Wednesday, October 16, 2024

These Eyes






"These Eyes"
I've been told 
the brown of my eyes 
are like charming
pools of amber honey 
shimmering in the sunlight,

That they have 
   a glossed sheen to them
reflecting shimmering 
golden points 
of light,

But no one sees 
the glimmering beauty 
in my eyes
for the pain 
it really is,

I've been told 
there is a kindness there;

And perhaps there is
   but one quick look 
   behind the almond veil
and one will see 
despair 
as deep as my soul goes,

The thin shine of kindness 
at the corners of my eyes
are to fool the world 
that I am okay
   but in reality its like
I'm standing in the middle 
of a crowded room
screaming with my mouth closed
hoping no one will see through
the glazed over façade 
and presume 
they understand
the misery I am going through;

But I've been told
the auburn in my eyes
have a kind of warmth to them,
   so I know I have fooled
   the world once again.
-Armando Torres

Cessation of rest






"Cessation of rest"
There's a midnight sting in my eyes
that lingers there 
for the whole day,
   paranoid of what my face
   might say 
   about it
   to those who are looking,
I instead
bare my teeth
as friendly as can be
and hope no one asks 
what I did last night,

Because in truth 
it was just another slog 
through insomnia and anxiety,
   another 3 or 5 am sleep time
   through all the canyons and valleys
   of a never resting mind,

Hoping 
for just some sort of simple respite
from all the heaviness 
that exists in my life,
   but usually 
   what happens
   is just another long night 
   like all the ones before
plucked
   from what feels like 
   an infinite supply,
like a long line 
of reflections of mirrors
that never end,
   just to trudge through them
   and do it all over again.
-Armando Torres

Thursday, September 12, 2024

Cracks





"Cracks"
It's such an impossible chance,
       so infintesimally small 
that it should be unimaginable,
              even paradoxical,

Even the seemingly 
         infinitely 
long history 
of unique events to occur 
for each one of us to be born 
is at a better probability,

There is not a single person here now 
in the present 
that isn't from 
a long series of actions 
connected throughout history,

Every moment always connected 
to some moment before it
and even before that, 
         and even before that,

We are all here 
by some incredible chance 
but this...
...This should have been 
   an impossibility,

It took a single moment 
for my reality to disappear 
and all it took 
was a blink of an eye,

Perception holds our ethereal existence 
in place, 
flowing and weaving 
throughout 
the fabric of reality,

But all it took 
for it to vanish 
was for every perception 
to blink at the same time 
for it to create a moment 
no one witnessed,
   and it all 
   vanished,

Only here now 
as an implied existence,
...maybe...

feeling nothing, 
seeing nothing,
weaving and flowing with nothing,
just floating in the void,
   caught in the seams 
of reality,
   alone.
-Armando Torres

Sunday, September 8, 2024

Dreams





"Dreams"
I don't want to wake up,
in here 
I can see the tree's leaves 
swaying so perfectly,
in here 
the sky is filled 
with brightly lit 
specks of light,

I can almost feel 
the breeze 
and smell the scent of grass,

my pain is invalidated 
and my happiness feels real here 
and we have a home here 
and a backyard with kids,
   things we said we wanted,

Here I can still see 
your smile, 
you didn't leave,
in here 
you're still in love with me,

But sometimes the sky turns 
red and purple
and the walls begin to bleed,

the grass turns into fingers 
and the trees become arms 
that reach out and pull on me,

screams echo in the sky 
and still 
you stand there smiling 
before your face melts away
and say
I love you 
as you become just teeth 
among a mess of flesh,

and I still don't want to wake up 
even as you begin to become 
a blend of color 
and tissue 
and meat,

even as your screams 
are all I can hear,

even as the ground 
pulls away 
from my feet 
and the void swallow me,

I still don't want to wake up.
-Armando Torres

Monday, May 27, 2024

all my mistakes





"all my mistakes"
Is it self destructive 
to think that maybe 
I deserve this,

When looking back on all 
the people I have lost,
people that were important to me,

would it be so hard to admit
that I do this 
with reasons 
I don't quite understand,

Insecurities that stem from 
growing up and being discarded 
when I wasn't needed,

From hurt that happened 
by being vulnerable,
letting people close 
only for them to push me away,

Years of that growing up 
and now 
I only allow myself 
a certain amount of vulnerability 
before I, myself
start pulling away
from everything,

My mind tells me to do this 
before they can hurt me, 

It's a self fulfilling prophecy 
that I've told before
and I've lost relationships 
because of it,
lost people dear to me,

There's no fixing 
what has already happened,
no looking back without regret,

I will end up alone 
because I cannot fix this part of me,
my soul was trying to protect me 
from all the hurt
but I just ended up 
with the sharpest pain in the end.
-Armando Torres

Tuesday, April 30, 2024

The White Pine





"The White Pine"
Long before I was ever here 
there that tree stood,
a giant white pine 
towering over the neighborhood,
witnessing memories into existence,
families growing, people passing, 
friends leaving, 
lovers sneaking kisses 
underneath its looming shadow,

and long before then 
it was watching as the other pines were 
being cut 
at their trunks 
and uprooted by the stumps 
they left behind 
leaving no trace of what was 
there 
before,

earth moved and pushed 
and covered over 
with concrete, 
roads and homes appeared 
in those spaces, 

witnessing even before then 
the young fawns grazing for berries,
baby bluebirds squawking 
for their mother's food, 
dense wooded areas 
of cedars and sequoias, 
   watching 
   as a different kind of life 
   moved through,

standing tall and strong 
with all the other trees
believing 
this would be the state of things, 

now as I stand here looking 
up at this tree, 
this beautiful white pine, 
I see only sidewalks and concrete, 
yellow grass and side streets,
square homes and garbage cans,
there are no other trees here anymore,
no others like this giant white pine, 
its all alone 
still standing strong 
even after everything 
it has seen.
-Armando Torres

Monday, April 29, 2024

The Chair



"The Chair"
I feel weary 
like that old chair I pass 
that sits by a tree 
collecting its own moss,

it has been ages 
since anyone has sat in it,
   it has become a part 
   of the tired brown scenery 
as everyone ignores it 
as they all 
walk past,

time has begun to grow up its legs 
as its color slowly fades 
to muted grays and light hues 
of yellow,

a relic from bygone moments 
where its purpose was still relevant,

in its abandonment it has acquired 
its own earthy scent,
   a smell of rust and 
   dirt and grass,
its vinyl fabric has attained 
an aged hue of brown and yellow 
   as the birds and insects 
   find their own 
   personal moments upon it, 

spiders adorn its legs 
with magnificently designed homes 
of their own,
   spending their entire lives 
   here 
   catching flies 
underneath this chair 
before being plucked away 
   by a bluebird's beak 
for their babies,

nature moves and grows around this chair 
as I watch it every morning 
walking past,

one day however, it was gone, 
not in its place any longer, 
I saw it get picked up 
and thrown in the trash,

just as well though,
   it couldn't be there forever,
it left behind a plot of grass 
and weeds 
that grew to its shape 
on the ground,

it is no longer there when I walk past,
just an irrelevant memory now,
no one even notices it has disappeared,
it had become such a part 
of the weary scenery 
that now that its gone 
I see the weeds growing 
through the cracks in the concrete,
the trees for the leaves 
they do not have,
this corner of nature 
for the garbage it has,

I see now only 
where this chair once was.
-Armando Torres

Thursday, April 25, 2024

Mimic




"Mimic"
I hear breathing underneath my breath,
some other thing living alongside me,
I can feel its presence 
right behind my head,
some fiendish thing 
averted from my sight,
   existing where I cannot see it,

In my moments of loneliness 
I know I am not alone
for it mimics my every movement 
perfectly,
learning my every emotion exactly,
and casts no reflection 
upon the mirrors for me to see,

Always hidden 
right behind me 
in perfect synchronicity,

Among the darkness 
behind my closed eyes 
   however,
I sometimes can hear its 
breath fall out of sync 
with mine
and I open my eyes 
thwarting its attempt 
to latch upon my existence
as it tries 
to devour what I am,
   it then 
   retreats 
   with soft breathing 
slowly returning 
to its perfect mimicry.

Wednesday, September 27, 2023

Emulsion





"Emulsion" They said I should grieve but instead I swallowed it like a lump of coal; painfully pushing it through scratching everything on the way down leaving traces of itself on every part of my soul.
-Armando Torres

Would You?




"Would You?" If you lost me how would you feel? Would you have a hole that you would quickly fill? Or would you remember me and any of the things we were and get glimpses of them when you passed places we had been? Would you see the foggy images of past memories in your dreams? Would you randomly feel the loss while in the shower and close your eyes to reminisce in the moment at the happiness we once had? Would you look at a blue sky from between the trees like we used to and listen to the leaves sway... ...allowing the hurt to touch briefly just so you could cry a few more tears and move on with your day? If you lost me would there be anything left of the happiness or would it all just be hurt? Would it be just misery disguised as lessons learned? Would I be anything of worth?

-Armando Torres

Wednesday, June 14, 2023

With or Without





"With or Without" When was the last time I even looked up at the sky, took a moment for myself and really existed away from memory to enjoy what I actually see, to really be present away from all the pain and all the hurt, without all the burdens, I can't even remember what that felt like, to look at the trees and have my mind blend into the vibrant hues of browns and greens, to see the baby blue sky right behind the swaying leaves, to feel life move around me as I breathe in the crisp fresh air, I can't even say when the last time the world existed for me in that kind of capacity, it's all tones of gray and muted colors, dull pain and counting dollars, going to work and grinding through the stress of another day that doesn't look anything like I remember, And Perhaps, in the end, I am the memory, and world is there, just like it always has been, with or without me.
-Armando Torres

Retrospection





"Retrospection" If there was a time where I didn't feel broken I don't remember it, Don't know when that could have been because as far back as my mind can stretch isn't that far past the present, I sense that these cracks in my mind have become the wrinkles of my soul, Not something to fix but more a part of my identity, My burdens have become more a part of me than any sense of accomplishment, more reflected than any smile I can stretch across my teeth, I don't know what life is like to be happy, the closest I get is when I forget about all the hurt and all my burdens and I can breathe finally and I can experience mere moments of peace before it all starts flooding back in, if there was a time where it wasn't like this, I don't remember it.
-Armando Torres

Tuesday, January 24, 2023

Dual Points




"Dual Points"
Below a moonlit sky 
my eyes slowly close 
as I inhale as much cool air 
as my lungs can hold,

Keeping it for a moment 
until my heart beats 
through my chest 
and my blood surges 
through my essence,

I find I can only see you 
in the black 
behind my eyelids,

I can only feel you 
and your soul 
inside my beating heart,

The world falls away 
and a surging sense of purpose 
fills my soul,

Let me carry you 
when all is too heavy,
Let me show you 
the persistence of hope 
when everything feels too bleak,

I know how to look 
into your eyes 
and see your soul,

I can exist with you 
when 
the tinge of pain 
on silent lonely nights 
glides in
and the world has left you 
with all 
the echoes of thought,

I can hold you 
and brush away the silence 
and say I love you,
I need you,
I can find you 
among the existential starways 
of billions of glimmering points of light,
   within 
the spectrum of infinite colors 
of the cosmos,

I can find your shimmering existence 
as your soul pulls mine,

I can feel you now 
below a moonlit sky 
as the air of the night 
finally releases from my being
and my eyes open
showing you
my glimmering points of light
as they shine back my soul
to yours.
-Armando Torres

Monday, January 23, 2023

A Brief Glimpse





"A Brief Glimpse"
The long hours of the night
drape over me 
like a large wool blanket 
laying heavy 
on my shoulders
pulling my frame 
toward the floor
hunching over
as my head aches downward,

An unspoken melancholy 
hangs within my eyes,

Some say 
I can see the future
and others believe me to be cursed,
   warning to never venture 
      near me
or else one can find 
      their life 
being forever tainted
with 
ill content and suffering,

I cannot see the future 
for the gleam in my eyes
are of past sorrows 
   and can only see 
   the mistakes that have 
passed 
   from this moment to the next
riding on the grains 
of sand in the hour glass,

For I cannot even see the grains 
before the decision 
and yet 
some say 
I carry their fate
within the wools of my shroud 
that forever lays heavy 
over my shoulders;
      but no fate exists 
that hasn't already been made,

I can only look upon those 
that have passed 
and only show what was,

I hold no power or intention, 

I am and therefore you are,

Yet Perhaps there is no future 
and peering into the past is the only future we have,
   confusing deeds done 
   for deeds that will be,

Then perhaps, 
it may be that 
   I can indeed 
   see the future
      and those tales told 
   do hold some truth
to them.
-Armando Torres

Saturday, January 21, 2023

Take A Breath





"Take A Breath" A very potent mix of emotion and dread mixes with my blood dilating my eyes as the air in my lungs slips out from between my lips like silky lines of mist. The skin over my eyelets slowly slide closed as I catch my next gasp of breath filling my entire chest where it holds for what feels like eternity pretending like it's the edge of death allowing me to sink away in the absence of the motion of it. Falling deeper and deeper still into a darkness of calm as galaxies and nebulas pass me by, swirling vortexes of reality and light dissipate into black and finally the air in my chest releases and my eyelids pull back as my newly formed eyes begin to again glimpse the world with calm again.
-Armando Torres

Faintest Anxiety





"Faintest Anxiety" There is a thought inside a memory somewhere for me, however, it is unreachable now as it has passed this moment. A notion I can still feel but can't remember, It grips my heart like a white knuckled fist but it only exists on the fringes of my emotions. Clinging to relevance hoping I remember but not realizing it's too late. I don't know where it is or where it came. It's gone. It needs to know there is no hope. I have to move on but can't. It grips my heart like a fist over an edge clinging to life not realizing it will pull me over instead.
-Armando Torres

Back Into The Ether





"Back Into The Ether" I wish I could exist outside the moment, away from the violent colors of reality and inside the gray hazy mist of memory, To be able to peer in at any point and dissipate back into the ether once all things have become too much again, A being existing in its cocoon recharging and waiting to return at the right moment, to leave its fingerprints on the flow of events and leave as if never even here.
-Armando Torres

Monday, November 28, 2022

Fleeting Winter Flakes





"Fleeting Winter Flakes"
The soft crunch of snow 
   beneath my feet
   feels like it did then
   only for me to remind myself
that time has gone by,
   fleeting winter flakes
fall from the sky
and I have begun
to blur the lines
of what you were
   to me,
somewhere amidst 
all this descending white
on the buildings
over the sidewalks 
    and covering 
    the tops of trees,
our past still exists for me,
a ghostly motion of us
moving
among these snowflakes
existing 
right before my eyes
for mere moments 
before disappearing
amongst 
a million other flakes of snow
remembering once more
that we were 
a lifetime ago.
-Armando Torres

Monday, November 7, 2022

All Over Again





"All Over Again"
Knock on the Devil's door 
long    enough 
and something      will      answer.

You will need    more 
than what you brought 
to exist              beyond 
that moment of confrontation.

Time will s t r e t c h infinetly backward 
and extend in w a y s 
where only the moment 
you experience in memory
as the present 
could be used to break you.

Every   memory 
will      exist 
at    the    same    time 
with every painful one 
being at the forefront.

The    suffering 
would    only    be 
the    first    thing 
you    would    know.

    The very essence of despair 
would come through 
   your own stream of time 
among the existential 
and the conscious.

You wouldn't realize 
at    first 
but   would   come 
to     know 
that this process 
is    only     nature. 

A    process As    natural 
as the birds eating  seeds 
or maggots         Feasting 
upon rotting flesh.

A system of balance 
where life 
is only a piece 
of a much larger machine.

There's nothing humane 
in the way 
it would happen;
   humanity is but only 
   a futile construct of defiance 
   to the natural order of things.

A necessary piece to the machine, 
   an illusion of struggle 
   to make 
   a more powerful connection
and nevertheless,
to never change the outcome,
to never change 
    what you will become.

The existential flesh 
of your mind 
would very precisely 
be flayed and stripped away,
leaving behind 
something different.

Leaving eyes 
coated over 
   with black 
   and no pupils,
leaving a dark sheen 
of infintie existence 
glinting with its own 
swilring galaxies 
and cosmic pillars 
of stardust and creation.

A being of purity 
that has at long last 
inside infintiy 
found its purpose,
   existing now in its final form
   to finally hear 
   the next knock on the door,
to finally reach with purpose 
and answer 
and begin this process once more.
-Armando Torres

Sunday, November 6, 2022

Singularity





"Singularity"
Pull back far enough 
from this moment
and you lose all beauty 
into a single point.

   The details disappear into memory.
      All the hurt and the pain and the joy.
Every    thing shrinks 
into a single speck
that disappears 
against the backdrop 
of black         ether.

So many pale points 
of pure thought
gone and lost
among so many more.

Close your eyes 
and stretch infinetly outward
away from this moment 
and everything is lost 
to a single dot
indistinguishable to any kind of detail.

Life,    consciousness,Existence, 
all move past 
a horizon of no           return
and continue 
toward a      singularity 
that you   can     never 
move closer toward.

As you continue 
to pull back 
so far    into 
the Infiniteness of Irrelevance
immaterial becomes the observer 
and you lose 
  the   sight     that  once   saw
all those beautiful moments and details 
    to   the    infinite     black,
never to find 
your 
pale point of pure thought again,
never to venture 
toward the horizon 
to find your singularity.
As   you      just 
dissapate into nothingness 
and dissolve into the liquid
and waves of pure inconsequentiality.
-Armando Torres