armando Torres