sanctum (second draft)

"sanctum"

I keep my little slice of meaning

hidden away deep 

inside 

somewhere,

away from prying eyes.  

Some kind of truth that 

will be linked 

only to me for always.

   A meaning untainted 

   by the stains of a dirty world,

Something that can only be kept inside

and belong uniquely to me;

it's my own truth, 

my center, my sanity;

Never to be 

felt or known or touched

by anyone else;

Some kind of inspiration 

that has birthed all that I am, 

created solely

from all 

my own 

years of life,

Existing 

as a formless shape within my soul 

deep inside myself

swaying and flowing

through my blood and 

interconnected cells,

Even if the world were to try 

   to splay me open 

   and search for it 

   amongst

   my spilled out innards, 

it would never come to fruition, 

never becoming something 

for them to own 

for it would disappear 

just as quickly and fragile 

as mist on the wind;

Hazing out 

as soon as the air touched it.

Becoming another tragic thing lost 

to the greedy prying fingers 

of the world;

A sincerity that was mine 

and mine alone 

would be gone

leaving behind 

a husk of a person 

to walk the earth;

Woefully, with the more things I lose, 

the greater the distance 

between me and everyone else grows,

   leaving me to

   meander along

whatever is left of my time

here on earth

without my truth and my soul.

-Armando Torres

my intangible sanctum

"my intangible sanctum"

I keep my little slice of meaning

hidden away deep 

inside 

somewhere,

away from prying eyes.  

Some kind of truth that belongs 

only to me for always.

   A meaning untainted 

   by the stains of a dirty world,

Something that can only be kept inside; 

and belong only to me,

my own truth, 

my center, my sanity,

Never to be felt or known or touched

by anyone else.  

Some kind of inspiration 

that has birthed all that I am, 

created only 

from all my own 

years of life,

Existing 

as a formless shape within my soul 

deep inside myself, 

Even if the world were to try 

   to splay me open 

   and search for it 

   amongst

   my spilled out innards, 

it would never come to fruition, 

never becoming something 

for them to own 

for it would disappear 

just as quickly and fragile 

as mist on the wind;

Hazing out as the air touched it.

Becoming another tragic thing lost 

to the greedy prying fingers 

of the world;

A sincerity that was mine 

and mine alone 

would be gone

leaving a husk of a person 

to walk the earth;

And with the more things I lose

the distance between me 

and everyone else 

would grow 

leaving me to

meander along

what is left of my time

without my truth and my soul.

-Armando Torres

Plangency

"Plangency"
If ever 
there was a space 
where my sorrow was beautiful,
   it would be there
   next to your piano,
letting its notes 
   paint out loud
   the melancholy in heart
   for all to hear,
allowing my sorrow 
to be spun into 
fine silk 
of black crushed velvet
sheening in melody and rhythm.

Closing my eyes
swirling inside a dream within a dream,
knowing if I were
to wake up tomorrow 
and grab a moment
from the infinitely cascading 
reflections of thoughts,
I would still hear 
your piano notes 
in all my waking moments.

-Armando Torres

lesson never learned

"lesson never learned"
I've grown used to rejection 
   even if it doesn't 
   make it any easier,
I've been on the losing end 
of attention 
many times before 
   and even though my heart 
   has calloused over 
from so many years of experience 
   there are still those rare moments 
   the hardened skin loosens 
   and falls away 
leaving a small tender weakness 
   vulnerable enough 
   to the hurt all over again, 
it's just enough space 
for something to sneak in 
and make me believe 
like an idiot 
that perhaps this time is different 
but it usually isn't,
   usually it's just another lesson 
   to lay on top 
of that vulnerable spot 
and begin hardening my skin again.

-Armando Torres

single

"single"

It's another tuesday 

and I'm contemplating 

if I should cook 

or go out,

it's about half passed six

and I'm starving,

the fear of missing out 

is really overlaying 

its heavy blanket 

over my shoulders,

it's just one of those days 

where life seems to be moving away 

from me 

and I look out the window 

from my single bedroom apartment 

curious 

of all those people moving about, 

can I go where you are going?

can I have a conversation about 

some random thing we find interesting?

maybe we can have another drink 

just so we can keep this convo going 

until it has dried up 

like an old grape 

and we sit in silence thinking 

of other things to say,

perhaps I over indulge 

and it makes the solitude at home 

feel like loneliness,

I'm trying to grab 

the fucking chicken 

out of the fridge but fuck it,

I'm grabbing my coat 

and eating out somewhere instead;

maybe I'll find another 

empty conversation to have

that will have me

forgetting that lonely apartment again.

-Armando Torres

into the aether (version 2)

"into the aether"

The music was playing 

in some house 

of a friend of a friend 

over on the north side of town;

in between the lulls of our talking 

I would look around 

and there you were,

   some stranger,

   standing across the room, 

Seeing you for the first time, 

   you looked back

and all the people faded away, 

It was the first time in a long while 

where my heart felt open to someone again,

I thought I had fallen in love, 

it was the first moments of our story together, 

I've had my chances at love,

had my 

once in a lifetime a few times 

and every time it ends 

I end up 

with more than a few regrets,

Would I change it? Hell no, 

although 

I do wish sometimes 

it didn't hurt this awful,

I would change some of the things 

that made us end, 

I would give up all my memories 

from since you left 

just so I could be back 

in that moment where 

I first saw you again,

I guess I'm a liar, 

I would change it all 

just for another fresh chance,

I wish what I know now 

I knew then 

so instead 

we'd still be writing 

our story together rather than 

me writing poetry alone 

reminiscing about back then,

But all our moments together 

permeate throughout all of space

and whatever was us

has already 

been absorbed 

between the particles of history

making disappear whatever it was 

that made us come together 

in the first place.

-Armando Torres

only way out is through

"only way out is through"

So many nights spent crying 

into a slobbering mess,

barely able to see anything 

through the red sting of my loneliness,

   existing amongst 

   a crushing and suffocating silence 

   pushing down on my shoulders,

sinking through the terrestrial plane

as the ground pulls away 

from me 

from overhead;

reaching up with outstretched fingers

grasping desparately at anything

as it all gets further away;

Falling through 

millions and millions of fathoms,

I didn't think it could go deeper;

I wanted to just ride my sadness 

straight to hell 

and hope I would just become 

another demon 

   but instead

   I met god somewhere down there 

   inside my deepest sorrows; 

in the furthest recesses 

of my own self hate, 

just waiting for me 

to find the right corner in my mind,

patiently existing somewhere 

between silence and meaning

whispering to me

it will be okay.

-Armando Torres

into the aether

"into the aether'

I've had my chances at love;

had my 

once in a lifetime a few times and every time

they've ended up 

with more than a few regrets;

When in it 

I never think it possible 

that I'm being such a damn ignorant idiot;

thinking that somehow 

I know what I know

and it's the truth 

just to realize later 

I had more than my fair share 

of the blame

in being a damn fool;

Once it's gone 

on whatever day it happens 

and I mean truly done, 

it doesn't matter what apology I have 

nor they 

because as the moments permeate 

throughout all of space

whatever that was us

has already been absorbed 

between the particles of energy and matter

dissipating into the past of rarefied aether

making disappear whatever it was

that ever made us come together

in the first place.

-Armando Torres

entangled

"entangled"
I got myself into a situation, 
I kissed you 
when I shouldn't have, 
I touched your face 
and said you were beautiful 
and even though it is true 
I should have kept those things internal, 
I shared an intimate moment with you 
when I should have kept it platonic, 
my heart isn't really where you 
think it is, 
I think it was our loneliness 
that had us kissing, 
I accidentally on purpose 
captured your heart 
and I don't want to hurt it.

-Armando Torres

innate continuance

"innate continuance"
What am I supposed to feel today? 
Or the next? 
the first one of the year; 

perhaps some kind of revelation 
or maybe 
just all the same things 
I already feel
   daring me to change, 

it feels inconsequential
hurling through space 
at speeds we barely even comprehend, 
spiraling like a corkscrew through 
a larger orbit, 

and moreso 
after eons and eons of time 
has passed 
the whole galaxy will have completed 
a single revolution 
and we will have vanished 
from time, 
   existing only 
   as a spectrum of light 
   that has long left this place, 
taking with it 
all our meaning 
as it also 
slowly disappears 
to the epochs of moments, 

We are all moving 
right now 
at one thousand miles per hour 
sitting at our desk or chair 
or just standing somewhere, 
as the earth rotates; 
   and the earth moves 
   around the sun 
   at 67,000 miles per hour 
as we fly through space 
with barely any acknowledgement of it;
with barely any change of our perception; 

The place I was sitting 
just a moment ago 
is not the same space 
I am sitting in now 
among the cosmos;

We will never be in 
the same exact spot again 
as it all expands, 

Stretching out further and further, 

Change is inherently 
a part of existence, 

So how am I supposed to feel 
at those cosmic levels?
or even right now in this moment?
 
It may all feel inconsequenstial. 

But right here, 
right now, 
I feel you and somewhere behind me
is a trail of my emotions
spreading out into the cosmos
like the wake of a boat;
  I just know
  I want to love you 
and capture our own moments 
inside the infinitely expanding cosmos; 

to be stripped away from that scale 
and focus infintely inward on us
to have our own moments 
inside the spectrum of light 
that we all 
will
eventually become
flying through the infinite cosmos.

-Armando Torres

Fleeting winter flakes

"Fleeting winter flakes"
Sitting inside 
looking out 
through 
ice chilled windows 
as the snow falls outside.

The cold wintery bite
reaches inside 
touching 
the cold fringes 
of my nose and fingers,

The cool breath of Jack Frost
spreads across the glass
stretching crystals 
like a spider's web 
in 
from the edges 
of the window pane,

And just beyond
the exquisite crystalline shapes 
of every icy design
falls fleeting winter flakes
holding their uniquely 
single, 
once in lifetime existence 
type of shape,
   no two ever the same, 
a single moment in time
that will never exist again
falling as 
simple points of pale white.

Just irrelevant enough 
for us to never notice
yet beautiful enough 
to lament their absence. 

Moments so beautiful in their simplicity
and elegant in their creation
all existing for a brief instant 
for us to look upon 
through gilded eyes
their journey
as simple points of pale white.

untitled

I had at one point 

felt like an old white pine tree 

existing 

among the sorrows and seeds 

of other things memories;

   until I found the breeze 

   that came from 

   thousands upon thousands 

   of miles away, 

Gliding and swaying 

over the world

until finally

swimmming among my leaves 

reminding me 

of more that I am, 

I had held this view 

for so long 

with my roots 

digging deep into the ground 

unmoving

until one day 

this breeze came along 

and found me

reminding me 

of more that I am,

One of my many arms 

let fall 

one of my many seeds 

and along the swift wind 

it went 

from here to there 

taking all my memory with it, 

In the dirt and soil 

with all the thriving life 

it went into the earth 

and found meaning 

once again,

Life had found this seed 

and with it 

had begun to find the sun

again,

It had begun 

the first steps 

to becoming a new tree 

of its own 

and somehow reminded me 

of more that I am. 

-Armando Torres

only accessed through recollection

"only accessed through recollection"

I watch my memory 

dissolve into time

fading away 

as a velvety mist 

of feelings and burdens

leaving behind 

barely a trace 

they were ever 

even there,

Like my icy breath

sliding out over my lips

fading

into the winter air

going from 

elegant icy lines 

to blending in to a silky haze,

   memories slowly eroding away 

   into almost nothing

   under the constant grind 

of denial and trauma and regret;

We are only 

ever so lucky 

to feel the grooves and textures

of what beautiful memories felt like 

only a few times;

   And never lucky enough 

   to get a detailed glimpse 

   of what the memory was

to begin with;

Formlessly existing somewhere 

among the blackness of thought

as we breath in time

and exhale memory

   eventually

   losing any evidence 

   that those memories

were ever even real.

-Armando Torres

voracious appetite

"voracious appetite"

I'm getting eaten alive 

by my emotions,

   they're cleaning me down 

   to the bone,

chewing through the gristle, 

   ripping apart my tendons,

tearing my meat from bone;

   a pack of hungry hyenas 

   gorging as they splay me open

   with me foolishly 

trying to scoop back in 

   everything crimson 

that is spilling out

from within;

My screams muffled down 

by their primal,

gutteral growls of feasting

silently kept 

behind my closed lips;

I'm left as a walking cadaver 

   in moments 

   they have had their fill

with large chunks 

   of body 

missing,

stiffly lumbering along 

trying to get inside 

before their next meal 

begins;

before 

I get pulled and yanked 

from one side to the other 

by my flesh

in their ravenous jaws,

It all, sadly 

keeps growing back however 

just for it all 

to never satiate 

their rapacious hunger.

-Armando Torres

Things i think i lost (version 2)

"Things i think i lost"

I think I must have lost 

my honesty 

somewhere on the wind

after I told you how I felt;

   I know I dropped 

   my courage 

   somewhere beside the road

   when I said 

   I could be that person for you;

I thought I had gained 

more than I was giving up

but ended up leaving behind

so many things 

not knowing I was changing;

   realizing now

   I never should have given away 

so easily

   all those things 

I wish I could have back;

You were my deconstruction.

   Pieces of myself started 

   to shake loose and fall off like 

   some kind of

   old machine still churning 

   and shaking

   for a purpose no longer important;

Trying to find myself again

I left behind 

my confidence 

below the white pine 

on the bench 

I used to visit

when sadness had me suffocating;

I lost my intellect 

at some bar 

in some glass 

I was drinking from, 

   my imagination vanished 

   when I set it down 

   on the corner of fifth, 

it must have been stolen 

or taken 

by mistake 

or I may have given it away; 

My optimism was pulled from me 

by the dreary cold of winter, 

gracefully touching its chill 

on my neck 

as I spent 

all those dark hours 

alone in bed;

Though

they continue to fall away 

like an old structure

missing its foundation

barely staying upright 

as time rots it 

away

around the edges and from within;

I stand upright 

still not broken 

missing pieces

though maybe only a little bent

but still not broken.

-Armando Torres

Things i think i lost

"Things i think i lost"

I think I must have lost 

my honesty 

somewhere on the wind

after I told you how I felt;

   I do know I dropped 

   my courage 

   somewhere beside the road

   when I said 

   I could be that person for you;

I thought I had gained 

more than I was giving up

but I ended up leaving behind

so many things 

not knowing I was changing 

and never should have given up 

all those things 

I wish I could have back;

You were my deconstruction;

pieces of myself started to fall off like 

some kind of

old machine still churning 

and shaking

for a purpose no longer important;

My sincerity was snatched away 

in the heat of the summer

by your devilish whisperings 

telling me I was wrong;

swiftly gliding in and grabbing it away 

with your pointy fingers

and explaining to me my own feelings;

I know my optimism was stolen 

by the dreary cold of winter, 

blowing its chill on my neck 

as I spent 

all those dark hours alone in bed;

It was my fault though

my kindness was left forgotten 

in some corner 

of some random room 

long ago, 

I know you didn't care

but I did try anyway;

I was lonely, 

and I thought you were where

my life was supposed to be;

instead,

ended up 

leaving more things 

I now continue to try 

to live without;

You were the end 

of so many things about me

that I still lament;

if I could go back 

and retrace my steps

and reclaim the things I lost

I would 

without hesistation;

Though you were my deconstruction

I have found 

it did not stop

once you took enough pieces;

they continue to fall away 

like an old structure

missing its foundation;

Trying to find me again

I left behind my confidence 

below the white pine 

on the bench I used to visit, 

I lost my intellect at some bar 

in some glass 

I was drinking from, 

my imagination vanished 

when I set it down 

on the corner of 1st and walker, 

it must have been stolen 

or taken 

by mistake 

or I may have given it away; 

I can't seem to find my compassion 

or my memory anymore 

so I must have lost those 

at some point as well 

or maybe they are still packed away 

in one of my many boxes 

in the closet 

perhaps forgetting 

that I have some things 

still hidden 

because I don't really have a place 

to start unpacking all these things; 

I feel like a bare bones 

version of myself, 

barely having anything 

of worth left;

Just a fleshy package 

of meat and emotion

taking another breath.

-Armando Torres

Ouroboros

"Ouroboros"

A beam of light 

flying across the cosmos 

carrying its whole history 

at the very percipice of its radiance

from some place

so irrationally far away;

A history already 

   written, 

   unchanging, 

flying toward the iris 

of this world 

though, no longer holding 

any of the details 

it began its journey with 

   other than 

   its flickering glimmer 

just so that 

we may look up at it 

in the night sky 

and witness its whole history 

as a mere pale point of light, 

Dimming a little bit more

over the course of time 

journeying through epochs and eras 

as it finally touches 

upon our eyes 

and reflects back 

spreading out from us 

trying to reach 

another point in time to reflect;

Holding what's left 

of its history, 

   losing a little 

   with every touch and reflection

the details it once held 

   so vividly 

where it will eventually

blink out of existence, 

I too, will also 

gasp my last breath 

as life will leave my eyes 

and my perception will fade

all for it to reflect back 

toward its point of origin 

though, 

without all the memory or hindsight

of this life, 

without all the experience 

or details, 

without the pain and joys;

A cyclical journey finding its point 

once more

on the circular disc 

of time  

as all that was gained hazes out

amongst the foggy veil of existence;

An infinite loop 

on the same stretch

though this time 

   with different choices; 

   a different life; 

   a different everything; 

infallable, perfect, 

an elegant system 

created by the universe 

to perpetuate reality 

along all its infinite avenues. 

-Armando Torres

...If Only

"...If Only"
If only we had never met...
or maybe instead 
we would only catch 
a passing glance
     and never know it,
only then would we 
have never found
these kisses of ours.

Never to have these memories
   that otherwise 
   would have never happened;
Never to feel your touch,
   or smell the scent of your hair;
Never to hear your voice
   or experience those small moments
   in your embrace;
   I wouldn't know your fears,
   your passions,
your life, or your family.
Wouldn't have these memories
of you laughing.

If I had never met you,
only then would we never know.

But we do know 
how we feel to the touch,
I know the way 
your lips feel against mine,
   how time 
   seemed to slip away
   when I was with you.
I know the way you sound 
when we made love,
the way you looked 
with the early morning light
carressing your sleeping face,
I know how life felt 
as we traded the day hours 
for the night.

Only your words,
   your eyes,
only the way you looked at me,
only you
felt where I should have been,
only you
was what felt real and right;
   among the stream of countless
   experiences and memories 
   before us,
only your touch
is what made sense
to me.

We were a slice of time
folded over upon itself
like a mirror reflecting infinity.

I know what it feels like
to only
want to love you
until we got to the best parts
of life
with you.

If only we had never met,
then this pain wouldn't 
feel so real.
These memories wouldn't exist
and my life would have different 
things to relive.

If only 
we had known that our love 
was so fleeting 
then perhaps we wouldn't have 
taken the chance,
then I could look out 
from the window and see others 
walking hand in hand
never knowing 
what it would feel like 
to take that chance.

-Armando Torres

False Calm

"False Calm"
Nothing is as it seems, 
   a calm blue sea above 
hiding a turbulent ocean 
just beneath,
   swirling and flowing 
   with raging currents;
moving and stretching 
the all-consuming fears and anxieties
of living life;
hiding 
a kaleidoscopic dance 
of formless emotions
just beneath 
a delicate surface tension,

Slipping and moving 
into the gaps of recollection
down amongst the deepest darkness 
inbetween all manner 
of slumbering monsters and beasts
with each 
representing 
some kind of part of me;
   all hiding away 
   among the deepest leagues 
   in this sea,

Though, the surface 
an ocean as serene 
and calm 
as the black lakes 
of the tower guard cities 
of Midraneen,
an ancient history 
hidden behind 
the foggy veil of time,
   with so much trying 
   to crash through 
the stillness of memory,

Raging waves pushing 
   and swaying,
screaming to break through
but I hide it all 
with clever tricks, 
   discipline and training,
for I cannot let my emotions 
dictate 
what little control I have left,

However,
the rhythmic pull and swell 
of calm ocean waves 
turn into crashing, roaring surges 
as they reach 
the shores of my mind,
slamming against the endless cliffs 
of all my thoughts 
throughtout all of time,
   shaping and molding 
   the coastal stretches of memory 
into relics long since forgotten,
it becomes difficult to hold
it all together,
to keep things in perspective,
nothing is as it seems anymore,
nothing feels real,
   nothing is like 
   it was before.

-Armando Torres

eternal recurrence

"eternal recurrence"
Amongst the last falling autumn leaves
within the fading hues 
of amber and orange and ruby,
   the stillness of memory lingers 
   upon the silent sways 
   of a fall breeze,

Patiently waiting 
for the touch of thought 
as the cool air glides 
through the trees,

A thin barrier exists 
between the present 
and echoing memory,
   rippling 
   upon the touch of a 
   connecting mind
slowly sending out 
quick glimpses of past happiness 
and deep sorrow,
   images of passing moments 
   of when things were different,
when choices still felt full 
of promise,

Now among the dying remnants 
of autumn 
that is soon to change 
to the palettes 
of grays and whites of winter, 
the weight of life's many moments 
wraps around us 
like a thick wool blanket 
helping us hold in 
the delicate warmth we have,

   For the winter cold holds 
   no quarter 
for our sentiment 
   and at any given moment 
   will remind us 
   of the present 
and yet still 
   even with all our mistakes 
   and many regrets,
we hold steady 
in the warmth of our memories, 

Even if they do bring pain, 
and sorrow, and melancholy,
Even if the world feels like 
it has frozen your whole life 
inside an unbearable moment,
   we hold steady,
waiting for the winds of spring 
to return 
imagining the first flowers 
beginning to bloom,
we pull in the next breath and
we hold steady.

-Armando Torres