Monday, May 27, 2024

all my mistakes





"all my mistakes"
Is it self destructive 
to think that maybe 
I deserve this,

When looking back on all 
the people I have lost,
people that were important to me,

would it be so hard to admit
that I do this 
with reasons 
I don't quite understand,

Insecurities that stem from 
growing up and being discarded 
when I wasn't needed,

From hurt that happened 
by being vulnerable,
letting people close 
only for them to push me away,

Years of that growing up 
and now 
I only allow myself 
a certain amount of vulnerability 
before I, myself
start pulling away
from everything,

My mind tells me to do this 
before they can hurt me, 

It's a self fulfilling prophecy 
that I've told before
and I've lost relationships 
because of it,
lost people dear to me,

There's no fixing 
what has already happened,
no looking back without regret,

I will end up alone 
because I cannot fix this part of me,
my soul was trying to protect me 
from all the hurt
but I just ended up 
with the sharpest pain in the end.
-Armando Torres

Tuesday, April 30, 2024

The White Pine





"The White Pine"
Long before I was ever here 
there that tree stood,
a giant white pine 
towering over the neighborhood,
witnessing memories into existence,
families growing, people passing, 
friends leaving, 
lovers sneaking kisses 
underneath its looming shadow,

and long before then 
it was watching as the other pines were 
being cut 
at their trunks 
and uprooted by the stumps 
they left behind 
leaving no trace of what was 
there 
before,

earth moved and pushed 
and covered over 
with concrete, 
roads and homes appeared 
in those spaces, 

witnessing even before then 
the young fawns grazing for berries,
baby bluebirds squawking 
for their mother's food, 
dense wooded areas 
of cedars and sequoias, 
   watching 
   as a different kind of life 
   moved through,

standing tall and strong 
with all the other trees
believing 
this would be the state of things, 

now as I stand here looking 
up at this tree, 
this beautiful white pine, 
I see only sidewalks and concrete, 
yellow grass and side streets,
square homes and garbage cans,
there are no other trees here anymore,
no others like this giant white pine, 
its all alone 
still standing strong 
even after everything 
it has seen.
-Armando Torres

Monday, April 29, 2024

The Chair



"The Chair"
I feel weary 
like that old chair I pass 
that sits by a tree 
collecting its own moss,

it has been ages 
since anyone has sat in it,
   it has become a part 
   of the tired brown scenery 
as everyone ignores it 
as they all 
walk past,

time has begun to grow up its legs 
as its color slowly fades 
to muted grays and light hues 
of yellow,

a relic from bygone moments 
where its purpose was still relevant,

in its abandonment it has acquired 
its own earthy scent,
   a smell of rust and 
   dirt and grass,
its vinyl fabric has attained 
an aged hue of brown and yellow 
   as the birds and insects 
   find their own 
   personal moments upon it, 

spiders adorn its legs 
with magnificently designed homes 
of their own,
   spending their entire lives 
   here 
   catching flies 
underneath this chair 
before being plucked away 
   by a bluebird's beak 
for their babies,

nature moves and grows around this chair 
as I watch it every morning 
walking past,

one day however, it was gone, 
not in its place any longer, 
I saw it get picked up 
and thrown in the trash,

just as well though,
   it couldn't be there forever,
it left behind a plot of grass 
and weeds 
that grew to its shape 
on the ground,

it is no longer there when I walk past,
just an irrelevant memory now,
no one even notices it has disappeared,
it had become such a part 
of the weary scenery 
that now that its gone 
I see the weeds growing 
through the cracks in the concrete,
the trees for the leaves 
they do not have,
this corner of nature 
for the garbage it has,

I see now only 
where this chair once was.
-Armando Torres

Thursday, April 25, 2024

Mimic




"Mimic"
I hear breathing underneath my breath,
some other thing living alongside me,
I can feel its presence 
right behind my head,
some fiendish thing 
averted from my sight,
   existing where I cannot see it,

In my moments of loneliness 
I know I am not alone
for it mimics my every movement 
perfectly,
learning my every emotion exactly,
and casts no reflection 
upon the mirrors for me to see,

Always hidden 
right behind me 
in perfect synchronicity,

Among the darkness 
behind my closed eyes 
   however,
I sometimes can hear its 
breath fall out of sync 
with mine
and I open my eyes 
thwarting its attempt 
to latch upon my existence
as it tries 
to devour what I am,
   it then 
   retreats 
   with soft breathing 
slowly returning 
to its perfect mimicry.